Au pair just quit...

[sometimesinthefall]

Just that, really. She was great until last week and then things went from bad to worse. Having had trouble with our last three au pairs, clearly some adjustments are needed. The post is very easy - mainly after-school pick ups and holiday care for two well-behaved kids, nice town with a big au pair community - but I find the girls are inclined to ask for unreasonable things rather than enjoy what is on offer. I feel sometimes that this is a free for all and many of them are just looking to get as much as they can (the previous one mainly enjoyed a 5-month jolly on the local bar scene). Our soon-to-be-gone au pair has complained that she wasn't allowed to work in her free time (due to the NI implications for us; she never made it clear that it was important for her), that she didn't have use of the car (the insurance quote for her came back at 3,000 and it was not indispensable) and that we didn't chip in for her English classes (I simply forgot!!). She also seemed very upset when we asked her not to bring in friends during her work hours. Any practical advice as to how to make a better start next time - except not forgetting money I promised?

It may well be a total cost including food and bills hike. £100 pocket money a week is £400 give or take, plus food for another adult £150 a month depending what you buy and what she eats, electricity has gone up £40 a month with our current au pair, mobile phone we provide costs us £20 a month. If you take her out once a month on a day trip or for a meal or include her in a takeaway that's £20 or so, and we tend to do that 2 - 4 times a month so I effectively budget £100 on entertaining. Then if the OP is contributing to the English course it might explain the rest.

A nanny may work out cheaper but finding an after school nanny is a pain, they don't babysit and the OP says she like the cultural exchange aspect. I think communication rather than the set-up itself is at fault here.

True that lots of nanny's don't often babysit but it isn't impossible to find a nanny to only do after school care. Especially if they've got another 'mornings' job on at the same time with another family. It might be worthwhile advertising it on childcare.co.uk or simillar just to see what responses are like.

The nanny vs au pair question is very interesting if you only need limited childcare.

I currently have an au pair. The direct costs are probably more like £700 pcm (pocket money, food, car insurance, gym membership, phone bill).

The "savings" to our au pair of having free lodgings are probably c. £600 pcm (the cost of a double room per month in Zone 3, London).

Which means our au pair has a package worth about £1300 pcm.

Next year I can manage with after school only childcare for 4 days a week - say 3pm to 6pm = 12 hours.

16 hours x £15 = £240 p.w. or £780 a month.

So, my out of pocket costs would be the same(ish). On the one hand I get my house and spare room back. However, I also like having (good) au pairs for the cultural exchange, flexibility and occasional babysitting. Bad au pairs are a nightmare though, more so than bad nannies as you have to live with them.

I'm not sure what the answer is yet

As citytocountry and schlafenfreude said, the £1000 estimate for the package includes what the rental price of the room would be (I live in an expensive place!), entertainment, the phone, food... I suspect it's a conservative estimate actually. I am not saying that we 'pay' the au pair £1,000 a month of course.
I agree it's perfectly fine for an au pair to work outside her family working hours but it can't be taken for granted that it will be an option - again it's something to do with expectations and setting them out clearly. Lesson learnt.
As for the car - I agree it was a mistake but the contract did say clearly that it would be for work use only (having had the joys of previous au pairs emptying a full tank in a week on personal use only), everything is perfectly doable by foot, so yes - poor communication but not the end of the world.
I'd definitely be interested in a nanny but realistically no one is going to agree to work 10 hours/ week during term time, 40 hours/ week during holiday time, babysit and have a far degree of flexibility too - for less than £500 a month. Or if you find her, please send her my way!

Ah that's different. You say they hardly do any work, only 10 hrs a week etc. But actually they are working x4 that half the year during holidays

The problem appears to be yourself, op not your au pairs.

Thanks for the constructive comment, SoonToBe. Are you having a bad day? I never said au pairs are the problem, I came here to ask for practical suggestions as I know I've made mistakes.
The different holiday arrangements have always been very clear and this is fairly standard for many au pairs, especially as it very rarely works out to be 40 hours, with holiday clubs, playdates and grandparents helping. A standard au pair 'contract' is 20 hours per week and on average mine are still well under it.

And these big holiday weeks are about 4 weeks in the entire au pair year as they are not here over the summer, have 2 weeks at Christmas and Easter etc.

I am sure some nannies would be happy with the afterschool/babysitting + full time school holidays. Maybe a student? You should give it a try ;)

Thanks OhReallyDear - hadn't thought this was an option, but will look into it!

I agree with those who say you need to be really clear with the au pair about what you want from the arrangement.

I don't think getting ready to go out and leaving as soon as you return is unacceptable, nor is sleeping late on her days off. You specify that she was hungover - do you disapprove of her drinking too much?

