Who to trust?

[Simmy12]

Hi all, we are thinking of getting an au pair to help with pick ups with our 6yo and 9yo. We are registered on aupairworld and so far have recieved many applications, and the choice is down to two of the best.

First choice - 22, French, has never been an au pair before, has experience and acceptable English. Seems great and smart, but also shy. Husband and I both like her a lot.

Second choice - 19, Swedish, has been an au pair before, has a lot of experience and amazing English. We talked to her many times and she seems exceptionally intelligent and overall brilliant. My favorite to be honest.

The problem here is the second au pair. She has provided us with references, and also with a contact from a former host family. The thing is that she said that her previous au pair experience was really bad, but she still gave us a number to call, she said she has nothing to hide.

When I called that number, her former host mother started insulting her in every way possible - starting with calling her fat and ugly and miserable, and ending with "a pathetic, stupid, stealing cow." Now, all of that sounded awful and what she told me was horrible, but I went on to talk to the au pair and she told me a completely different story.

Said her former HPs were great at first but then the HM became extremly two faced, banned her from going out, screamed at her all the time, tried to make her eat things she was allergic to, and used her as a maid. Also said HD was a great guy and they got along great, but he was away most of the time. When I asked her about the stealing, she said that former HM accused her of stealing money from her purse, a purse that she didn't even own.

Now, even though the AP said her former HM treated her badly, she still said many kind and good words about her, and said that she doesn't hold any grudges, and is sorry for the way things turned out, while the HM seemed bitter and seemed like she couldn't wait to bad mouth her.

I don't know what to do honestly. It would be simpler to go with choice #1, but choice #2 really seems amazing but the things her former HM said made me rethink everything.

I would be very thankful for any advice you all may have.

For me it would depend on the second au pair's other references. Check those out as much as you can - if they sound good, I'd go with second choice and assume that she got one bad host family.

Sorry when I say second choice I mean second au pair, the one you prefer.

Is there only one ref? Call another and see what they say

Hi - I forgt to say that we called other references and everyone seemed happy to talk about choice #2, we called three more people and they said she was great. We decided to go with choice #2 anyway, and take a risk because she seems really nice. Thanks.

Tbh HM sounds totally unhinged. If she was unhappy with the au pair's performance/ behaviour she could have described the experience in a completely different manner, not calling her names, esp. bringing up her looks

Hi there,
As a nanny I've been on the receiving end of a bad reference from an ex boss who was hell bent on ruining my life after I left and I found she was telling new mums all sorts of horrible things about me when they called for a reference. Luckily I had numerous other references for new employers to check and things eventually worked out but when I read your posting and saw that this mum immediately went for the bitchy comments about the aupairs looks and weight etc it reminded me of my ex boss. My ex boss was a sad, spoilt woman who threw tantrums like a two year old and despite myself trying to keep things professional she would regularly act out and behave ridiculously.
I would take it with a pinch of salt what this ex employer has said and the fact that the aupair has been upfront about it all to you (as I was with my current boss when she told me what this ex boss had said) says to me that she sounds professional and just ended up in a bad working environment, which must be even harder living with that person, at least I got to go home each night and shake it off.

I would never trust someone who is calling her AP 'ugly'.

What her looks have to do with childcaring?

I would not have paid ANY attention at all and i would have said 'thanks, bye' after the 'fat/ugly'comment.

Hope all works out

Sounds like the mum is a tad unhinged and possibly jealous and I would ignore what she said - esp if you have other glowing refs