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how long should a 10mo take to settle? please advise, am a bit upset

9 replies

Waveney · 31/07/2014 15:48

We have a new nanny who has been with us two weeks. She is a live-out nanny who brings her own son (15mo) to work with her. She is very nice and we get on well.

But the kids are not settling that well with her. The 10mo cries on and off the whole time. Normally I work from home but have been going into the office to give nanny some space. My husband works from home though (keeping himself out of the way) and reports intermittent crying throughout the day, worse in the afternoons. The baby now cries when he sees the nanny, if he knows I'm leaving, and when I pick up. He is getting better but still upset for significant periods, both in the house and outside.

We've done a settling-in period over two weeks - the first day I didn't leave him with her at all, then did two sessions of two hours, then a half day, and this week short days of six hours or so (will be 8 or 9 hours eventually).

My older son is nearly four. When he was 10mo and I went back to work we started a nanny share and he settled pretty quickly - some crying on pick up/ drop off but generally OK. Nothing like this.

I am very upset by this. I am hiding it from the kids and trying to be positive. I know it takes a while to settle with a new person and the baby is used to having me around (has not been left much before with people outside family). But I am really distressed to think of how unhappy he must be.

Is this normal? My instinct is not. I am concerned that she is not able to focus on the baby enough as obviously is also caring for her own child. My older son is not happy either (bored, he is spending most of the day in the house as between them the babies nap a lot!).

I would really appreciate any thoughts on this. I am seriously thinking of ending it - she is on 3-month probation with one week's notice. But she is a nice person, trying hard, and I guess this could happen with a new nanny? What do you think? If we do end it, I think I will reduce my hours so that we can afford a nanny without her own child instead.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
busyDays · 31/07/2014 16:24

Two weeks is not a very long time, especially as some of the sessions during that time have been shorter. Some children just settle much easier than others and you can never really predict how it will go. I'm a childminder so have had many new children starting with me and some have been really easy while others have cried for several weeks. For a full timer I would usually do 3 shorter settling in sessions and then give it another 4 full weeks on top of that. Some have not cried at all, some for a few days and some have been quite unsettled for most of the first month, but by the end of that month they have all been fine. So I would count this week as the first full (or almost full) week and give it another 3 full weeks.

Hopefully once the baby is a bit more settled it will be easier for her to coordinate nap times and get out more with the older one. Smile

Seb101 · 31/07/2014 17:45

I'm a nanny and was in this exact situation. Looking after 12 month old, bringing my 15 month old with me.
It took at least a month (working 3 days a week) for little girl to settle. She was very upset and unsettled for ages. Like your baby cried on and off all day. It was very hard.
But, 18 months down the line, the two girls are best friends, and it is one of the best jobs I've ever had. I'm glad we stuck it out because there were times at the beginning when I thought she'd never settle.
I'd be inclined to advice giving a bit more time. Good luck :)

Cindy34 · 31/07/2014 18:15

At this stage I would tackle the older son issue - is nanny able to plan appropriate activities for him as well as the younger children. Are they getting out of the house so he gets some exercise?

Have you used a sling with your youngest? If he is used to that, then maybe nanny could wear him a while each day? May make going out easier, one in a buggy, one in a sling and 4yr old walking?

I would give things longer to settle but I would start to tackle what plans are for 4yr old to get outdoor time each day, especially as it is Summer holidays.

Marylou62 · 31/07/2014 18:21

I think more time too. Am a nanny and children are very resilient. I also think that maybe both babies might be crying at different times so your DH could think its a lot. Just a thought. I also think it's good for a child to be bored sometimes. I was really unwell after DC3 and the older 2 (7&3) just had to get on with it...That is one of the reasons why us nannies prefer parents who are not at home much...your DH only has a snapshot of your childs upsets...does he ever see/hear the fun times? You are unlikely to do much emotional damage to your child so please take a deep breath and wait a while...changing his carer now I think will set him back...It is perfectly normal for a child to cry when they see nanny/childminder as they know/sense that you will be going out...not 'Oh my its that horrid lady again'...I have just started a new job with an 9 mth old...1st day lovely...I warned Mum that she might cry/ be reluctant to come to me next time she saw me...I was right and now we get tears most times...but getting there. Good luck.

Marylou62 · 31/07/2014 18:24

Cindy...I read it as most of the day..not all day so I think they might get out a bit...I also wonder why they don't have a double buggy..then babies can sleep whilst at park etc.

DearGirl · 31/07/2014 19:39

Its tricky because this is also the time for separation anxiety and other developmental woes - so while if she had only 1 she could spend lots of 1-on-1 time with him etc it will be harder.

While your husband has reported crying like MaryLou says it's only a snap shot - my dad boss works from home - throughout the day he probably does hear the 9 month old cry - when I tidy up breakfast, when shes put down for a nap, when I'm trying to sort lunch and she wants attention, the occasional time she falls over from cruising, when she's been told no for attacking household items she shouldn't have etc etc. However theres so much more to our day - cuddles, kisses, laughter, quiet stories on the sofa, playing etc - but its easier to pick up on the baby being distressed rather than anything else.

Have you sat down and spoken with your nanny? I take lots of photos for my boss so that they can see that even when I say we've had a bad day - teething/unsettled etc that she did smile at some things, she did get to do things like painting, playing etc.

Karoleann · 31/07/2014 20:54

I think it's too early to tell too, I think it's always more difficult as well when you're working from home. Even if I hide someone in our house the children always seem to sense I'm there.

I'd give it another couple of weeks and then see. Your 4 year old will be at school in September, so being bored during the day won't be a problem.

It also depends on whether you would just prefer to have a ore part-time nanny and be around more.

Waveney · 31/07/2014 21:41

Thank you all for your views, I really appreciate them. I think I probably need to sit down and talk this through with her.

Just to clarify I did use the sling a lot with my youngest, which may be one reason why he now cries a lot in the buggy. But I don't think our nanny could cope with him in the sling - he's over 9kg and she is petite, it would be hard work for her. We do have a double buggy but not one they could both nap in at once.

The crying definitely is DS though - I was working at home this pm and heard him.

Will see where we go from here...

OP posts:
Chloe01mum · 02/08/2014 08:08

Ask her to take loads of photos during the day. I used to nanny a child who was like this and the poor mum was tearing herself apart with guilt, after showing her the 20-30 photos I had taken on my phone (and later deleted once she seen them) she felt much better that the baby was not sat crying all day like she thought

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