Au pair crisis - advice needed

[aupairhell123]

We have had a few au pairs and the most recent one came on recommendation from her previous UK family from a few years ago.

She was great with our two boys, a little quiet around us but no more than previous Au pairs. She's from Germany but seemed to have had a lot of bad luck - cancer of the brain (as she called it), her mother died in a car crash, her sister was often in and out of hospital. We felt she was ok and possible needed some time in a happy safe home. We had great reports from other Mums locally who saw her out with our boys and other Au pairs she met at play groups.

She returned to Germany for a week for an exam leaving her room full of stuff, i-mac computer, laptop, photos etc. We then heard nothing until the night she was due home. We had a message from one of her sisters saying she was in intensive care with her brother following a car accident. Obviously shocked and worried we tried to find out more but got no response on e-mail, phone, text, whatsapp etc. A week later she contacted us and said she would be back at the weekend. We have heard nothing more from her and its now been 8 weeks……

Last week we had a message forwarded to us from her previous family in which she stated she had banged her head and could now not remember the last year and half and now in a psychiatric hospital……

Its clear now that she has some physiological problems which is sad and without sounding harsh has left us in a difficult position. Firstly she was there for childcare whilst I was at work which I have had to juggle. She has our house key which is an expensive lock that does not allow the key to be copied. Her room is full of stuff which we now want to get rid of and have no idea where we stand in regards to getting rid of it?

Can we sell it to pay for the new locks? We have sent loads of messages asking for an address to forward all her belongs to which contains a lot of personal possessions but heard nothing.

Think we have had a lucky escape but where do we now stand? Don't want her turning up in 6 months asking for her belongings back and then trying to make some kind of claim against us.

Can't you get back in touch with the sister that contacted you?

What do you mean you had a lucky escape? Don't you believe that she was in an accident?

Tried every form of contact we have with every member of her family - even tracked some down on Facebook and had nothing back from anyone.

I think that no one can be this unlucky. She claimed that her brother won gold at the 2012 olympics in the german rowing team - found her brother on Facebook, he rows but was not part of the Olympic team….

Did she come through an agency? If so could you contact them. Explain the difficulties. You need to give "notice" and then be able to move on.

(I'm like you - how can 1 family have SO many issues?)

Hmm...how about her previous employer?

I wouldn't get rid of her stuff if I were you. Can you box it and stick it in the attic? A pain but safer than getting rid I reckon.

The whole thing is likely a fantasy.

Just get someone else.

And send a letter tracked to her families house giving them 30 days to pick it up or it will be disposed of.

Then shove it in the garage.

Think you may have to hold on to the stuff for a while. Just in case she suddenly turns up. Keep anything important or expensive and maybe lose the rest.

It all sounds highly improbable.
She's had a brain tumour, lost her mum in a crash, brother (and her?) hospitalised due to another crash, sister also in hospital, and then she has been in another accident which is causing severe amnesia???? But she seems to have remembered that she works for you??

It's like the plot of a really bad book. Sounds like some serious mental health issues.
Odd that she seems to have someone else (sister?) who is involved in this.

Oh I assumed the amnesia was caused by the car crash-didn't realise it was supposed to be a separate accident...it does sound like an awful lot for one person though not entirely impossible I suppose.

We have tried to believe everything and given her the benefit of the doubt but she has been in contact with other nannies in the area that have then been in contact with me - so she is contactable but will not respond to anything we send her - we have a room full of her stuff including expensive computers - we just really need to know what to do and where we stand and want to draw a line under this experience and move on.

The fact she responds to everyone but you shows she knows she's pulling a fast one and feels too guilty to contact you. Definitely box it up and send a letter .I bet she sends someone for it.

Will be too embarassed to face you.

It's so weird that she would leave all her stuff and not make arrangements to come back for it-especially computer equipment! Did she come through an agency initially?

Pack up her stuff in boxes. And send a message via postal tracked and also online to her friends and family that she or her family have 30days to arrange collection or it's all going.

