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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

I'm a bit miffed about this - ok, it's actually a bit of a rant...

41 replies

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 12:39

We have had a nanny for 3 years for ds, since he was about a month old. When I got pregnant with this baby, she said she was not interested in caring for more than one and dh (WAHD) said he would care for the little one as he really likes and trusts this nanny and didn't want to go through looking for another one. I, however, wouldn't mind finding a new nanny and introducing her to ds in advance of the new baby while phasing out the other one.

Flash forward to this past Thursday. I get a call from the nanny saying first, that she wanted to let me know she is planning a winter vacation. Since I am due December 4th, my first thought was, "Well, not the best of timing, but I'm sure we can work around it" However, all I said was, "OK" and waited for more details. When the details came out though, I couldn't even speak. She has bought a one-way ticket to the Virgin Islands for January 8th and doesn't know when or even if she will be coming back. She's divorced, grown children, and on the one hand, I admire her for being adventurous. On the other hand, I am furious about the timing. It is right in the middle of my maternity leave. I only get 8 weeks and will be recovering from a c-section, so I was counting on having all the extra help I could get.

So, now I have to somehow manage to introduce ds to his new baby brother, help him cope with the (possibly permanent) absence of his nanny, and deal with everything else that comes with a newborn. Dh is still staying firm that he doesn't want a new nanny and that it will work out. I'm furious with him and her over this now. My feeling is, if you're going to pull a stunt like this, shouldn't the date be a bit flexible? She didn't mention anything about it until after she bought the ticket!

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Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 16:11

Yes, I think dh is in la-la land to think he can handle this. He's not that great at doing it when it's just ds.

Callaird, I really appreciate your input from a nanny perspective. I've been so upset about this, it's difficult to know if my perception has been skewed by my hormones.

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Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 16:13

Oh, and thewoman...hat, it's really hard to say what's she's done re: notice. From the way she phrased it, I got the feeling that she might be expecting to come back if she decided a life in the islands wasn't for her. Quote "I may stay a month or I may not come back at all. That's why I bought a one-way ticket".

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TenaLady · 10/09/2006 16:13

Had a quick look at this thread and I would say she was looking for a get out. She obviously isnt happy with the forthcoming event and doesnt want to be a part of it, so what better thing to do than book a one way flight giving you no option but to say goodbye. Poor you, Hope you get sorted, loads of mums on here with loads of kids and dont have Nannies Im sure they will give you support if you cant sort another reliable Nanny out. Good luck though,.

harpsichordcarrier · 10/09/2006 16:18

I don't think it is unreasonable for a nanny to say that she doesn't want to look after a newborn either.
I know it is difficult to find the right childcare and a worry for your son to lose an important person in his life but, let's face it, you were going to get rid of her pretty soon anyway so she has just brought the moment forward to a time within her choosing. I don't think you can blame her for that either

ProfYaffle · 10/09/2006 16:18

I don't think there would be a problem with giving her notice from a legal point of view. As she's unable to tell you when or if she will be back that is frustration of contract ie she is unable to fulfil her contract of employment

roisin · 10/09/2006 16:34

I think it's unfair, unreasonable, and possibly illegal for you to give her her notice now.

After all she could have quite legitimately not given you any advance warning, and just given you a month's notice on December 8th. I think telling you now was her way of doing you a favour, so you have time to plan and make arrangements. Giving her a month's notice now would be a real kick in the teeth, especially after 3 yrs of service. And on what grounds would you be giving her notice? Her telling you she can't do the job from Jan 8th is not affecting her ability to do the job now.

Bluebear · 10/09/2006 16:36

I agree with all the others - Your dh is going to 'lose' this nanny from Jan anyway - he's just going to have to accept that you will have a new nanny in your lives, and the sooner you recruit him/her the sooner everyone can get used to each other.
I would give current nanny notice as soon as I had found a replacement, citing changes in job description (ie. you need a nanny who will look after 2 children not 1).

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/09/2006 16:53

hmmm, sounds to me like you need to ask her to clarify. when she said "i may come back" did she mean back to the US? or back to this job? obviously if she meant the latter then she is totally taking the piss - to the extent that it never occured to me that that might be what she meant! I had assumed that she was giving you advance warning that she was resigning, in which case it might not be totally straight forward to give her notice that kicked in ahead of her resignation - for the reasons in my other post. (though I don;t know this for sure, just think it's worth checking) If she's not resigning then she's asking for extended indefinite leave - a request you can refuse - passing the ball back to her - she either resigns, reneges on her contract (in which case, yes, you can get rid,) or doesn't go. It's actually quite complicated because of baby 2. I really don;t think your dh's idea of keeping her on to look after ds while he simultaneously looks after new baby and works from home is remotely tenable. whose responsibility is the laundry? are two people really going to simultaneously make breakfast? and when exactly is he going to get any work done. the best solution is definitely a new nanny for both kids. DS will miss current nanny but he'll get over it. mine have had 3 nannies - for reasons beyond my control - and each change has really not been so bad.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/09/2006 16:54

that sentence "it's actually quite complicated...." wasn't meant to be there...

