Childminder neglecting children

[Thebodyloveschocolateandwine]

Hi there, listening to a discussion on the radio where a 10 year old has written a list of school events her dad has missed while he was working. He's a multimillionaire and now says he will take time off for the family. Lucky him. He can afford to.

Anyway my point is I have worked and been a sahm ( lovely) but the most neglected my own children felt was when I was childminding.

You are at home but equally you are not there for them. The mindees come first.
My dd would try to talk to me but we were constantly interrupted by the little ones and their routine trumped her life.

She missed out on after school things just as much as, or more than, she did when I was at work because other working mums would take it In turns to lift share and child care.

School plays and assemblies see a nightmare with 4 small children in tow.

No one thinks the cm needs this help with their own children.

Do any other cms feel they put their own children last and actually it's a tricky balance.

No one thinks the cm needs this help with their own children Well I think that's because if the children you're minding are under school age, you should be equipped to cope with your own and them. Ie with a car and activities for your own children should be managed by yourself....larger car perhaps being a necessity.

mrswinnibago are you a cm?

thebody I completely understand. My own dc are very lucky in some ways, ready made playmates, coming home to their own comforts but there are definitely disadvantages. They have to share everything, including their mum. Mine don't do ASC because of the traipsing back and forth with little ones, dinner is early because I have to feed little ones, having friends over has to be scheduled because of ratios etc etc. it's not all pros.

I completely agree op. When I was cm full time this issue caused me to seriously reconsider my decision to quit working horrific hours but PT in London as I felt they had better quality of family life. As it happens I lost 2 children just before summer hols, my eldest turned 8 & with a bit of juggling existing mindees I now only work 3 days a week for similar money. The difference to my DC has been amazing - they do a regular asc one day which they love & we keep the other day for play dates, chilling out etc. They are also getting on far better with mindees as they see them less & my house is marginally cleaner too . I absolutely agree that other school parents very much see you as 'having lots of children' rather than working & often seem surprised if I turned down hosting a coffee morning or lift sharing for activities.

I will quit cm if I have to work FT again.

Had a very sad chat with my teenager about how neglected she felt because of my CM. She said she felt she never had me to herself and would rather I had gone out to work.

However, I did love being able to pick her up from primary school (even though I could never talk to her teacher) and always being there at tea time (rather than attending a late work meeting), so there are pros and cons.

I cm full time and know exactly what you mean. I'm lucky I have some very understanding friends who help with lifts for my own dc while I'm working and I am lucky they help me. The downside is it means to pay back the lifts I have to do any late (after toddlers bed time) pick ups.

I am also the daughter of a cm. I remember as a child there were always children around, part of my childhood was spent before regulations and ratios came in to play, so there were often more children in my house than there are in mine. I don't remember feeling neglected though. Mum used to cm my best friend and it was lovely that she always came to play.

I always play up the financial side to my dc. If they want holidays and treats, the deal is I have to work.

Other people at school see me as a SAHM though. They can't understand why I don't read/do spellings/homework as soon as we walk the door. As if that could ever happen with six children in the house.

I to dread school assemblies, I will have three to take to the harvest festival this year and the thought fills me with dread. I just hope DH can get time of work so he can help me!

Exactly yes that's just the same for us all then.

It's the physically being there but not being there for them on an emotional or having time got them that's difficult and unless you are a cm you can't get it. Interesting.

I am going back to the business now as youngest is 15 but going to do part time and put my prices up.

mrsW sorry your post so spectacularly missed the point that you are obviously not a cm so you have no place to comment.

And we all have big cars. It's usually part of the job.

Oh yes it's annoying when other mums see you as a sahm! Ggggrrr.

I think cming is much more invasive to family life and your children than you think when you start.

Not moaning though as it's a great business but I do feel sad when my dd says she felt a bit pushed out when she was younger

Yes I felt I neglected mine, which led to me finishing for good in July. I was not there physically of mentally for them. It totally drained me. I now enjoy spending time doing homework, reading and spellings.
I can go to assembly without wrestling with a baby and a toddler. And feel better than I have done in months! I'm a SAHM for the time being and with two at full time school. It is lovely to have some time to pursue projects and to be able to clean my house whilst they're at school and know it won't be ransacked by 6+ kids at 3.30

My children's behaviour is so much better too.

Interesting thread I've been thinking about switching from nannying to childminding but have wondered about the effect on the cm own kids.
I was wondering about things like can your kids do evening activities? Or go on regular day trips in the holidays? Does Homework have to be left till later in the evening?

My sister and I grew up with a Childminder for a mum and I can honestly say it didnt affect our childhood in a negative way at all.

Our home was always full of toys and fun and I could always have a friend over for tea as Dmum was cooking for X amount already. By the time I staryed getting homework I was in secondary school.anyways and had the peace and quiet needed by going to my room to do my homework.

I hated organised activities and clubs anyways and much preferred playing out with friends so never felt like I couldnt do X/Y/Z because of the mindees.

I have to be honest, I don't really feel this way. Perhaps a bit when I first set out and I had two 14 month olds alongside my own 2 year old. The way I see it is this - I HAVE to work. I can't afford not to. How can my children be MORE neglected when they are with me but sharing my time than they would be if they weren't with me at all and were in childcare?

