i think my au pair smacked my son

[T0R1]

Hi there, I'm having a bit of a rough time. My husband has had to go away with work for 6 months and now my situation is that I have college 2 and a half days a week, two dogs who need walking 3 times a day and our son, who is a super star and lots of fun to hang out with. Our au pair arrived before my husband suddenly had to go. He's been gone two weeks. I find our au pair demanding/bossy and has no patience with ds.

She probably does 20 - 25 hours a week at the most and practically clocks in and clocks out which is not my previous au pair experiences at all. I would take them out and pay for trips and coffees etc and not directly in exchange but if you know what I mean they would be flexible and watch ds other times (if I went for a run or popped out to the shop) without expecting anything more.

This au pair asked for more money when she had to watch ds when I was poorly the other week which really felt like a kick in the teeth to me. I said no. Anyway, I never say anything about the things I'm not happy with. At the end of the day I leave her alone with my son so I don't want to p*ss her off.

The other day I told her we couldn't afford to keep her anymore and that it was because I couldn't afford to put her on the car insurance which we needed for her to take ds to pre school from January. She talked me out of it but I can't tell if its' because life is easy for her here or if its' because she really likes us?!?!

Yesterday and today ds has pretended to smack himself whilst getting on the potty. I know she hates potty training as she's made it very clear to me. He is 3 in November and starts pre school in January. We're not rushing things, it's a fairly relaxed go at potty training. As I said, I'm fairly laid back about things. DS already poops in the toilet and she told him he wasn't to poop in the potty which I don't agree with and told her. Whatever helps to get him to wee into a potty/toilet instead of a nappy is progress. However, I think she has smacked him on the leg to make him stay on the potty.

I think i've really had enough. Even if she didn't. Thing is her flight is booked home on 28th February. I don't want to rock the boat, she is nice, I hate confrontation. I really don't know what to do. So sorry this is so so so long!!!!

(PS my husband has gone to Sierra Leone so I realise this is very much 1st world problems!!)

Sorry, seems I added another dog to the herd.

Well we have au pairs and they are absolutely not suitable for potty training, which is clear from the problems you are having. I don't know who you checked with. I have a child a little older than yours and potty training is way outside the remit of an au pair.

How did you get a Visa for an American? Are you not in the UK.

You do just need to be more organised before you get someone else, check car insurance costs before you hire someone. You don't need a contract as such as they are not an employee. We have a comprehensive au pair bible.

We would always pay extra if our au pair worked extra hours too. Ours often works slightly less that 25 hours, but pay her an extra hourly rate if she does more if I'm sick or during school holidays.

First of all you should have a contract with hours and duties as a bare minimum - then everyone knows where they stand

The au pair should not smack your son but regardless of that she should not be left alone sole charge of your son as he is 2.

Au pairs generally do 5hrs a day before and after school
Care of 5+

you are expecting things of her that a trained nanny would do

Not surprised she is pissed off about the car. It happens a lot. Families need to work out costs before offering a car to under 25's

Why should she look after your son if you are Ill for free?

You need to let this person go

Maybe a cm would work out better for you

@Headofthehousehold Your advice is great, I appreciate it - however - "asking an untrained girl to do a trained job because you can't afford the proper help and then complaining about it", really?! This is my first child, I have never potty trained before, I have no idea what I am doing and I have been supplied with no 'training'. The au pair can either change his nappy or help to potty train him. He wets his pants and we encourage him to use the potty. If someone would like to give me training on how to do this better I would love it. All she needs is patience. That is not a cultural thing or something that requires training.

@lovelynannytobe it was a kick in the teeth because I took her to the ice hockey, it cost £16 and then I bought her a burger and coke. We took her to St Andrews, over an hour away, take her out for dinner, cafes, I bought her a ticket for her and a friend to go on a spooky Edinburgh tour. I got her a ticket to see a local band. I arranged a baby sitter so I could take her out! I took her to the cinema, got her lunch, took her for a drink after. Etc etc etc, I was ill, I didn't ask her to look after him, she looked after him, she asked for money after, I thought it was a kick in the teeth. She works roughly 20 hours a week and gets paid £75. If it was about cheap childcare then this is not cheap childcare, a childminder using childcare vouchers I'd get more hours for the same money. Or getting rid of her now she can't drive the car that's silly, I like having someone around from a different country, it's interesting and it's fun. Showing someone where we live and how we celebrate stuff and what traditions we have and how beautiful our country is. The car isn't a major issue. And finally smacking, I know my son and I think that's something you might not quiet understand. I'm not being mean and trying not to come across condescending, as it's an annoying when people say things like that. She's demanding and making my life harder, like i've got two kids, she's not even polite about it, just has huge expectations of me for little in return. I'm not being unreasonable whether she smacked him or not.

