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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Well behaved mindees start playing up when mother arrives...

22 replies

justincasesheisamumsnetter · 04/10/2006 09:17

I have changed my name in case the children's mother is a mumsnetter. If she reads this, she will probably recognise herself and kids, but as I know a few MNers in real life, I have changed so that her anonimity isn't compromised. I hope you understand.
Ok, I mind brother and sister age 4 and 8. We have been doing a sticker system and every day up until now, they really have deserved a sticker for good behaviour. I put the sticker in their books just when their mother is due to arrive with the promise that it will be removed if the behaviour doesn't stay good until they are in the car with their mother. When she arrives, they desperately compete for her attention and getting into the car takes a while, but I wouldn't say that the behaviour was bad. Last night, they just were not co-operating at all (screaming, fighting and the like), so as promised, I removed the stickers from their books which caused even more of an uproar and a tantrum.
This is what I need advice on. They are still in my house, but their mother is there, so who is in charge? I really feel that I had to remove the stickers because I had promised that I would if they didn't behave. They need to know that I mean it, because I know that empty threats start to mean nothing after a while. I felt really bad as their mother drove off with tantruming kids in tow. Was I wrong?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

trinityrhino · 04/10/2006 09:25

I don't think it was wrong, not sure what would improve their behaviour thouhg at that time. Maybe stick with it for a while and see if it actually immproves the behaviour casue they don't want to lose the sticker

Bozza · 04/10/2006 09:30

I think it is tricky. DS tends to play up at that point. Not to the degree that you say but really dragging his heels at putting on his shoes, coat etc and if I am late that day (I pay until 6 but need to collect DD from nursery before 6 so aim to arrive to collect DS at 5.30 - nursery 1 minute drive away) I need him to get a move on. I do wonder if removing the sticker is not that great an idea though. Could you perhaps have seperate small stickers that they get to stick on their coats if they co-operate at home time?

emmatom · 04/10/2006 09:31

No, stick by your guns. It's similar when kids friends come round to play. They can be little darlings for a couple of hours, then mum arrives to collect them and they start charging around like mad things!!

I've got round this by always taking the child in question home. You can't do this however, but it is your house, you set the rules and good for you for sticking by them.

HumphreyPETERCUSHINGCushion · 04/10/2006 09:32

I don't agree with removing stickers.

Could you not give them their final one (or not, if they have misbehaved), once they are safely strapped into the car?

That way you and their mother are providing a united front, and it would be a clear indication that 'your work here is done' () and Mum is now in charge.

Original poster

justincasesheisamumsnetter · 04/10/2006 09:58

Thanks for your replies. I think seperate stickers are a better idea. Now that I have had time to think about it, I see that removing stickers is quite negative. I have only been minding for two weeks and feel like I have soooo much to learn.

OP posts:

amphion · 04/10/2006 13:52

Hi, I have some picking up time tips. It helps if you think about what's going on from the child's point of view: e.g. the ring at the doorbell can cause a sudden rush of adrenalin - try getting the parent to text you just before they arrive so you can warn the child. Be clear about when you hand over resposibility to the parent - I do it as soon as they arrive and they get coats/shoes on and deal with any behaviour, unless it is dangerous or causing damage in which case I would have to step in. In your policy information make it clear that you expect the children to be kind to each other and treat the house and toys with respect. Ask the parent to support you in this. Look at your day with the children and make sure they are involved with everything and allowed to make decisions. Work on developing your relationship with the child and improving their self-esteem. Welcome the parent at the end of the day - allowing 10 mins. for the child to show mum or dad things / finish playing can help. Sorry, no easy solutions, but finally, if the parents aren't supportive, you have to think about whether you want to carry on - it is your right not to accept really bad behaviour in your home.

dmo · 04/10/2006 14:14

what about given them the sticker in the morning for the day before
so if they were good at yours and good getting in the car for mum they would get the sticker the morning after

