anyone had this problem with aupair??

[janebracelet]

new aupair due to arrive very shortly and want to avoid previous problems.I work shifts -combination of earlies afternoons and nights.DH works for same organisation but has no set shift pattern like I do-it varies wildly from day to day.In the past I have told aupairs that they work to my shift pattern and take no account of dh,as his hours v v v v unpredictable.What would happen is DH would come home unexpectedly whilst I was at work and ap would promptly clock off.DH very lovely but also very useless and I would come home at 2am to find dc asleep on sofa in full school uniform having had takeaway for tea (wrappers still on floor) to be woken at 7am in morning to wailing dd saying she didnt do her homework last night and ap couldnt help her would I get out of bed to help.Now I know I should tackle DH's extreme uselessness but to be fair he works v long hours and v difficult and stressful job-I have over the years accepted this 'facet' of an otherwise great relationship.This is why I employ an ap.Have told DH that with new ap he must take a step back and make sure ap carries on with given tasks,which he obvioulsy doesnt do himself.However down side to this is DC always very glad to see dad -want to,understandably,spend time with dad and not ap.Ideally would let tired dad do the fun stuff -take to swimming lesson for example,whislt ap does tedious jobs that dh cant/wont do,eg cook a decent tea.I know this seems like an no brainer-just tell the ap what is to happen, however experience tells me the subtleties of this arrangement would escape an ap.I realise probably no answer but perserverance with new rules, but wondered if anyone had had similar problem?

janebracelet Iused to work different things every day. The only answer is communication loud and clear. All 3 of you sit down and get it in writing so AP clearly understands what is expected, in the nicest possible way. I am sure she would want to avoid looking lazy and husband sounds like he needs a bit of clarity with whats expected. The of you have to be a smoothly functioning team, if you crack it you will all be happy. x

TBH I think the problem lies with your husband not instructing the AP properly. He should tell her that she must continue with her plans for their tea but that he will take them to the swimming lesson.

How many children?
What ages?
Sounds like the au pair is ? supposed to be doing a lot of hours?
Is she froma another country? Maybe she can't easily help with the homework?

I feel a bit sorry for the aupair tbh. She is presumably young and not very experienced and I know (because we are going through it at the moment!) how difficult it is for childminder and parent to be home at the same time, if it is not the usual situation. DH is currently on garden leave and I know that our nanny (31, not an aupair and with lots of experience) is finding it difficult to maintain authority when DH, whom she usually doesn't see at all, is suddenly there, deciding to take the boys swimming or cycling, getting involved in homework on some days but not on others, eating with them one day but deciding to wait until later the next, etc. He's driving me mad and I can't wait for him to go back to work so I can only imagine how she's feeling! We have partially solved it by telling the boys that regardless of whether DH is home or not, nanny is in charge and they MUST continue to do homework, dinner, play, computer etc in the same way as always. Had a similar conversation with DH in which we agreed that he would let nanny know in advance if he would be home after school and that if was there he would check with her before getting involved in homework, guitar or whatever. I think you have to decide who is in overall charge (DH or aupair) and that person gets to decide who is doing what. If you think DH is going to be too tired or only want to do the fun stuff, might be best to lay it out clearly for both for them that AP stays on duty and carries on with all the usual stuff and that any additional activities can only happen if all the usual stuff has been done. What age are your kids? Old enough for you to have a similar, but simplified discussion with them?

jane, it sounds as though you had a poor au pair last time!

My current au pair would do the same - but other au pairs that Ive had in the past, were much more conscientious, and would not have just given up looking after the children at the slightest opportunity.

Its nothing to do with age, all I can say is that my best au pairs have all been very intelligent, not surprisingly they were at or considering university.

agree with clarissa, though, the AP probably just needed telling what to do.

Thanks for advice everyone realise that I need to make it clear what is to happen to both ap and dh. I know its difficult for ap's to know what is acceptable and have told dh that he must not confuse the issue by not sticking to the routine.Our ap's never have to work more than 25hrs/week -when we calculated the hours we would need someone it was worked out on the basis of my hours alone. So DH being at home was a bonus and not needed to keep the AP within her hours.I get the feeling DH has not wanted to insist the AP carry on working as he was worried about scaring them.When we got our first AP I warned him about the fact he can come across as a bit intimidating,as he is very used to being authoritarian at work,so he went too much the other way and AP's have both taken the p**s.Last AP use to hear the car on the drive-by the time DH had got out of car and to the front door AP was standing in hall coat on ready to leave! By the way DC are 9 and 10 and no AP we have had has been able to help with homework-very nice teenager from next door has helped in return for a treat when it has been an emergency,ie homework due in tomorrow and DH and I both at work.

by the way cocopopshater def agree with the univeristy thing -had one who was going after being AP and one who had no academic plans and first was defintiely the better so we have made that a priority this time around.I think/hope that having AP is like having children - you start to get it right on the third one.But I'm not having another child to test the theory!