I AM NOT AN ARMY WIFE!!!!!!!!!! My finances are not stretched. They are just fine, but thanks for your concerns! DS will be going to nursery which I would have done had I not had such a lovely au pair experience in the past. I have 2 dogs. I would not have gone back to college 2 months ago had I known that my husband was going to Sierra Leone, that would be silly.

Some people are completely up their own bums on here. But it's easy to be keyboard warriors from the safety of your cosy living room. You'd never say things like this, in these tones, to peoples faces or you'd have no real life friends. I pity people like you. All I wanted was some advice as I'm having a tough time - it must be so lovely to be so perfect and get everything right all the time, every day. Well done. Congratulations. When you pop round to mine to give me that potty training training be sure to give me the life training course you had too!!!

I am just a bit horrified by your last answer. I could do a long answer, point by point, but let me just tell you straight. You are wrong. If everybody here tells you that you should not let an au pair 2 days and a half alone with a two years old being potty trained, it's because you should not let an au pair 2 days and a half alone with a two years old being potty trained.

If you can get more than 2,5 days a week for 75 pounds at a chilminder. Do it.

Also, I am not sure if you want an Au pair or a friend. Why taking her out so much, not firing her (when clearly, you think she smacks your son and the only way to keep her is to put in place a crazy system when you go back and forth to be her driver).

It's like you absolutelly need to be the nice one. Yes, you are very nice. But she is not good for your son and this is not a job for an au pair. Just tell her "Sorry, I don't need an Au pair anymore".

How long do you plan to keep her without needing/wanting her just because she might think you are not nice?

I've double checked and triple checked. Now I'll just copy and paste from bapaa.

*Light Housework: A list of suggested light housework tasks can be found below these guidelines.

Childcare: An au pair is not permitted to have continuous sole charge of children under the age of two.*

I could even ask her to walk the dogs

He is not under 2 and I think, generally, children learn to potty train after 2. It says nothing anywhere about not letting them empty out a potty. However, I think that due to her lack of patience about everything that she can't do this. It does say she shouldn't iron. All I'd like is for her to do some child related activities.

I know what you are saying about an au pair or a friend but I guess the fact that i'm messaged regularly by previous au pairs that I just thought it would be the same again. I am realising that this is a different experience but we've had some great laughs, I put a lot into making it a great experience. Why I have an au pair in the first place over nursery. I didn't want her to leave with a bad taste in her mouth. I gave her a lift to the train station today. When I see her next I'm going to tell her that its' not working. I will cry and I will be sad to see her go. My next au pair arrives in March. My husband gets home in April.

Don't anyone take this the wrong way but I'm not coming back on this thread as I've had some great advice in amongst this and I've made my decision about what I'm going to do and say based on this advice. Now I'd just be coming back to read the people trying to give me a bashing!!

My aupair did wraparound care for ds when he was one. He was in ft nursery but she looked after him sole charge for one hour before he went to nursery and one hour after he came home. Should I be shot?

She was 19 and brilliant and I would absolutely trust her to potty train a nearly 3 year old boy.

I have had a 22 year old aupair who I had to ask to leave because she left the gas on and did not know the smell. I would not leave her with a dog.

It all depends on the girl. There are no hard or fast rules. Anyone can be shown how to potty train, even a first time mother, yes? I am surprised by these flowers that become aupairs who can do some things and apparently not others.

OP, I feel your pain. You do not have to justify her duties. You will be well rid of her. My philosophy with aupairs is if they are not working out, move them on quickly because it is so dependent on the girl and they rarely improve enough to turn into a keeper. Hopefully the next one will be better.

Does she have much experience in looking after very young children? It's a lot to expect someone to do. If your finances aren't stretched I would look for a nanny or someone moving on from nursery work who has some experience and training in this area.

You are wrong, sorry. Unless she has previous experience with toddlers, potty training is stressful. As a parent, you do many things for your children that you cannot expect an unqualified young stranger to do. And btw, you have mentioned your son's name

"She already has her flights book (she's from the States)"

As I understand it, USA citizens are not currently eligible to be an Au Pair in the UK.

