Male AP with pre-teen DD?

[HomerPigeon]

I am a single mum with pre-teen son and daughter. Previous APs have been female. It just happens this time round that the best candidates have been male. In contrast to the girls I've interviewed, I have 2 male candidates who seem incredibly organised and focused. For DS it would be nice to have a bloke around and he is keen. DD (10) does not want a bloke but can't explain why not - it's just a gut reaction.

I've checked out the references for both these guys and both have provided criminal record checks.

We do have one female candidate, who seems good too, though I think I warm to one of the guys a bit more.

Has anyone had a male AP with a DD this age? Would love to hear experiences, good or bad. I really don't want to choose one if DD will genuinely feel unhappy but equally I don't want her to dictate a choice that also affects DS - she already throws quite a lot of strops and I don't want either of them feeling that she can get her way just by being sulky.

I have cared for a pre-teen girl in the past, no issues there.

Is the living arrangements such that your DD would be sharing a bathroom with the au-pair? Maybe that is concerning her - good lock on the door perhaps!

At her age, her view does count but I feel she needs to consider what it is in particular that is bothering her about it and why that same thing would not be the case with a female au-pair.

I would need much clearer reasons from her.

I think she needs to have clearer reasons tbh. I absolutely think children should have input, but ultimately the parent decides.

I will never forget a conversation I had with an employer a while ago. She told me she liked me and another nanny at interview. Her eldest (very shy and introverted child) preferred me, but the youngest had preferred the other candidate. Her youngest was very outgoing and a bit of a dominant personality, and as a consequence seemed to always get her own way. This time, mum could see that I was the better choice of nanny for her eldest, and a good choice for the youngest too (but perhaps not as good as the other nanny).

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that she realised that one child would probably get more out if the deal than the other but it wouldn't be a disastrous experience for the youngest by any means. She was right by the way, and the eldest child and I are still the best of friends. The youngest and I got on very well too. Go with your gut unless your DD can give you valid reasons.

Agree, ask her if she can give a reason, without obviously making her feel like her feeling is wrong. Even as adults sometimes we don't really like others, without being able to explain why, so her opinion is not any less valid than DS, just because she can't articulate it.

That being said, I whole heartedly agree that it's not fair DS misses out because she is sulking. Balance it out, try weigh up pros and cons. I really like the idea of children being around men more because until they go to secondary school, most of their childcare lives are spent with women. Especially for boys, and being a single parent, having a male around is a real positive.

I wouldn't let her dictate 'no men' unless she has a very good reason. She needs to know that you can't/shouldn't rule out 50% of the population 'just because'.

You do need to take both their feelings into account though. If you like all three of the 'possibles', I'd let them have one veto each. That way neither of them end up with someone they really don't want.

I would also ask the potential au pairs how they would feel/deal with the situation to get an idea of who would handle it better.

I have gone with the female one in the end, mainly because I expect DD to start periods in the next year (she is quite developed) and I can see it would be embarrassing for her if she is in the care of a maleAP when this happens. Also, the female one is a recommendation from our former AP. That said, the male one was great and I do feel sad to have disappointed him and DS.

I said to DD that just because we're having a female AP this time, doesn't mean we won't have a male one on future.