Original poster

justincasesheisamumsnetter · 04/10/2006 14:34

I thought about that dmo but I really want each day to be the end of it. If you see what I mean. I wouldn't want the upset of not getting a sticker yesterday carrying on to the next day. Sorry, I don't know if I explained that very well.
amphion - that's a great idea with the texting, especially as the mother's timekeeping is a bit erratic. the last thing I want is for them to be sitting for ages with their coats and shoes on waiting for her. They certainly are involved in everything. They tell me in the morning what they would like for lunch and tea (within reason!!), and most activities are presented as a choice. They do show their mum their paintings/drawings/whatever when she arrives, but it's the actual leaving bit (coupled with exhaustion after a long day) that seems to make them kick off. We end the day being calm and listening to a story or some relaxing music.
Well, here's hoping it was a one off yesterday, perhaps they were pushing the boundaries to see how I would react.

OP posts:

dmo · 04/10/2006 14:43

you did explain and i know what you mean
it just a ball when they play up after the sticker is given

amphion · 04/10/2006 14:47

They were meant as general tips; I think nearly all childminders have trouble with the picking-up at times. You sound like you're doing a great job - good luck with tomorrow!

smeeinit · 04/10/2006 16:11

i think all us cms have trouble at picking up time,it can be really infuriating particually if like me the parents of one mindee are utterly useless at noticing their little darling tearing my house to shreds and frightening the sh*t out of the cat!
i used to hand the mindee over to the parents charge as soon as they arrived to collect but i got so fed up with the behaviour and lack of support from parents that i now take charge when parents are doing f**k all about it! at the end of the day its my house!
on some occasions i get him/her to get their coat and shoes on ready for mum/dad to arrive so they dont need to hang about!
i may even try plonking him/her on the doorstep ready for collection!!

ThePrisoner · 04/10/2006 19:01

It is one the The Childminding Rules that all children misbehave appallingly when parents arrive (in my case, it doesn't have to be their own parents ... any of them will do!!!)

Like smeeinit, I used to expect parents to discipline the children but I think that they are often nervous themselves of doing it. I am more than happy to continue to rule the roost if necessary (but I am jolly nice about it!)

Original poster

justincasesheisamumsnetter · 04/10/2006 19:25

Well, it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who has had pick up time problems. I thought that I was doing something wrong!

OP posts:

amphion · 04/10/2006 20:00

I used to have one that as soon as the doorbell went would rush up to my own children and start kicking them! It's hard to understand why parents have so little control over them sometimes, but my first child was with a childminder and picking up was difficult - after a long day at work and travelling I used to really look forward to seeing her but more than once had to drag her away having a tantrum (her that is!). Because I worked I wanted the childminder to see I was a loving mother and didn't want to have to walk in and start laying down the line. However I could see that trying to be nice wasn't actually making my child happy so I began being firmer. To all you parents out there - don't worry about being firm, we'll respect you for it!

TwigTwoolett · 04/10/2006 20:02

the mother is

ThePrisoner · 04/10/2006 22:05

is ...

smeeinit · 04/10/2006 22:18

the mother is what?!

dmo · 04/10/2006 22:19

thats what im thinking wtf are you talking about?

nzshar · 04/10/2006 22:29

I think twig meant the mother is a mumsnetter .....maybe???

TwigTwoolett · 05/10/2006 07:58

PMSL

the original post poses the question "They are still in my houes, but their mother is there, so who is in charge?"

to which I answered "The mother is"

Bozza · 05/10/2006 09:02

I think from a mother's point of view sometimes it is difficult. I have been out at work all day, battled through the traffic, still have another child to pick up and have fewer sanctions in the CM's house. When DS (5) was going through a bad stage I told him that if he didn't behave at pick up time he would have to stay in the car while I collected DD and I did follow it through a few times.

venusinfurs · 05/10/2006 09:19

Justincase, I'm not a CM but used one until very recently and my DS always switched into monster boy when he saw me. She was always quite upset and I think she thought I didn't believe how angelic he had been! But I did believe her. For what it's worth, if she spoke to him in my presence about it, I didn't mind at all and it seemed to help! For a mum, it's very draining to arrive all full of smiles and then be immediately cold-shouldered or whatever, so actually, the CM still helping was very welcome.

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