i think my au pair smacked my son

[T0R1]

Hi there, I'm having a bit of a rough time. My husband has had to go away with work for 6 months and now my situation is that I have college 2 and a half days a week, two dogs who need walking 3 times a day and our son, who is a super star and lots of fun to hang out with. Our au pair arrived before my husband suddenly had to go. He's been gone two weeks. I find our au pair demanding/bossy and has no patience with ds.

She probably does 20 - 25 hours a week at the most and practically clocks in and clocks out which is not my previous au pair experiences at all. I would take them out and pay for trips and coffees etc and not directly in exchange but if you know what I mean they would be flexible and watch ds other times (if I went for a run or popped out to the shop) without expecting anything more.

This au pair asked for more money when she had to watch ds when I was poorly the other week which really felt like a kick in the teeth to me. I said no. Anyway, I never say anything about the things I'm not happy with. At the end of the day I leave her alone with my son so I don't want to p*ss her off.

The other day I told her we couldn't afford to keep her anymore and that it was because I couldn't afford to put her on the car insurance which we needed for her to take ds to pre school from January. She talked me out of it but I can't tell if its' because life is easy for her here or if its' because she really likes us?!?!

Yesterday and today ds has pretended to smack himself whilst getting on the potty. I know she hates potty training as she's made it very clear to me. He is 3 in November and starts pre school in January. We're not rushing things, it's a fairly relaxed go at potty training. As I said, I'm fairly laid back about things. DS already poops in the toilet and she told him he wasn't to poop in the potty which I don't agree with and told her. Whatever helps to get him to wee into a potty/toilet instead of a nappy is progress. However, I think she has smacked him on the leg to make him stay on the potty.

I think i've really had enough. Even if she didn't. Thing is her flight is booked home on 28th February. I don't want to rock the boat, she is nice, I hate confrontation. I really don't know what to do. So sorry this is so so so long!!!!

(PS my husband has gone to Sierra Leone so I realise this is very much 1st world problems!!)

I had a lovely 22 year old au pair who spoke good English and I felt entirely confident leaving her with my 2 and 4 year old for a few hours here and there, or for an evening. She was kind, sweet and very competent and my children adored her. Somebody else I know had a fully-qualified nanny who they ditched after their housekeeper saw the nanny smacking their three-year-old daughter. It seems that it's just about finding the right person at the right time.

I was an au pair and then a nanny for several years before I ended working at a childcare center (years and years ago before changing careers). I've met a lot of different au pairs, nannies, and families. There's lots of different types of au pair jobs out there, some are appropriate and some are not. From what OP tells us I don't think her expectations are unreasonable, 2 1/2 days work and some dog walking.

OP there's two separate issues here. First of all you need to establish did she smack your son or not. If she did it's a no-brainer, she needs to leave. The second issue is that there seems to be a lack of communication. If she's a US citizen (presuming she doesn't have dual citizenship) she's working illegally. I know that you have had au pairs in the past but moving forward you need to be really clear what the work involves and what your expectations are. I also think that if you have an au pair or nanny if you take them out with the family you pay for their expenses, and chalk it down to just another au pair related expense . It's not reasonable to expect someone to work extra because you took them out for lunch etc. I would suggest being clear about working hours and if you need an au pair to be flexible repay them with time off. Most au pairs are expected to babysit a couple of times a week and I would write that in your next contract. That way you can go shopping/for a run/out on a night the au pair's babysitting.

Next time make sure you do your research about car insurance- this is something you should have been aware of before even offering her the job.

If it was me at this point I would cut my losses and ask her to leave. Hope it works out for you.

Dear Tori, please don't get involved in defending yourself against other posters' opinions or, indeed, against your au pair. You hired her. It's not working for you, so you fire her. If the visa exception is true, you've a ready-made excuse but, come what may, you don't need an excuse. It's not working out for you. Simple.

As a decent human being, you would try to find her another place or facilitate her early return. You do not have to do this and you certainly don't have to leave your son in the care of a person whose disciplinary ideas are different from your own.

I also think there are different issue at play here.

1 - you do not like/trust her and suspect her of harming your child. Therefore, you cannot continue to leave him in her care, therefore she needs to go. Decency would suggest you give her fair notice and pay but you do not have to keep her.

2 - au pairs are not nannies. There is a real difference in what you can expect from them and what they can expect from you. 25 hours is a lot - do you pay nmw? Do you pay tax and insurance? Are you sponsoring her or paying for her study etc. there is absolutely no way I would employ a young, non qualified or Ofsted registered, non contracted au pair to take sole care of my toddler. I would think that you would be better off in many ways to use a nursery/cm/nanny an then you can use tax credits or vouchers etc as they will be Ofsted registered and you will be able to trust them.

I can't imagine how hard it is having the worry of DH being away and this, but maintains the status quo will nt help. Good luck.

Maybe you're not the only one having 'a rough time.'

I note that while your son is 'a superstar and lots of fun to hang out with' he comes after the husband, the college course and the dogs in the list.

While the au pair/employer relationship one can often be difficult you don't seem to have put a lot of advanced, detailed thought as an employer into how to get a set up a legal reasonable and mutually agreeable arrangement in place.

So while things can - and do - go wrong for all sorts of reasons at all sorts of stages, it's hardly surprising that your au pair is not happy.

Perhaps she, quite literally, has been given a shit job?

You say she is nice but she doesn't sound nice to me.

Smacking a charge is surely instant dismissal and it is her problem how she gets home.