Need advice from other nannies of toddlers

[Molly1990]

Hi all

looking for the advice of some more experienced nannies on how to handle tantrums that my two year old charge has on a daily basis! Please share your secrets with me!

What sets him/her off? Try to anticipate the tantrum and stop before it happens. Eg one of my mindees had tantrums over putting shoes on so I totally changed routine of putting shoes on and we have races or sing silly songs to distract him. If all fails and he ends up screaming I ignore him and pick up a story book and start reading aloud (very animated) and his natural curiosity means he can't keep away and he can't hear the story if he's yelling! It's very wearing and you need shed loads of patience but once the vocabulary and maturity kick in the phase lessens!

It depends on the child.

Your best bet, as kathryn says, is to try and anticipate the tantrum, but it can be difficult and it does take time to work out what sets them off, when the behaviour is occurring and any other possible triggers (illness, siblings, etc). So take your time, don't be downhearted by it in the meantime.

I had a charge who needed to be completely removed from the situation he was in to calm down. The family had a naughty corner so when he was getting really het up about something he'd be put there for a couple of minutes until he'd calmed down. It really worked for him as he'd get more and more agitated if you sat with him. It didn't work for his siblings though, they'd get really upset being put there and needed you to sit them down and talk gently to them.

I didn't really like the naughty corner towards the end of the job though as he had to be put there more often and it was his only way of being to calm himself down, I don't think I'd be comfortable using it again regularly. I also didn't like it being called the naughty corner, but some aren't phased.

Some of my charges have been hold firmly and cuddle/speak softly types, some I just had to ignore, etc. Speak to the parents and find out how they would prefer you to handle it.

I have always used a thinking step/spot/corner rather than a naughty one and always tell families at interview this (if we need to use one at all that is what it will be called) as that is what they are meant to be doing while their.

Can you give him a space in his room where he has a bean bag or big pillow where he can go if upset or as he gets older can take himself there when feeling cross etc.

Also give him two choices for things you know will set him off so he feels in control. For example if needs to put shoes on let him choose from two pairs of suitable shoes so he is in control but still does what you need him to do.

My charge is 19 months old and will more often than not have a hissy fit if he can't get his own way. If it's a case of getting dressed or shoes on then I get 2 pairs out for him to chose.
If he's just in a grump because I've told him not to hit me or rip a book for eg he will be removed to a beanbag in the dining room to calm down which works well for us. He is also one that will get more and more angry the longer you try to calm him with cuddles.
When we first started with bean bag then it could take half hr for him to calm so if do what previous post suggested with a story or song really loud so he'll have to stop crying.

Yes I find choices/distractions eg if you gotta head upstairs to bath & you anticipate a drama say "we are going upstairs in 1min" then "we are going upstairs, do you want to bring dolly or does teddy want to join you" the child feels in control and the issue of heading upstairs or not is bypassed

Oh, always give choices if you know that some situations where you are in control causes a meltdown. So like donkir said, show two of an item (never more, they start dithering and changing minds with too much choice) and offer one or the other, let them choose and make a bit of a thing about it.

My older charge with ASD loves rhymes and singing, so I use that to get her to choose between two items. Before she used to get frustrated that a pair of school socks were handed to her and would run off every time she was asked to put them on and/or have massive tantrums, the same happened with nappies, now she sings along and will choose a colour/pattern and put it on with a little encouragement.

My 18mo charge I distract mostly, or ignore, walk off and start doing the whole "Oh wow! What is this amazing thing Toy1?! Oh fantastic! Etc etc" and she quickly gets bored and comes to find out what me and her toys are up to!

Lots and lots of energy on your part.

Some kids are more high-strung than others and will melt down a lot, but if you can figure out the specifics to your charge (what sets him off, what calms him down, what kind of language is un/successful) that's really important. For example, my charge has never thrown a tantrum when he's with me but will lose his mind when his parents are around; I have a lot of experience predicting when a situation is about to go awry and will inject my own energetic presence to prevent the meltdown. I also don't engage in the tantrum and if his parents leave he immediately recovers and we go back to our activity. If they stay, he just keeps going and going as they try to coax him into feeling better (not wise IMO). On the other side, a friend of mine has a charge who will let the tears, screams, and flailing start the minute you say "Jackson, remember you need to share" - which she (for whatever reason) continues to repeat to him. Also not wise. I've discovered during our charge's play dates together that if I say instead, "Jackson, Avery just wants to see your toy cars too - he doesn't want to take them. Could you choose one to let him play with please?" that he will happily share and continue on with the game with no upset. Something about the word "share" sets him off so I speak around it and we have really cut back on the meltdowns.

So...again. Energy, energy, energy. Practice, prevention, distraction, and as much responsibility and control as is age-appropriate. Also I absolutely agree that choices are great but only offer two! And if he waffles and is taking his time dragging it out, make the choice for him (and when he immediately says, "No! The other one!" just say okay and go with his choice).

Thanks for advice everyone! A few new strategies to try :) I find the causes tend to be moving from one activity to the next e.g. leaving playground. I have done time warnings and 'one last go on this' but often the tantrum will still happen! Time out can work but I think he's too young to really understand it. The reading allowed from a story sounds like it could work, will give it a try next time.