What can she do to sue you in real life? What's their to sue? Legally suing to any degree of compensation success is very expensive (even with a proper employment contract to which she has none), she's from a different country. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt she's got issues but she has family and someone responsible will step forward.

Rather than change the key could you add another lock?

I agree with the other posters here. Pack up her stuff into boxes and store wherever causes you the least hassle.

Sounds like she is in a bit of a muddle, poor girl. However, I appreciate how frustrating this is for your family on a practical level too.

I would not worry about the house key, but if you are could you add an additional type of lock like a chain or bolt?

Also presumably you should write to her via e-mail or any other contact details you have to confirm that her contract with you has ended, i.e. she does not work for you any longer and you are not going to pay her anymore. Then you can move on and hire someone else.

What have you told your children? How do they feel? If they had a good relationship with her they must miss her now.

Lucky escape I think. At least she's not playing out her psychogenic amnesia in your spare room. I would suggest contacting her directly and via her best nanny friend to say that you would like the key within 2 weeks by registered mail to another (work? ) address or you will be changing the locks and disposing of her things. As abandoned /unwanted. If you choose to sell them to do so, then I guess that's up to you.

I'm usually extremely down on people who judge how much tragedy is realistic in one persons life, as I have had a hell of a ride and have had people do that to me, which feels utterly hideous.

However this is all technicolor drama and the disappearance all sounds like psychological issues versus a reality. I think it's the type of tragedy, not a grinding miserable awfulness and a cascade of tragedy, but many discrete events all being rather vivid in nature. And the facts not quite adding up.

I do believe that some people have an unresolved trauma of some kind and then keep playing it out via different stories... But really, who knows what's going on.

Without meaning to sound unsympathetic, at least she's not a loose cannon in charge of your children. And she's back in her home country where it's probably easier for her to get help.

I wouldn't sell her stuff though, that feels a bit harsh, though I can imagine its frustrating having it cluttering up your house. I'd contact everyone and anyone who's connected to her, explaining you cannot keep her things for much longer.., what about other aupairs/contacts in the area? Previous employers/ references? Agency? Her brother if you found him on a social networking site... Basically everyone no matter how tenuous.

I'd also pack everything up and put it ready to send somewhere, so you can use the room.

Thanks for your comments.

We have tried to be sympathetic and it seems so sad as she seemed genuinely happy to be living with us and spending time with our children. It seems she has had some kind of trauma resulting in an episode of mental health problems; very sad and we wish we could help in some way.

To clarify – we got her through Au pairs World but we carried out various checks and spoke to her previous family from a few years ago, which was all positive. We chatted on Skype a number of times and had a 4-week trial period.

We have contacted every member of family, phone number, email address, address, Skype, Whatsapp, facebook page that we can identify to establish a way to contact her. It has all failed.

She initially remembered us after the accident and then after a few weeks and possible banging her head again no longer knows who we are apparently. I’m not one to be negative but I find it all a little far fetched.

We’ll probably just box up her stuff and try and squeeze it into the somewhere for a few months and accept that we lose a hundred odd quid for new locks and put this one down to experience.

If we ever go down the Au pair route again then I’m sure we’ll ask them to leave the phone and house key behind if they ever go home for a break again.

Just about the locks...have never heard of one that can't be copied. Just wanted to check it's not a Banham one where you just need to go to Banham to get copied as that would save you money!

Its a similar company to Banham, I can get copies of the key made with a code I provide them but no one else can get it copied.

Thats not the problem - she has a key to our house with her in Germany and will not respond to us or send it back. I therefore have to change the locks on the front door and these type of locks are expensive.

Sounds utter tosh....
I'd box it all up - get a quote on how much it would be to send it on and then send an email or two with the postage and your costs for the locks.

I'd also contact the CAB and check your rights. I think you need to contact and then keep things for a reasonable period (3months)

Did you say she has a phone belonging to you? Could you track down numbers she's rung? Personally, I'd cancel the contract.