chipmonkey · 10/09/2006 17:01

Jabberwocky, just wanted to add my sympathies! Does she expect you to keep the job open for her while she loafs around on the Virgin Islands? I would look for a new nanny right away. Even if the current nanny is very good, it's madness for her to expect that she should stay on and mind one child only when you have two! Our ds's have always been in creches and when ds1's creche told me when I was pg with ds2 that they wouldn't be taking any children under 12 months I found a new creche straight away. I find it difficult enough to have one drop-off in a morning, never mind two!

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 18:25

Hey there, chipmonkey! I have talked to dh again about looking for someone right away. You're all right about that. It really is the only reasonable solution. Ds and I have both had terrible colds the last few days and I have just tried not to think about it until I felt better. Now that I have, dh and I have had two big arguments just today and i'm so hormonal I've started crying both times (I really hate it when that happens). It's just too bad, because this pregnancy had been going really well and I had visions of things being so much better while I was off with this baby as opposed to everything that went on with ds (another story there). I know life has its bumps and hurdles, though.

Where's that big sigh emoticon when you need it?

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Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 18:28

Oh, and I forgot to add cm, that there's a bit of an appearance that she might expect to come back. She mentioned to dh the name of someone we know who had said "Oh, that's our slow season, so I could fill in." Even though the 3rd party is a friend of ours, she has no experience looking after children professionally, nor does she have children of her own and it's a totally unacceptable proposition, imo.

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AngelaChill · 10/09/2006 19:35

I agree with the others, give her a months notice and be done with it. You need reliable childcare at the best of times but especially now.

madchad · 15/09/2006 00:43

Jabberwocky,
Firstly I think thewomanthat etc is dead right about the redundancy aspect, do check that.You would have to pay redundancy pay.
I also assume that if she is such a good nanny , you would be able to talk through this with her.
Perhaps she feels she can't abandon you exactly at the birth and is actually staying on longer than she'd wanted to, given that she's not keen on a newborn.
If she is taking long hols, perhaps some of them would be working out her notice?
I'm baffled by anyone who can leave a job and 'perhaps' return. In my work, people accept that the job is then gone, but if there is a vacancy when they return thay may be lucky.
We had a nanny who gave notice the week that DD3 arrived-nice touch-a pain, but the new one is so fab so worth the grief at the time.
BTW, I have only had 8 weeks Mat leave too (on full pay, couldn't afford to be off longer), you're not alone!

arfishymeau · 15/09/2006 02:02

I would look for your new nanny now. Have her in place and bonded with DS before you have the new baby. This will make the time much less stressful for everybody, and especially your DS who will be having his world turned upside down.

Your nanny has been great by giving you such advance warning. Of course, it's not ideal for you, but she hasn't been a bad person about it or really left you in the lurch. So don't hate her for moving on!

She will be useful in helping you recruit a new nanny and the settling in phase - the relationship between my nanny and DD is different to mine and DD's, so she will be able give the new nanny pointers that will help her and DD bond quickly.

You can also spend this time drawing up new contracts and thinking about the new nanny's role with 2 to care for. It will also give the nanny time to settle in with you and DS before things get too hectic.

I think this the best thing that could have happened really and your nanny was very honest to let you know now that she doesn't want to look after 2, rather than trying it for a month and leaving you in the lurch.

Good luck with your search and new baby. How exciting

knakered · 18/09/2006 23:41

when i went on Materenity leave to have number 4, I got rid of my nanny because I would be at home to look after the children myself...I am really glad I did as I think that those early weeks are private and special family bonding time...the last thing I wanted was someone (admittedly I didnt like so much) drifting around the house when i was up at night/breastfeeding/bleeding/hardly dressed etc...i needed my personal privacy more than I needed her help...I also loved watching the other children interact with the new baby and we did this as a family...I did get someone to come and do a few hours cleaning every now and again and neighbours took the other children off for a couple of hours evey now and then...but you have your husband at home so you will haev a nice time I treasure those precious private family bonding moments....also the potential early arrangment was bizarre...how could 2 siblings be looked after sepaartely?...would they not be able to play together? ...I think you do need to get some perspective...once you have new one on board...you wont look back and will realise that things have worked out for the best...dont panic...you'll all be fine

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