would i be mad to think about an aupair in this situation?

[lu9months]

I am in a dreadful position, my husband is terminally ill, and I have three children, 12, 9 and 4. I have to go back to work because of finances. from a money point of view, getting an au-pair would be by far the best option for after school care etc. I am just worried as to how I would cope with someone else around, and how the poor au pair would cope with traumatised and grieving children. also, two of my kids (9 and 4) would need to start sharing a room , and the 9 year old has made it very clear he doesn't want to do this - he says now more than ever he needs his own space. I just don't know what to do. I think it would be so helpful to have another adult around so I can nip out if I need to , but it might to be difficult to make it work

No hugely helpful advice but I didn't want to read and run without expressing my sympathies. I would suggest that if you do go for an au pair you maybe go via an agency who could weed some down for you - it doesn't sound like you are in a position to be going through hundreds of emails from au pair world. And maybe someone early 20's rather than teenage?

Good luck with it all

I'm afraid to say that the 9 year old just needs to 'man up' and share. Would sharing with your oldest be a better option, it might be that he feels babyish sharing with a 4 year old. Having his own room is a luxury that you as a family unit cannot afford.

A colleague at work has had to had teen siblings sharing, one boy and one girl, they have a big curtain down the middle of the room to give each other privacy when they need it

Jeez hardly the time to tell a 9 yr old boy to 'man up'! However he may have to deal with this change too. Curtain idea is good. Sorry this is happening to u op.

So sorry you're all in this situation

The only thing I would worry about is sharing your family home with someone who is not family when the time comes that you are all grieving. It will be hard for you and your children and probably hard for the AP too. That would be my only reservation.

Obviously I'm far older than your children, but when my dad died 9 years ago - I was 24 - I only wanted my mum, my dd, my brother and my partner around. My mum felt the same and could only really cope with family at first.

You may feel totally different however. You need to go with what feels right for you and your kids.

Sorry you're having to worry about finances at this difficult time. I've guessed you've looked at the family options. What about live out help. We have a housekeeper who comes in 2 days a week to clean and do school pick-up. Could someone coming in 5 days a week help? It would be more expensive than an aupair though.

An au pair can be a great solution, but tbh I wouldn't recommend doing it for the first time in these circumstances. It's a bit of a gamble and if you end up with a nightmare one, it might just be too much for you all.

I would try for a more experienced nanny-housekeeper or mothers help. They should be able to do childcare and help manage the house.

I am so sorry to hear about your DH :( x

I can totally see why you are considering an AP and if you could guarantee you'd get a lovely, sensible, helpful, considerate one I'd say 'go for it'. The thing is that so many of them turn out to be a nightmare, or at least very hard work, I don't know I would in your situation - it might just be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I think I would go with a childminder who knows the situation you are in and is willing to help you 'out of hours' or 'at short notice'. Or a housekeeper/nanny (live out) if you can find someone who is happy to do just a few hours - someone older might be?

I presume you don't have any family or older children of friends who can help?

Sorry things are so hard.

Do you have contact with a hospice? If not, do consider getting in touch with one. They have loads of experience and will have met other families in similar situations. At the very least they should be able to talk you through your options, and you may find they can offer much more help than that too. Might even be able to introduce you to someone?

I don't think it would be ideal, au pairs need some looking after too and that may be the last thing you feel like doing, you may also need your own space too.

They also often don't stay more than 6-12 months and your children will need a stable caregiver, if you are in London, after school care is fairly easy to find.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I hope you manage to find a solution.

So very sorry.

I reckon a mothers help is more the thing. They are not live in so you'll all have your space but will be someone around to help with the practical.

I'd also say try and look for a childminder. You can also get childcare vouchers or tax credits potentially while with aupair it just comes out of your pocket.

Im sorry you're going through this. Be upfront with the aupair and try and get an older aupair.

So sorry you're in this situation. I think probably an au pair is not what you need - as a previous poster has said, they need looking after too, and are unlikely to have the age and experience to help you all manage this terrible time. Also having someone become part of your family for a year and then leave would be another loss for your children, so maybe not the best thing. Agree an older mothers help/ childminder may be more able to provide stability and support.