Your best advice - talk to me about going back to work after maternity (terrified!)

[Ruralninja]

Hello wise ones. I'm returning to work in January after what will be 14 months with my DD. It's been an amazing experience and I feel we are really close - partly because my DH is away in the week and with no family close by, we have been inseparable - which has its challenges too of course.

I'm going back 4 days a week and am planning a nanny for DD so that she has a peaceful time at home, which is very much what she is used and likes, with trips out for activities e.g. swimming, baby groups etc.

I'm just really conflicted and worried (3 am fretting hello!) about how it will work. I'm not really seeking reassurance as such because it will be fine and I know how lucky I am to have had all this time, more I would love to hear what you did that really helped. Practical things, emotional things. Detail like do you make a big fuss of saying goodbye or not, is there a way to make the transition easier in the evening, e.g. do you change out of work clothes, etc etc. Basically what are your top three bits of advice for me?

Thanks so much for reading

Ok well saying good bye, keep it short and sweet, a cuddle a kiss and hand over and leave. I send my employer pictures and updates during the day.

When you come home, go get undressed and thn hand over. Because as a nanny there is nothing worse for baby or nanny, when parent comes home to an excited child. then leaves a now hyped up child to get dressed, it usualy upsets the child and it's not fair on them.

Have a daily diary or calender. With activiys, meals and sleeps ect written on so you can see your Childs day, leave notes for the nanny, nanny can leave notes for you ie need more kitty money!

Hope I've helped and remember it's your baby you can take as long as you want to say goodbye...

I ask that my bosses say goodbye so the baby knows that they've gone to work.

Handover I usually only get 5 minutes at the end of the day to handover. So mb doesn't get a chance to get changed first. If she's home earlier she may get changed if she can sneak upstairs without disturbing us. But again it's worse to come in and then disappear again leaving an overexcited/upset child for me to deal with.

We have a daily diary, I also have mums/dads email so can email during the day if I need to mention anything, give updates. We try to have a longer chat once a week but tend to rely on emails to communicate.

I would recommend that if you know you're going to be late that you inform your nanny as early as possible if you're due at 6 don't text at 5.55 to say you're still at the office. If you have to leave the office at 5.30 to be home on time you need to have warned the nanny by then that you're running late.!

I don't bother getting changed, as soon as I walk through the door my two year old is all over me! He does point at my shoes and say "mama, off!" until I take them off, presumably realising that if I have no shoes on I'm unlikely to leave again.....

Communication and Trust are key things in my view.

Find a way to communicate with your nanny that works for both of you. That may be nanny sending you a picture, you sending a text or an email.

Trust your nanny to do what they feel is best in any given circumstance. It may not be what you would do but DD is the priority so as long as she is safe and happy then how that was achieved is not really important. Everyone does things a little differently, don't expect nanny to be a substitute you. You don't want nanny to be a substitute, you want there to be some difference.

Nice quick goodbye. One of the key things is showing that you have complete trust in the nanny/childminder, because your DC learn from you. Even if you want to cry on that first day it's a big smile and a cheery goodbye then crumple outside

It's quite normal for kids to get upset, maybe after the first few days when they realise what's happening. But 99/100 they'll calm down very soon after you leaving and have a wonderful time, so don't let that affect you.

I've never got changed when in the evening, just come in and taken over (not from nanny, from DP actually but he tends to bugger off immediately for twenty mins peace and quiet so it's vaguely similar). You'll find your own new evening routine quite quickle.

Thanks for the responses it's helpful to have these perspectives and from both nannies and mums

Nice quick goodbye definitely. And practise so that your DC gets used to you going out without him before your first day at work. However, if your child is becoming upset and they do go through the odd clingy phase, it can sometimes help to stop and reassure them before it becomes a full blown meltdown. As soon as things are stable, then a cheery wave and "have fun" and don't stick around to hear the wails. I know that sounds contradictory but sometimes just making a bit of time because your child wants to engage you for 2 mins will then have them running off quite happily. My nanny sometimes took DD to the train with me and they waved me off and then went about their day. DD gets to wave at a train and tooted at by the driver, but it gave her some context as to where I was going?

Don't spend the day calling or texting. It's lovely to get the occasional message at work but you will also annoy colleagues if you are clearly fretting and distracted.

Make the time to get in and change your clothes before handover if you don't appreciate sticky dinner fingers on your smart work clothes. Not a nice message for a small child to be pushed away instead of cuddled.

If you can, get your nanny to do bathtime before you get in so you spend the time before bedtime reading stories and having cuddles, not getting an over-tired child through a bath when you are hungry and tired.

Arrange at least one late evening at work a week or fortnight, preferably as a standing arrangement and included in the salary - you can go for a drink, network with clients, get your hair cut, go to the gym, have dinner on the way home with DH etc. It makes a big difference and it doesn't have to be a late one. Plus your child and nanny get used to doing bedtime together so the odd weekend night out is not a huge hassle if you have to be gone by 6pm.

Top bit of advice - you want a nanny that your child adores and vice versa. You will not be replaced and they will feel loved.

• Find a nanny you really like and feel comfortable with and confident in. If you have any niggles - keep looking. If you can find this, everything else will be easy. Well, easier! You won't feel the need to micromanage, won't worry about whether your child is happy, etc.

• Ask your nanny to send you an email or a photo most days, that you can see while at work. And/or a daily diary. I've found this really helpful in terms of feeling like I know what DD is up to. But as Tread says - just once or twice.

• I don't change out of work clothes first thing - I take DD up for bath and change while she's in the bath, so I'm in skivvies by the time I have to handle a wet toddler/cup of milk etc.