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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

I'm a bit miffed about this - ok, it's actually a bit of a rant...

41 replies

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 12:39

We have had a nanny for 3 years for ds, since he was about a month old. When I got pregnant with this baby, she said she was not interested in caring for more than one and dh (WAHD) said he would care for the little one as he really likes and trusts this nanny and didn't want to go through looking for another one. I, however, wouldn't mind finding a new nanny and introducing her to ds in advance of the new baby while phasing out the other one.

Flash forward to this past Thursday. I get a call from the nanny saying first, that she wanted to let me know she is planning a winter vacation. Since I am due December 4th, my first thought was, "Well, not the best of timing, but I'm sure we can work around it" However, all I said was, "OK" and waited for more details. When the details came out though, I couldn't even speak. She has bought a one-way ticket to the Virgin Islands for January 8th and doesn't know when or even if she will be coming back. She's divorced, grown children, and on the one hand, I admire her for being adventurous. On the other hand, I am furious about the timing. It is right in the middle of my maternity leave. I only get 8 weeks and will be recovering from a c-section, so I was counting on having all the extra help I could get.

So, now I have to somehow manage to introduce ds to his new baby brother, help him cope with the (possibly permanent) absence of his nanny, and deal with everything else that comes with a newborn. Dh is still staying firm that he doesn't want a new nanny and that it will work out. I'm furious with him and her over this now. My feeling is, if you're going to pull a stunt like this, shouldn't the date be a bit flexible? She didn't mention anything about it until after she bought the ticket!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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belgo · 10/09/2006 13:01

In her defense: She has given you several months notice. She has also given you 3 years loyal service. She is leaving 5 weeks after the birth, so will she still be working up until that time?

Saturn74 · 10/09/2006 13:02

No experience of this, as I've never had nannies or CM for my children. It sounds like you're furious and quite stressed, which is obviously not great whilst pregnant. Perhaps now is the time to start interviewing new nannies who are prepared to look after two children? As I say, I've no experience of having a nanny, but wouldn't it be odd for her to look after one of your children, but not the other, especially as the youngest gets older. It just seems a bit complicated to me. Anyway, bumping this in the hope someone with more experience of this situation can help .

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 13:24

Yes, I realize that she has given us several months notice and I give her due credit for that. But, she does want to work up until that date, so even if dh agrees to get a new nanny - which is a major sticking point - I still have a major upheaval 3 weeks after I give birth. Actually, I have a major upheaval at that time, in addition to the newborn of course, whether we get another nanny or not.

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SpaceCadet · 10/09/2006 13:27

its a long time since i had a cm, never had a nanny, but if i were in your shoes, i would personally start advertising for potential nannies now

Katymac · 10/09/2006 13:29

You might just find someone else and give her a months notice.

I think that is what I would do.

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 13:35

I really like that idea. It would give us much more time to make the transition.

Dh may be more inclined to go along with that as I just had a major pregnant/hormonal blow-up at him over this. I guess starting this thread got me a little agitated.

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wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 10/09/2006 14:37

LOL if he can look after the baby why cant he look after the two of them . Is your nanny off work over the xmas holiday as in from the 24th th December ?

Twiglett · 10/09/2006 14:41

um she's given you over 3 months notice .. you don't own her you know

think you need to take a deep, a very deep breath

WideWebWitch · 10/09/2006 14:45

Get a new nanny NOW and give her notice. That's what I'd do. It's enough time to get your ds used to someone new and you could do with someone who is up for looking after 2 children, why should your dh/you have to do it? You will want the help and so that's what I'd do in your position.

WideWebWitch · 10/09/2006 14:47

And I know she's given you 3 months but she has given permanent notice if she's bought a one way ticket and the timing's rubbish from your pov. I prob wouldn't have any hard feelings about it, people do move on but you can actually get a good result out of this: a nanny who will look after two and be able to help while you're recovering. So I'd almost say this is a good thing!

WideWebWitch · 10/09/2006 14:49

Just re read your recent post, it's not up to her, so what if she wants to work up until December, maybe you could have accommodated it if you weren't pregnant but given that you are, well, I would give her 1 month notice now and find someone else. That's plenty of time for your eldest to get used to someone new before a new sibling.

edam · 10/09/2006 15:17

Agree with WWW, give her her notice and start recruiting. You aren't obliged to keep her on until it is convenient for her.

Katymac · 10/09/2006 15:26

I might wait until I have found someone before giving her notice myself.....

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 15:27

Thanks, WWW and edam. I'm glad most of you can see my point about the timing. That's really been my only problem about the notice thing. And, yes, Twiglett, I do realize that I don't own her!