Is she here as a tourist (no visa)? If so, she is working illegally (the USA is not part of the Youth Mobility Scheme) so I don't think you are going to need to discuss anything very much with her.

Just point out that it has come to your attention that, as a US citizen, she is not eligible to be an Au Pair in the UK and so your contract with her must end immediately, without notice.

Did she come to you via an agency? I can't imagine how they failed to pick up on this.

I've worked as an au pair and been treated like shit, but putting a child on the potty wouldn't bother me at all.

Being expected to walk two dogs and look after a toddler would have bothered me because, at the time, I wasn't experienced enough.

If you are in the UK, then the legal situation re American au pairs might get you off the hook as per getting rid of her.

It sounds as though the arrangement just hasn't worked - you have a lot on your plate and a nanny / CM might be more suitable.

As far as the possible smacking is concerned - I would be suspicious too, but it seems you can't prove anything.

Hope you get it sorted.

I learned the hard way in the past that keeping the wrong au pair is a mistake. I did so.

Looking back, I was trying too hard to be fair as I saw it. But your child only has one mum.

If your instinct is that it isn't working out, and it does look that way, get rid.

Also, I think it is a bad sign that you were persuaded to change your mind.

From one navy wife to another I can see why AP's are a good solution but you have to get the right person and 2.5 days really is too much for most to cope with, especially when it's a frustrating stage like potty training. Either way you do need to get rid and I think you know that. I hope your new AP works out better but in the interim a childminder might be a better solution.

I hear you OP. Sorry to post and run but life is busy. I just wanted to offer support though. Why do some people insist on hammering anybody who has an au pair

My experience and view is similar to Blueshoes.

... and if aupairs weren't suitable to help when a child is potty training, then no one with children aged 2-4 would have them. Oh, I forget... there's also the 'law' that states that no one's allowed an au pair to care for an under two year old.
Tripe.
And please don't quote Real Laws at me.

There's no law, but generally people with 2-4 year olds don't choose young unqualified, inexperienced foreigners on short term contracts to look after them.

Obviously some au pairs might be 25 year old kindergarten teachers with loads of experience and more than capable, but most are suited to wraparound for school age children who require little care.

There are hundreds of families with very young children who have lovely au pairs to help with looking after their under 4s. Every set up is different.
I'd have the few wonderful au pairs I've had any day over some of the expensive nannies friends of mine have employed and been unhappy with.

A lovely cheap au pair to "help" with very young children is a little different to 2.5 days of sole charge.

Maybe, maybe not. Unless we know the exact details of every set up, it's impossible to make assumptions and judge.
I've known friends who have had qualified, experienced nannies who have glowing references who've heard from neighbours that their young child has been left outside in their buggy for over half an hour, crying, a nanny who smacked, multiple nannies who are lazy and who only take their charge to groups where their nanny friend go, who take their charge to their house to feed their dogs without asking parents (Rottweilers). You couldn't make this stuff up! I've had a number of nightmares with au pairs. Just saying that nannies aren't always ideal alternative. It takes luck and perseverance to find the right and lovely person, whether they're an ap or a nanny.
But, and sorry to have digressed OP, if I had a hunch that my ap had smacked my child (whether in sole charge or not), I'd be looking for a new ap. Some things are just a big fat NO. Trust your bunch or you'll never be able to relax knowing she's with him.

Hunch. Not bunch ;)

And I'd have my lovely, experienced, qualified nanny over a teenager, who (generally) doesn't speak fluent English and has absolutely no experience if being responsible for a small child in a foreign country. Horses for courses and all

Who said anything about a foreign-speaking, inexperienced teenager?

You'd be surprised how many aupairs have very good English. I only hire those that do. You can also find those with some childcare experience, either in a previous aupair stint or with extended family.

I agree with Agony that the quality of nannies can vary as much as that of aupairs. You would have thought that if you paid top whack for a nanny you would get bang for your buck. Sadly, like aupairs, nannies come in different shapes and sizes.

I keep quite a close watch on my new aupairs. Because they live with you, you can generally get a feel for whether it will work out within the first week. By the 3rd week, you would have a good idea. I would start performance managing at that point, with a view to moving on if there is no immediate improvement. I do this until I am reasonably happy with the aupair, be it the current or a new one. There is no reason to stick it out with a sub-par aupair and certainly not one who you think has physically struck your son. They can easily find another family.