CM getting older DS to look after younger one ...

[goindowntoyasgursfarm]

I have two DC at a CM and a third (4yo DS2) due to start soon with her. DS2 recently had a trial day with her, after which we asked DS1 and DD how they would feel about DS2 always being at the CM whenever they were (we were thinking they might see these few hours a week as a bit of a break from him as he can be pretty full-on!)

DD said she didn’t mind, but DS1, who’s 9, said he’d rather DS2 didn’t start with her too, because at the trial day the CM had asked him several times to look after DS2, while she was dealing with baby twins or cooking tea. They’d been in the park, for example, and he’d wanted to play football with the other 9yo but the CM had asked him to watch DS2. She did actually tell me when I picked the DC up that she’d asked DS1 to keep an eye on his brother at one point, but I assumed it was a one-off.

I don’t think this is on, as it’s not DS1’s responsibility to look after DS2, particularly when we’re paying a CM, but I want to approach it in the best way possible, not to leave any bad feeling, as we really don’t have many other options apart from putting all 3 DC with her, at least in the short term.

Any advice most gratefully received – how would you approach this?

It's a tricky one this unless you were there to observe how much "looking after" CM relied on your eldest for. I have siblings, DD5 DS18mnts. The 5yr old takes on the mother hen role with all the children, not just her sibling, and I have found this useful in the past!! Guilty as charged.

If she was asking your DS1 to watch the other one all day, the I would worry, but if it's just at crucial points, I.e nappy change, or serving dinner, then I would try refrain from saying anything.

Without sounding like I'm accusing you, I bet there are times when you have inadvertently done it yourself. It's not like you switch off if you are doing one job, it's more like having another pair of eyes on DS2 in case something were to happen.

I don't think, just from your post, this is necessarily something to be concerned about. If it happened all day everyday, that's different!

I think you've read way too much into it. Part of the appeal with childminders is that siblings and other children of different ages learn to care and play with one another.

Very often if I pop to the loo or in changing a nappy I'll say to a bigger child, 'just watch X for me please while I....' . In no way am I not doing my job for that minute or two (and I doubt even with your cm it was any more than that) but it just means I have an extra pair or eyes and ears and they learn responsibility and care for others.

I think it's a bit soon to get alarmed. Your CM may well have thought that DS1 would be pleased to be asked to keep a special eye on his little brother, and that DS2 would be reassured to have DS1 close by on his very first day in a strange place. If it was still a niggle once the novelty has worn off, say a couple of weeks after starting, I would say something lightheartedly at first "You would think DS1 would like helping to look after his brother wouldn't you, but he tells me he's fed up with always being asked to keep an eye on him!". I expect she would take that as a hint.

Thanks for the reality check, all - I do want to tread carefully so will hold off on mentioning it for now. Cheers!

if I have to quickly pop to the bathroom, change a nappy or fetch lunch, I instinctively ask the elder children to watch the toddler. It's usually less than 2 minutes but to me it's natural to ask. on the other hand, is she's asking the eldest to take a lot of time out then that's not fair on him. maybe gently probe eldest to get an idea of how often it occurs.

It really isn't a problem, I used to nanny for three children and the big boy was such a sweet and helpful child and I often asked him if he would mind playing with the baby while I ran to the bathroom ect.