Good au pair but hard to live with

[AuPairQuestion]

We have a new au pair, only here 2 weeks, 18 years old. I have got on well with previous au pairs so I am not experienced with managing awkward au pair situations.

To summarise for those who don't want to read the essay the below, i am finding it hard to live with this au pair. Nothing is awful but she is not considerate as a housemate and although she is spending a lot of time with us in the evenings and at weekends, she is not that interested in chatting which makes for awkward situations. Having said that she is good with the kids and they like her so that is a massive plus point. My question is do I ask her to leave based on nothing awful but a general feeling that we do not gel, or do I try and be more tolerant?

My main issues with her are:

Mess: she is not tidy. She has a large bedroom but keeps leaving her stuff around the communal areas. She rarely puts her stuff in the dishwasher, hardly helps clear away after we all eat together and mis bad at her few duties that involve housework ( all she is asked to do is keep the kids bedrooms tidy, clear the kitchen after breakfast and tidy the toys at the end of the day). I keep gently showing her how to put things away etc but its not making much difference.

Noise: She seems very confident so she does things like sing to along quite loudly if music is on. She had been choosing to Skype in communal areas while we are there. Sometimes i can understand a couple of words and i know she is talking about us and i find that a very odd way to behave. We have now asked her to Skype in her own room which she accepted but I am still surprised she ever thought that was a considerate thing to do.

Spending time with us: she never goes out. We are in London and she is yet to go into town once. I have offered to show her how to use the Tube but she says she knows. I have introduced her to local au pairs but they do not seem to be meeting again. She is therefore at home all the time and usually with us. I want her to feel at home and be part of the family and we have included her in outings etc but i feel crowded by her constant presence. Oddly she does not like to chat much even though her English is great, so its not easy to build a rapport that makes hanging out a relaxed experience.

Consideration: every time i make tea etc i offer her a cup and she says yes. She sometimes makes tea herself but never offers to make me or DH anything.

Personal space: she stands right next to me, like a few inches from me. Its really strange but hardly something i can bring up without sounding in tolerant.

So what would others do? Admit we have no rapport and that is important so give her notice or work harder to make it work because these things are all little and she is good with the kids?

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If she's great with the kids id try tackling a few of the issues before getting rid.
Mess: I think you need to raise this with her. Ie you need to keep your belongings in your room, pitch in with clearing up after meals, adhere to the few chores she's been given.

Space: tell her that you & DH need a bit of personal space & agree 1 night a week that you have alone. Whether she goes in her room or goes out us up to her but from 6pm (or whatever is reasonable) you have time alone downstairs to eat a meal & relax. As for personal space next time she does it I'd make a light jokey reference to it (say it's a silly thing you've got if need be) but basically let her know she's standing too close & invading your personal space.

If you tackle these issues at least the others might be easier to live with

The personal space issue is probably a "gut instinct" thing. I doubt you would even notice her getting too close if you liked her. If she is getting on your nerves, in your position I would get rid. But then, to be honest, having a virtual stranger in my house 24/7 would be my idea of hell, so I can't imagine ever wanting an au pair in the first place.

My personal experience is that people's boundaries are very hard to move! I doubt you will make much headway with getting this au pair to respect your personal space.

I too think its unlikely that she will radically change her approach to living with others. I want to ask her to leave but it feels so harsh when shes done nothing particularly wrong and the kids love her. I cannot live with her though, last night I got home from a ten hour working day and spent 40 mins tidying to get the house back to the state i left it in. Then i felt so uncomfortable in her presence that i just put the kids to bed and went out.

I think you need to explain to her that in your house you require people to adopt your standards of tidiness, cleanliness, respect for others' personal space etc. and ask her whether she is willing to do that or not. Only fair before getting rid IMVHO.

18 is very young, we tend to have older au pairs, who have lived alone and are a bit more mature. I don't think its fair to tell her to go without giving her a little more chance to improve.

The personal space thing seems to depend on culture. Brits have very large ones and spanish cultures seem to be a lot smaller.

You can download a feedback sheet on this website
www.aupairfriends.com/masterpage.asp?token=&content=31

I'd let her fill in her bits and then change the other bits to suit you. You can insist that you and your husband have at least 2 evenings a week to yourselves in the house - even write the days on her daily schedule.

I don't know whether personal space issues improve with maturity though.

My DSS1 (19) has no natural concept of personal space or boundaries. His mother and his maternal grandmother are the same (worse, because they are older and have no-one to keep them in check). DSS2 (17) has a perfectly reasonable concept of personal boundaries. They have always been the same...

I've had two au pairs. One we got on with and was easy to have around, one we didn't. The the second didn't do anything overtly wrong, but I could tell she wasn't interested in us, just wanted a nice house to live in and go out and see her friends from. She was okay with the kids, sensible and kind but not massively switched on to them. Looking back she was immature (even though she was 23!), quite selfish and did not understand how to be a good employee.
I would lay the law down nicely but firmly to your au pair, everyone deserves a chance but if she doesn't change I would get rid. Life is too short to live with someone you don't like. Au pairs are aplenty.

Lay down the law and be blunt.

Tell her it is not acceptable for you to find the house untidy when you left it tidy and she will be sent packing if she does not keep things tidy.

Tell her that the her things go in her room, every day, before you get home

Tell her that even when she is off duty she is expected to pitch in and help out and that means offering drinks when she makes herself a drink and helping set tables, clear up afterwards, along with everyone else. Tell her it is entirely up to her whether she spends time with you in the evenings and that she is welcome to, but she has to follow basic manners and not be rude and expect things to be done for her, as if you were her mother.

Dont wrap it all up sweetly or she wont get the message. as for Personal space, making friends, well both might take time.

She's 18 and hasn't a clue, so needs to be told. Tell her once and see how it goes. FWIW I had two like this ove the 10 years ive had au pairs. one turned it round and is still a good friend 8 years on. One I had to let go.

I think, tell her clearly what your expectations are and give her a defined period of further trial.

Forget hints, tips and suggestions - make it crystal clear.

She is 18, very young IMO. Just set some house rules. My aupair also used to skype in our living room and sit there until late (we gave up our bedroom for him and sleep in a living room on a sofa bed), and I was about to set some house rules, e.g. skype in his own bedroom and leave the living room after 9:30pm, but somehow he got to his senses before we said so and I am actually now missing his company :)

Regarding making tea, just watch when she is making one for herself and ask "can you make me a cup of tea, too?"

Regarding personal space, my aupair tends to stand a little too close for my liking when talking to me, but it does not annoy me. "Luckily" for me my DS1 has no understanding of personal space so my aupair hears how I tell DS1 about not being into someone's face.

You are aupair's "mum" now, so just do what feels right to help her with the guidance.

Unless you feel that you don't click, then perhaps you need to let her go...