Most au pairs would probably expect use of a car but if that wasn't the arrangement and she knew that, then fair enough that you didn't allow her to use it.

I don't think it's great that you 'forgot' the English lessons. Why did that happen?

I would set v clear expectations right up front, making sure everyone knows these are non negoiable and just the way life will be

Eg house 'rules', job description, contract w hours & holiday explicit + benefits, and a daily/ weekly schedule

It's so much easier to maintain rules & standards rather than change them afterwards

When screening candidates, don't take what they say as pure truth. People can have really unrealistic ideas of thenselves and what they will feel like / be like in certain circumstances. Eg when they happily agree with things that you yourself would have a problem with eg oh yes I'll get on a night bus at 3am and walk one mile cross country every Monday & Wednesday for a year so i can see my friends. Oh yes that will be great.

Ha, so true, Miscellaneous.
So, I had apologised profusely for all my mistakes and misunderstandings, gave her the money I had promised, found a new au pair very quickly and did my best so she could get back home asap. We had just asked her to stay for another week (half term)... And she ran off last night in secret, leaving a note saying that she was 'no longer enjoying it'. She took with her the neighbour's male au pair (long story); my neighbour is a single mum who travels a lot, so she's nicely stranded too.
Thanks all for all the great advice this week; I have definitely approached things very differently with our incoming au pair. I also feel better that... How to put this...I may not be the only one to blame in this.

Oh my goodness, drama!!

Hope you have better luck next time and the new approach pays off!

Sounds like you and your neighbour need a nanny share.

Sorry for your predicament OP
I think employing an au pair to do 10 hours weekly and 40 in holidays is reasonable when you average out, but in practice unlikely to work.
Most will happily work term time then leave before big holidays I would have thought.
I think a nanny would suit you better. As others have said might suit a childcare student. You might have to cover morning school run but possibly could find someone after school, babysitting and holidays.

The whole point of having an au pair is to have coverage for the 'big holidays' and any sensible one, unless you have a mad job description, would realise this is part of the deal. Of course they dont all expect to bugger off at these times but you do have to up the rate for the extra time and ensure that you are giving them paid leave during time with you. There is a calculator on line to help you work out what they're entitled to.

Oh Lordy, what an awful and yet ridiculous end to the issue! Poor you, how are you coping?

OP I am in awe that aupair cost is 1000 for you what is effectively 10 hours a week?
I pay 90 to my aupair and 5 monthly phone cheapest giffgaff deal, for 25 hours a week. I switched food shopping from tesco to Aldi, so my shopping bills only decreased  Dont know about electricity/gas consumption yet. Overall should nicely fit within 450-500. He pays for his English classes and transport (his own use). He seems happy enough.
Good luck with finding a new aupair. Dont listen to those who try to blame you on here, but rather be clear with your next contract (but do you really need an aupair??).

Hi Meadow - sorry if it's confusing; £1,000 is the 'package' cost, including the room. Not so much cash is actually paid, which is one of my reasons for opting for an au pair. I am definitely going to look at the local college for a childcare student, that's a great idea.
I am very relieved that she's gone! The atmosphere of the house was tense and I was feeling really bad about the whole situation, so now I am partly relieved of that guilt. I had found a new au pair the day before she absconded so everything is in order. I was very clear about what is on offer, and insisted that she would have a lot of free time. She seems lovely and I am keeping my fingers firmly crossed :-).

What do you mean, the package cost? What package? You are not paying extra for a room in your house you already have? Your costs for an au pair are their pocket money, gym or phone or travel cards, plus extra food and bills. Nothing else. The room in your house does not cost you more. Where is £1000 coming from?

It only costs you that much if you would otherwise have a lodger in that room bringing in that money.

Agree the overall cost shouldn't include what a room would be unless normally renting it out and assume you didn't

Nannies do babysit - if you need 40hrs in holidays then a nwoc may work for you and pay pro rota over the year

Or use a cm term time and find a temp/holiday nanny

You asked her to stay for another week but now are glad she's gone because it was a tense atmosphere in the house? I think you sound like hard work and you've been quite snippy with anyone that said anything you didn't like on this thread (no doubt you will be snippy with me too). I think you have unreasonably high expectations and (I don't think we have established what exactly you wanted her to do when you came in from a night out). Hope you have better luck next time, try being nicer to them and not acting like having them there is a huge favour to them and you might get on better.

The sooner that people start treating au pairs as employees the better. You can't just decide what her package costs, this kind of thing should be set by the government. Too many young people are getting abused by unfair families. It's only a matter of time until a child is hurt or worse by people going the "au pair" route for chikdcare. Wish it was regulated like the au pair programme in USA.