Au pair just quit...

[sometimesinthefall]

Just that, really. She was great until last week and then things went from bad to worse. Having had trouble with our last three au pairs, clearly some adjustments are needed. The post is very easy - mainly after-school pick ups and holiday care for two well-behaved kids, nice town with a big au pair community - but I find the girls are inclined to ask for unreasonable things rather than enjoy what is on offer. I feel sometimes that this is a free for all and many of them are just looking to get as much as they can (the previous one mainly enjoyed a 5-month jolly on the local bar scene). Our soon-to-be-gone au pair has complained that she wasn't allowed to work in her free time (due to the NI implications for us; she never made it clear that it was important for her), that she didn't have use of the car (the insurance quote for her came back at 3,000 and it was not indispensable) and that we didn't chip in for her English classes (I simply forgot!!). She also seemed very upset when we asked her not to bring in friends during her work hours. Any practical advice as to how to make a better start next time - except not forgetting money I promised?

Well, by reading some of the responses it sounds like an au pair is a guest you pay to be at your house and eat your food?

Some of these girls are 18 and over, they come as it's a safer alternative then coming on their own with no money or no job, but if they feel entitled and are not up for the job then the atmosphere cools down in the house :).

Some of them think it's an easy route as they don't realise how hard is to get into a family dynamics and look after kids, for them the lesson is that they should not work with children....the families most of the time have to put up with this and move on to next one hoping it works.
And this costs money...
By looking at the threads on mumsnet these type of issues happen with all sort of childcare but because au pair are cheaper there seems to be an assumption that the au pair is always the victim.

The package should read as this is what it's worth to the au pair not what costs the au pair family.

I thankfully don't need an au pair, never had one, but have heard lots of stories from friends who used to au pair and they are all very very positive with friend being still part of that family special occasions so the stories on mumsnet are a minority I believe and we cannot tell who's fault it is as we were not there ;)

I agree with Cannotseewoods - what I meant by 'package' is that: 'The package should read as this is what it's worth to the au pair not what costs the au pair family'.
I don't think I have been that snippy - I just don't like it when people say that I don't allow 'human rights' to the au pairs who come to my house and that 'I have a problem'.
And yes, the atmosphere was tense in my house, but it remained civil and and respectful. And yes, I'm glad she's gone now - if it makes me a terrible person and a dangerous employer, I can live with it.

Actually, Cannotseewoods, I agree with all of your post (I hope this won't land you in trouble!), including the last part about what a great system it is when it works well.

Not sure the room is worth anything to the au pair given part of the job is room and board and au pairs don't live out.

But live in nannies also get food and board and get paid regular wage

Live in nannies are cheaper than live out nannies based on what I have seen on mumsnet.

Au pair would have to pay rent if they didn't get room...

It's not really fair to expect professional childcare from an au-pair. Professionalism requires training and experience. Au-pairs are not compensated anywhere near the same level as the real professional nannies (who are also live-in). The fact that they get room and lodgings in expensive areas is neither here nor there - it's not necessarily a bonus on 100 pounds a week.

They are looking to get as much out of it as they can. It's a job like any other.

I don't want to take anybody's side here... But then what can you expect from an au pair?

Why would you want a complete stranger in your house if you cannot ask them to do anything?

Would you put up with a messy person in the house who also has an attitude just because they are not paid like a professional?

Good attitude/common sense are important and make the difference and don't need training

Cannotseewoods - thank you for a sensible take on it. Some people on here don't seem to understand that just like any job you are paid to do, being an au pair does involve some work. I have seen some host families work au pairs far too hard but equally there are also some terrible au pairs out there. I think we should all take each story at face value rather than always hammering the OP.

Well, if it's happening repeatedly, you have to wonder what you are doing, you're the common denominator here. Forgetting to pay for lessons, refusing the car (presumably after telling them they would have access to a car), 40 hour weeks in summer (au pairs don't generally work out as an average, 40 hours is full time care which au pairs do not ever do)...... being an au pair is not really a job, its foremost an exchange, and you are expecting professionalism from a non-professional.

