Struggling with au pair experience so far

[FilbertSnood]

Help!

I am finding if so hard to have an au pair... We are 3 weeks in. Its not really even her fault, its just the having someone here that is stressful. My husband is finding it hard too - he works long hours and he is finding it hard to come home and not just relax...

Also my children haven't taken to her (they are 2 and 4) yet and we are 3 weeks in - she doesnt actually make a massive effort with them. She doesnt really have much to do with the 4 yr old anyway, but my 2 yr old currently screams and hides from her and clings to me. Which means every time I leave the room he squeals and follows me sobbing.

Also - we don't actually need her really at the moment. I was supposed to start work on 1st Sept - just mornings, and she was supposed to do 4 hrs childcare each day of the 2 year old. Plus walk the dogs - so approx 5 hrs a day. I ended up not going back, but we decided she should still come (Close to her arrival date, tickets booked etc.) and I would get her to look after the 2 yr old while I look for work/ work for a few hours each morning (3 hrs?) and also walk the dogs. But he screams and screams - and she is not very instinctive as to what to do - I have given her tips/suggestions but he is not keen! I get them to go out and do something fun - which is better, but she often brings him back earlier than I have said, then I can't get anything done!

I am still learning about how to 'have' an au pair - and i have now made detailed instructions, explaining things step by step. which has helped a bit after a couple of disasters (eg. I asked her to take DS out for a walk in the pram to get him to sleep, which i took DD for her afternoon session at school - she has just started - I left at midday and came back at 3.45pm and she had left him in front of the tv for the whole time, apparently he fell asleep at 1pm and woke at 2pm on the sofa!) and I am finding it so hard to cope with leaving him in her care - I now realise she just doesnt have the skills for a 2 year old.

I find her junk food habit hard, her constant eating, her lying on the sofa while I run around and make food/ clean etc. with no help from her, the extra person to look after, the constant looking at her phone, her general laziness....

sorry for ramble... but basically I want out - but should I persevere? Does it get better? am I a miserable old boot that is antisocial?! I am sure i could sort childcare a different way now we aren't tied to a minute salary and felt that an ap was only financially viable option...

(ps. this isn't my first post, but I havent logged in for so long I can't seem to remember my old login or even which email address I used - so new account.)

She sounds lazy and like she is posibly using you for a paid vacay!

Get rid she sounds a nightmare!

I think you have summed it up yourself - she doesn't have the skills for a 2 years old. Plus she isn't doing what you ask her to do!

It also sounds as if she isn't making much effort to help either.

I have around with our au pairs, that you have to be very prescriptive and they have a detailed daily sheet with what to do at different times.

So yes, I would tell her its not working out with your 2 year old and ask her to leave. It's usual to give an au pair 2 weeks notice (unless they are really useless or unsafe), but by the sounds of it, I would just give her cleaning tasks and a bit of babysitting for the last 2 weeks.

I think Id give her notice too but I'd be fair/generous with pay IYSWIM I think it is difficult for some au pairs when the Mother is around.

Its not necessarily the au pair fault that your DC screams. It's just he wants you rather than the au pair.

You could see if she is interested in doing more chores and dog walking in the interim. Perhaps giving her more definite tasks in more definite time frames things like clearing out the garage or sorting out the gardens??? It might still be useful to have her around for when you pop out and do chores.

I just think he is too young - it's my fault for thinking it would be ok. I think I should do childminder for him maybe...

Thanks for input. Was trying to work out if I have unreasonable expectations... She is 27years old... I was expecting a bit more

Just seen your post skim

I think it is hard for her with me around and I am dreadful at leaving my children! I will see if she would take on some chores... I don't expect her to do any at the mo except pick up after the children when she is playing with them. And tidy their rooms in the mornings. She loves the dogs.

It doesn't sound like it's totally the au pairs fault if you find it hard to leave your children as your children will be picking up on this. As a nanny it's taken me years to feel confident in handling a child while their parent is around, certainly within three weeks I wouldn't expect it.

How long did you plan for her to stay?

I think au pairs are more suitable for older children ie school drop offs/pick ups and a few chores than for looking after toddlers . I'd personally give her notice and find a more suitable arrangement .

This is why it's not recommended to use an au pair for children under three. They're not childcare professionals, they're supposed to be like another family member/big sister. There are lots of people, of all ages, who would struggle with a screaming, clinging to his mum 2 year old and a 4 year old they have nothing to do with.

It's not working and you need to let her go, but I think you need to keep in mind that the failure is predominantly yours. I'm not saying she's perfect, but she hasn't done anything wrong. She eats junk food?! She's an adult woman, she can eat what she bloody likes (if it's the expense troubling you get her to pay for her snacks). Letting a 2 year old watch TV for a couple of hours? It's not ideal, but it's hardly the end of the world.

I think you need to give her the option of a weeks pay plus a flight home or keeping her on for another few weeks, whilst she looks for another job here.

As said already this is why most people use au pairs for before and after school care with older children. As a nanny with ten years experience it's still hard enough now to find a balance of the child wanting the parents attention and knowing when and how to distract them. Let alone an au pair when most have never had a childcare job and a bit of babysitting. If your children aren't bonding and your husband is feeling uncomfortable Maybe it's time to chalk it as experience learn from it and pay for her flight back home

Outragedfromleeds all of the advice I got from agencies before getting one was that they are suitable from 2? Not one agency or site said 3? Although I think with hindsight this is probably true.

Yes she can eat what she likes. I just hate the example she is setting my children, but that is my problem, not hers.

The tv is not the end of the world, I agree, but I was disappointed that she sat staring at her phone from 12pm - 3.45pm. I had hoped she would at least try to play with him. And I had asked her to take him out in the pram.

Anyway - I have already bought her a return flight home for Christmas, so I guess I will give her the notice agreed in our contract (2 weeks).

I feel incredibly guilty about all of it really. She knew that the role had changed and was happy about it, but it isn't fair on her.

I think she will want to find a new job nearby. So she can stay for a few weeks.

Don't beat yourself up about it, everyone makes mistakes. You don't really know whether something will work for your family until you give it a try. The important thing is that you treat her reasonably/handle her departure well and it sounds like you are doing

It just sounds like it isn't working out. Maybe she'd be better in a house with older children. Try and reach some kind of compromise as to when she leaves. It doesn't sound as if you've done anything wrong but she does seem very clueless even for an au pair.

I agree that it does not sound to be working out and it does not meant to be like that. With the right aupair your life should be easier, not more difficult. I know how annoying is a lazy person in your face when you are running about. My DH is like that.

My aupair is not perfect, but he makes an effort and I appreciate him for that. And he does make my life much easier.