I have been telling dh all along that I don't see how on earth it was going to work with her only agreeing to look after one of the children. Seemed a ridiculous situation all the way around. I had wanted to hire a new nanny and phase her in well in advance, but dh has been uncooperative about that.

When she gave notice, I did think, overall that its a good thing, just, again, the timing of it all...

OP posts:

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 15:29

it's (did one of my own pet peeves )

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harpsichordcarrier · 10/09/2006 15:34

tbh I don't think you have any cause to be furious with her. she has given you plenty of notice and in her shoes I would be thinking the fact that it is in the middle of your mat leave is probably pretty convenient for you as you will be at home and so wil your dh.
No, I wouldn't expect an employee to consult me about when they were due to leave or to change their plans to suit me although I would expect plenty of notice, which she has given you (prob more than her contract I expect). After all, you were intending to "phase her out...." so she is not exactly indispensible as you were planning to do without her, right?

Twiglett · 10/09/2006 15:35

I'm sorry I forgot to 1) read the thread first and 2) watch the way I phrased my posts to a pregnant woman .. I do understand the anxiety and think you've had good advice albeit not from me

serenity · 10/09/2006 15:36

Why are you only getting 8 weeks maternity leave? That sucks, where do you live (can't be Uk surely)

Re nanny thing - agree with the others look for a new Nanny now, and give old Nanny notice at your convienience.

edam · 10/09/2006 15:36

Yeah, the idea that a nanny can say 'I don't want to look after two' but expect to keep her job when the second child is born is frankly weird. She's more trouble than she's worth, tbh, think you are well out of it. Even though she's been great so far, the 'only looking after one' thing was never going to work.

But find yourself a new nanny before you give her notice.

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 15:48

Actually, hp, ds had rejected my idea of phasing her out because he adores this nanny and didn't want ds to have to get used to a new one. So we were bending over backwards to try to accomodate her wishes of just looking after ds.

Yep, just 8 weeks. I'm in the US.

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thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/09/2006 15:50

I can see why this causes you stress but I don;t think she can be blamed for this - even the timing. No it's not ideal, but everyone is within their rights to give notice and leave their job whenever. And she seems to have given you more notice than she's contractually obliged to. I do agree that the best thing to do is try to find a replacement who can start earlier and give her notice. However if I were you I would check where you stand legally on this. Because you are replacing her you're not making her redundant. You need to check that not being able to stay in post beyond a certain time is solid legal grounds for giving her notice. (and no-one jump on me, I am not saying anything about the rights and wrongs of giving her notice, I'm just saying it's definitely worth checking the legal/contractual constraints). One way round any legal difficulty would be to change the job substantially (which, once baby 2 comes along, you will do anyway). By changing the job description what you are effectively doing is making one position redundant and creating a new one. (this is how we and my ex-nanny departed - she wanted to be made redundant, rather than leave. I was able to say this was the case because the new nanny job had different hours and included cleaning)

Original poster

jabberwocky · 10/09/2006 15:53

oops, dh not ds!

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callaird · 10/09/2006 15:53

I'm sorry to disagree with some of you, but I am a nanny and have been for 20 years, I would never say I didn't want to look after a newborn sibling, I would just hand in my notice and move on, like I have in previous jobs where the situation changed and I was not comfortable with that change. And if I was to tell any of my employers that I wanted time off in a few months time and wasn't sure if I was coming back, I would expect to be handed my notice (once they had found someone new of course!) Your nanny is behaving appallingly, imo.

I would start looking for a replacement now and give her notice once you have found someone suitable (bear in mind that that could take some time) Hopefully you will have plenty of time for your son to adjust and get to know her before the baby comes!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/09/2006 15:55

I'm assuming she has handed in her notice. I didn't read it as she wanted an indefinite amount of time off.

annh · 10/09/2006 15:59

I would also give her notice, not because she has chosen to go on holiday during your maternity leave because she HAS given you plenty of notice although it is somewhat underhand of her to book the ticket first and then announce her plans to you. How many of us would get away with doing that at work?! I want to take two days off in October but am waiting to speak to my boss tomorrow as it potentially might clash with an event we are running. I can just imagine the reaction if I swanned in and announced I had booked flights!

I think the more important point is that she doesn't know WHEN or IF she will be coming back! Who does she think will look after your ds1 when you presumably go back to work a few weeks later? Is she thinking that because your dh works from home he will just cope with two rather than one? I also think that your dh is deluding himself that he can work and look after a baby but thats probably another topic!

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