Grocklebox - maybe the main problem I have is that I recruit au pairs who are not a great fit for my family? Sorry, just joking ;-)
I think you must have misread what I wrote: I do not have au pairs over the summer; they go home when the school year finishes. The 40-hour weeks (which, again, are mainly notional, as in practice there are always activities during which the au pair has some time to herself) are during the school-year half-terms. I have had many au pairs being very happy with the 'average hours' arrangement; as long as it's a clear part of the initial agreement and they are happy with it, why not?
I didn't express myself correctly regarding professionalism. In terms of childcare, the work is very appropriate for an au pair: school pick ups, watching films, going to the park or the leisure centre...

Given that your au-pairs aren't even around for much of the school holidays I'm surprised you go to the hassle of having one. A friend of mine who works and has three school-age DC has a local woman (older - her kids are grown), who comes in every day to do the after-school period. It doesn't cost much and, being older, she's very professional and having raised DC of her own she's very capable of supervising homework, making dinner and getting the DC to eat it, etc. She also babysits or they have another couple of local girls who do.

Having been an au pair myself I can see why you're having the issues you are, but they're just young and inexperienced. I was 19 when I au-paired and I was utterly bored by child-care (if I'm honest!). What enthused me was going out with people my own age. Actually, I don't think that's changed much

Yes - and agreed on the 'if you want professionalism, pay for a professional'. Au pairs require no training and its just a cultural exchange. They should have no more than light household and childcare duties and only work a few hours a day - including during the holidays. They are there to be an extra pair of hands around your house, to learn English, and for the experience to enrich both parties. They are not an alternative to a nanny, who is a professional who has trained to do his/her job. From your requirements I think you're doomed to be disappointed by au pairs in general!

Juneau - I don't see it as a hassle, I genuinely like the cultural exchange. I still can't see what aspects of the tasks listed above require training...
There are many great girls out there who also choose to be au pairs because they like looking after kids, and I perfectly understand that the focus of their time here is their own social and cultural experience rather than 'the work'. Again - I have had very good experiences alongside the less successful ones.

My point about training was merely that if you want someone who is professional, then perhaps you should pay for someone who has trained to BE a childcare professional. A young woman who wants to live in England for a bit in order to learn English and earn a bit of pocket money is unlikely to be particularly professional. You can certainly get lucky on that front and find someone who is mature and responsible beyond her years, but there will be many more who aren't.

I think you've had a really hard time on this thread OP. I don't think your expectations are unrealistic. We've had a number of au pairs in the past - some have been brilliant, others have been a nightmare. I think, to a large extent, it's pot luck who you get!

Okay - I know many people here will hate that, but I meant by professionalism is, for instance, not being blatantly hungover on the job several times a week, not expecting a boyfriend to be present on a permanent basis when she was looking after the kids, to help with the running of the house, for instance helping put away the shopping away even if it's Saturday. And saying goodbye to the kids rather than leaving the house in the middle of the night, that would have been nice.
That's probably closer to what Cannotseewoods referred to as common sense and manners.

I am coming in a bit late on this, so please forgive me, but since we just started with our new au pair, I somehow feel attached to this topic. We also found our au pair online, through aupair village, and so far it's been working out really great.
It seems to me as if you need to make it VERY clear from the very beginning where your boundaries are. We sat our au pair down the second day and laid some ground rules: use the car ONLY for shopping and driving to language school, NEVER with the kids, we pay the gas. she can have friends over, but not during working hours and we want to meet them the first time they are over. do NOT have your friends take care of our kids! etc. etc.
I think it´s extremely important for both sides to know the ground rules (even before they come) so they know that they're getting themselves into AND you won't end up with an au pair that just isn't what you need.
Then somebody here suggested a "guest book" type book that is laid out in the hallway for everybody to write suggestions, concerns, ideas. I found this VERY helpful. Our au pair was too shy to say that she actually enjoys cooking a lot and that she prefers preparing her own meals. So we set a budget for her to go shopping and agreed on 2 family dinners with us per night and any other day she is more than welcome to join us with her food. Several times this has resulted in her making dinner for us, as she REALLY loves to cook - which I am not complaining about AT ALL!
So maybe take a couple of days to sum up ALL the things that are important to you (even if it seems picky, but hey, you do have to live with this person in your house!) and make sure to communicate them to your au pair way early in the exchange. It actually might help you avoid misunderstandings!
Good luck with the next au pair, don't give up, I believe there really are some great ones out there!