Maybe it's all about finding a balance...mine DO go to after school activities. Most of them start late so don't impact on the mindees. Yes they are limited because it's not always practical - but isn't that the case for most kids? I'm not full all day every day so there's always time available for friends over. All three of my kids have their own toys in their own rooms which no mindees are allowed in. These toys do not have to be shared. I also treat my own kids the same as mindees - they're counted in my ratios for a reason! When I plan half term or school holiday activities I make sure I take everybody into account. This means that sometimes the younger mindees are tagging along to something that they're not massively interested in as well as my older kids being tagged along to younger kids stuff.

The school concert/plays are difficult with little kids yes. But my school generally give lots of notice so I could take time off if I wanted to. And, managing to see the play whilst juggling a small child is far better than NOT seeing it which is what lots of parents have to deal with.

I really don't think my kids have it worse than any other child of a working parent - in fact I think they have it substantially better in many ways.

Yes see your point Ling and wondering if it's a case of how many you have and for how long.

I was open 8 till 6 mon to fri and had 4 every day. At least one was always there all day.

When I go back I am definatly having at least one day off. That way I feel I can tackle the paperwork and do the chores.

As cms I think it's hard to turn down work or say no and often you start taking on school runs and nursery runs and it gets very busy and stressful.

It's nice to hear from childminders now grown up children Think and lovely to hear that you didn't feel in anyway disadvantaged. I wonder though back in the day there was no paperwork really required so that stress and extra work wasn't there for your mum. Obviously making assumptions here on your age.

haha yes, it probably was less controlled "back then" (am 29, my dsis is 21). However my DM still CMs and does the absoloute bare minimum paperwork still. She still CMs "old school" style.

Also I think it depends on your own children's she's.

If you are minding children similar in age to your own that's one thing but for those if us with older children it's different.

My dd was 9 when I started and 13 when I finished and I know having 4 babies/toddlers in the house was hard for her. Talking after school about her day we were constantly interrupted and we all know how busy tea time is.

Often she would decamp to her bedroom for peace and so was by herself. Having her friends over was great in the holidays but again lifts to the cinema and shops were difficult if we didn't have enough room in the car.

Defiantly a down side in that way.

bare minimum sounds good to me regarding paperwork.

I think it does need to be in training TBH. The impact is often underestimated. I had a wonderful CM who loved all of the children she CMed for but her own DD took it really hard. She stopped childminding in the end which was a shame but probably best.

I can imagine that's a hard age to adjust to you childminding actually thebody. And is she an only too? Mine were 7, 5 and 1.5 when I started so they've kind of grown up with it. Also it helps that there are three of them a) they're used to dealing with other kids being around and b) it actually takes a lot of extra kids to make an impact! I always have at least one too but when I have 1 child here they just slot right in and it hardly feels like any extra. I'm in a position now where all of mine are in school full time so I have a couple of hours a few times a week where the 3 year old mindees are in preschool so I can catch up with paperwork and housework. It's heaven! One last thing that helps, I'm in Wales and we have less paperwork to do than you guys in England.

Y y to that Ling

She has older brothers who were late teens when I started so yes effectively was very much a only as they had their own lives so weren't so affected.

Lovely Wales you lucky thing.
She would be fine with it now as she's now mid teen.

Yes agree bertie I do thing it should be discussed during training as I do think it is a reason why lots of cms give up.

Oh dear I feel very sad reading this. How can you neglect your own children? I became a cm to be able to be at home with my two. I started when my two were 11 months and 2yrs when I started with a 16 week old. I then took on that ones sibling! My children have always come first and when my dd started Playgroup the minded child was dropped to me at the Playgroup for us to walk home with no problem. When she went to school I went to all the assemblies, plays, book fairs etc. As my son was old enough to move to school the family left me and so I took on before and after school children from my children's classes so they thought it was great having their friends over every morning and after school. I did another self employed job during the day so I was able to go to all the things at school and go on one school outing a year with each of them. I worked my Childminding around my children's needs. When they moved school I took on two babies as I had to drive them to school instead of walking. They also always did after school clubs when we could fit them in but as someone else said even for non cm children they can't always do everything!

I continued to cm but have always done it so I can do things with my two and I haven't found it has limited my earnings. Minded children have come to plays etc on occasion but at those times I only had 2 max.

I never had any difficulty with not paying attention to them, how do you think parents with 3 or 4 children of their own do it?

I am still minding even though my two are now away at Uni.

My best day was when I was having lunch with my 16yr old daughter, babies were all having a nap, she had been home on study leave and had just finished he last GCSE. She just quietly said 'Mum I am so glad you have been at home while I have been on study leave, I know I would have gone out with friends and not done the work if you hadn't been here with me.' That mad any sacrifices we had made, not many luxuries, cheaper holidays, no sky TV, no mobiles for the children, no playstation and the list goes on, worthwhile.

I have indeed been at home for both my children and they have loved the fact that they have not regularly left or come home to an empty house every day like many of their friends did.

I have enjoyed every min of being part of that and being a parent at home and doing a job I have loved every min of as well.

I could not have done the job I do without 100% support from my children and husband and they have all been fab in their support.

I think the trouble is today to many new childminder with young families of their own fill up as far as they can all the time and get so stuck in paperwork (a lot of which is not actually needed but that is another thread!) and this and that they loose sight of why they wanted to work from home in the first place.

can go to assembly without wrestling with a baby and a toddler. And feel better than I have done in months! I'm a SAHM for the time being and with two at full time school. It is lovely to have some time to pursue projects and to be able to clean my house whilst they're at school.