Aupair Issues - frustrations and bit disappointing, Help Needed

[azingles]

Hi All,
I'm a bit new on this platform so please forgive me if I continue babbling on. Myself and DH needs some alternate opinion/advice with our existing AP.
Our AP joined us 2.5months ago, she sounded like all we needed at the time and certainly in the first couple of weeks.
as time has passed, we've noticed a few things...she doesn't tidy up well, house cleaning and chores will always have to be prompted which is a bit frustrating having to always prompt her before she does. we pay her well above the average in our city. She doesn't cook but we don't expect her to cook for us and the kids. however we do expect her to cook for herself.
In other to encourage her to feel part of the family we said to her initially that she should feel free to help herself to our meals when I cook family meals. This statement has now turned into something else:

1. sometimes I'll prepare DH lunch for work beginning of the week, I open the fridge and its gone
2. stuff meant for the week, nicely cooked will be gone in a meal sitting
3. She has now started removing grocery (Costco) shopping from the storage normally meant for 3 months and eating them for lunch or when we aint around. Generally she doesn't ask for stuff, I would have thought common sense means if you want to take someone's things, courtesy demands a polite request. is this too much to ask? I'm not sure how to approach her on this as she seems to be really good with the kids. But my grocery bills are sky rocketing and not sure I'd be able to cope with that for a year. DH has asked her on a few occasions about issues concerning the kids and has found her lying (that was after cross-checking with the kids). Any thoughts or comments

An au pair is to be treated as part of the family so meals the same as you, so if you're making husband lunch make hers. If you find she is eating food you've planned for meals etc then buy some food she can eat, give her a shelf in the cupboard and fridge full it with food or snacks she will eat eg bread and spreads, cereal,canned fruit, baked beans etc or things from her home country.

I've been a live in nanny and now maternity nurse for the past 14 years and have NEVER had to ask if I can have food, it is my home and I wouldn't like to ask permission when ever I feel hungry. That said with every new family I say the few things that I like to have eg herbal tea, Greek yoghurt, fruit so simple things. It takes communication skills to live in someone's house and that is something a young au pair won't have but the hosts should, if you don't explain about the food she will never know.

The lying is very different. But if children are saying one thing and au pair another then ask au pair why there is a difference.

AP's are not professional childcarer's and you do need to prompt them about most things, especially if they aren't doing it properly.

Write a detailed daily sheet and give it to your au pair on a weekly basis. Include EVERYTHING you want them to do e.g..8.30: Tidy up breakfast things, put on dishwasher if needed, wipe table with dettol spray. etc.
Eventually, she will get it and you won't need to be as prescriptive.

Regrading the food, it is included as part of the au pair deal. Ours has a separate kitchen and a food allowance that goes with it, she eats with us in the evenings a couple of times a week and then cooks for herself in her kitchen the rest of the time. However, I have always made it clear that she can help herself to stuff in our house when she likes, although we have a DNE code (so Do not eat) on things that I've bought for main meals.

How are you expecting her to cook for herself? Are you providing the food or expecting her to buy her own food?

It sounds like you are taking advantage.

Au pair should be joining you for meals. Board and lodgings are part of the deal. Treat her like a niece staying with you. You sound like you are excluding her from the family? But maybe I'm getting wrong impression from your post.
Maybe give her a cupboard for her snacks etc. And get some sticker dots red = don't eat wanted for family meals. Yellow only have one packet. Green help yourself.

Eating family meals is meant to be a given for an au pair, not some kind of privilege graciously bestowed by the host family on occasion. Au pairs are not expected to cook meals for themselves on a regular basis! Nor are they expected to do the family cooking - you seem to think you are being generous in not expecting this.

It is not right that she is eating your dh's lunch so you need to make it clear that certain prepared items are off-limits - that's perfectly sensible. I don't understand your point about cooked food meant for the week going in a sitting. Are you saying that she is eating an entire week's worth of food herself in one day?! Re the Costco stuff, if she doesn't use that does she have anything else to eat for lunch? If you expect her to cook for herself but also expect her to ask before she can use foodstuffs, how is she ever going to eat?

I do see your point as I once sacked a live out nanny because she would eat (or steal?) all my food - a week's worth fruit in 2 days or the whole loaf of bread in a day and that's on top of normal food.

I am guessing that your aupair maybe started to feel homesick? And so eats more?

I have a male aupair and he is allowed to eat everything. Admittedly I swapped my shopping from Tesco to Aldi to make the bills more affordable. He has to prepare food for lunch for himself, and for dinner I ask him to cook rice or potatoes or pasta, and add grated cheese or sausages or a meat casserole that I cook in advance. He does need guidance but otherwise responsible and sensible.

It sounds like you are treating her like a nanny rather than an au pair. You should be providing her with food to eat and including her in meals. Your bills are going to go up with another adult in the house.

Au pairs are usually young and inexperienced in comparison to professional nannies so maybe you could give her a timetable for the week with tasks on. I do that for my ten year old!

obviously i didn't do a good job in explaining the situation very well.
AP eats very well with the whole family. meals are prepared for the whole family and she is encouraged to eat as much as she wants no qualms. The issue is, we all buy stuff and put in the fridge for various reasons.
Anytime DH wants to take something from the fridge which isn't his, or better still if he didn't buy it, he will ask me if its okay to take it, likewise me. That has been part and parcel of our married lives and we are used to that. AP will grab and use anything in fridge without asking. I naively thought, courtesy should be that anytime you pick something which isn't yours you ask. partly my fault for not explaining to AP what she can take or not take. and what is for family meals and what is for other purposes.
We have had AP's before and they've been really good and flow with us naturally so kind of expected this to continue same.
In terms of the storage stuff, I disagree that they should be 'free for all'. we use that to replenish what is in the kitchen when that finishes otherwise whats the point of storing food if everything everywhere can be consumed at whim?
I think i'll go with the labelling thing suggested here. and have a clarity conversation with AP. as a matter of fact, I do like her and she is lively but a little adjusting on both sides will help. thanks for all your contributions.

Just because it's part and parcel of your life's doesn't mean others do things the same way. I'd be inclined to set up the dot system as others use. Eg red - not to be eaten as for a meal; yellow - to be eaten in moderation and green - eat all you like. Having a live in employee requires excellent communication, we are not mind readers and every house hold has different ideals.

I wouldn't eat the sandwiches someone else had ready in the fridge but if your DP's lunch is more like a pasta pot, she might think it's general leftovers.

I certainly wouldn't know with ogy telling that some things in the fridge are ok to take and some not.

Is there always someone there to ask, as that seems unlikely.

And you've had other au pairs who've slotted in; she may well have had other families with a free for all policy.

all the best

I do see your point. good on you and set the boundaries. we all have our differences and it takes some adjusting to do on both sides.
other people's commentary here assumes AP doesn't get invited to family meals, that isn't how I read your thread. its the extra bit that is the problem, adn I subscribe to the fact that she may be missing her family.
I'm glad you said you like her and a little adjustment will do. all the best

Good luck! I am in a similar, but not identical, situation at the moment but my au pair is not particularly good with the children.

We have two fridges and I make one the 'family meals' and ingredients fridge and the under-counter fridge the 'free for all' one with cheese, ham, eggs, tomatoes, salad etc that ap can have for lunch. She still ate potatoes I had set aside for the children the other day though. My last ap are tons of cheese but she was so lovely and wonderful that we just laughed about it!