AuPair - help, I'm worried and don't know what to do...

[icanneverremember]

Hi all,

We are on our second ap. Our first was perfect, we loved her and still talk with her on Skype when we can.

Our second is very different. She's a nice girl but I have some concerns with how well she's watching the children. These are some of our issues and how I have gone about solving them.

On two separate occasions we discovered that some dog mess in the garden had been disturbed. When I inspected ds (2) I found that his feet, socks and trousers had dog mess on and he had been running around like that all day (tmi but I could tell that the mess had been disturbed a long time ago by its appearance). We have since told her that she must supervise ds ALL THE TIME when outside. We also clear up after the dog before we leave the house every time. My concern with this isn't necessarily the incident, as disgusting as it is, but the fact that she hadn't even realised - where was she??

She leaves ds (2) in front of the tv for literally hours on end while she sits with her phone texting. I know set them up with an activity and tudn the tv off before I go out. I also detail activities for her to do with dc.

When she went to bed at about 9pm one night she gave ds (6) a sweet and told him it was a secret. She also gave ds (2) a sweet when I was stood right there and had told him he couldn't have any more. This isn't a major issue but the fact she told ds (6) that it was a secret really bothers me. I haven't addressed this as I'm not sure how to articulate it given the language barrier.

I have now been approachedby a friend and neighbour who is also a teacher at school. She said she was worried that she's not watching dc in the school run as closely as she should. Ds (6) apparently had a nasty fall off his bike. AP was so far ahead that she was no where to be seen. My neighbour sent her son to fetch her back whereupon she said to ds. Ok, up you get, come on. There was no affection or checking for injury. There was no expression of thanks to my neighbour.

All of these are small issues but together are making me concerned there may well be safe gaurding issues.

What should I do? Am I worrying unecessarily or not enough?

FWIW, I am going part time in January and we will be dispensing with having an AP all together.
Perhaps I could put some intermediate things in place such as stopping her from doing the school run?

She's a nice girl, just easily distracted. I trust her to watch dc under normal circumstances but not when extra vigilence is required (like on the school run or with a paddling pool)

WWYD?

She sounds quite negligent to me. I would be having serious words andd giving her two weeks to improve or she's out.

I've never had an au pair but I have worked as one, many years ago.

Your AP doesn't sound very clued up about childcare. It is fairly basic for her to make sure your child doesn't get dirty when out playing - she should really clear up after the dog if it poos outside.

As far as the bike accident is concerned - this would worry me a great deal. She should be supervising the little boy constantly whilst he is cycling.

She sounds rather immature and inexperienced. I do think you need to communicate to her that you don't want your child to keep secrets from his parents and emphasise that, whilst you obviously know she will not abuse him, children need to know that they don't have to keep secrets for their own protection.

January is rather far away - I would have a meeting with her and express your concerns. If your comments about safety etc don't hit home, then I would suggest you give her notice.

i would be very unhappy. don't know how i'd go about it but i'd want her out.

Thanks for your replies, it's good to know IANBU.

Our option is to ask her to leave and see if our old nanny can cover the hours. She was fantastic and we'd really love to have her back. I might take the coward's option and make up an excuse for asking her to leave. Any good suggestions...?

Trust your instincts.

Tell her your circumstances have changed and you've had a rethink.

Tell her the truth.

I would have a no mobile phone rule whilst at home looking after your kids. Emergency contact with her nearest and dearest should be via an incoming call. And I would talk through scenario type questions to help her. She is probably very inexperienced.

Via an incoming call on landline

These are not small things, you are right to feel concerned. Do you have any friends or friends of friends who speak your au pair's language and sit down together and set the boundaries firmly. Enough is enough. I would start looking around for another in the meantime if she doesn't smarten up. Fortunately my son went to Kate Greenaway nursery and it was a great start for us all. I preferred him being around children and other adults as opposed to just the one. All the best.

I don't think these are small things either. I would also think it's better to just say it's not working out and cut your losses. You won't change her.

I think the fact that your friend has approached you about her negligence speaks volumes. IME, people normally only do that if there is real cause for concern.

The 2 year old playing in the garden unsupervised, AP failing to notice child covered in dog poo ( how does that happen? doesn't it stink?) failing to notice older child getting hurt... her job is to look after these children, that's all she has to do, and she isn't doing it.

I'd just tell her she isn't doing her job, and you don't feel that your children are safe with her.

In fact, thinking about it, in your shoes I don't think I would leave her with my children again - there's too much that could go wrong.

Hope your old nanny can help out.

Hi everyone, thanks again for your advice.

I spoke to her yesterday about the bicycle incident. I made it clear that the children must be with her or slightly in front of her at all times. I asked her if she had any difficulties or issues with that and she said no. She looked very shocked and could clearly tell she was having "a talking to".

She has already booked a flight home for the start of August (for a visit) and I'm currently working out if we can afford to have our lovely nanny back at that time (fingers crossed she's available!) and ask our AP not to return.

I do feel bad though. It's easy to think I'll just tell it to her straight but then when I see her I feel awful because she is a nice girl who would be quite crushed to know what we think of her. Although she loves children (and it's plain to see that's true) they have no involvment in her future career plans. To that end I don't think she'd particularly benefit from constructive criticism. She's a nice girl, just easily distracted and I don't feel entirely comfortable with her looking after my children. For that reason she needs to go but I don't think she'd benefit from the truth.

Right, I need to go and look at our finances! Thanks again, particularly the bit about asking friends to translate - I had forgotten that my cousin speaks her language fluently and might be very useful.

Apps generally look after older children ie at school so 5+

And work 20/25hrs a week ie 4/5hrs a day 7/9 and 3/6

You say 2yr is in front of tv for hours

What hours does she work?

Sounds to me you are using her as a nanny (cheap childcare) and as your youngest is 2 - you need a proper nanny who has the common sense to look after a child that age

Dog poo - not the aps job to clear it up so maybe you and dh need double check the garden

Obv dogs do poo and maybe you need a section of garden where dog poos and children don't play

Bike incident would scare me. She needs to be with him but I would also expect a 6yr to know to cycle so far and wait for her

Actuallymy 6 year old does know exactly where he can cycle to and stop. The point was that she left him behind. And without noticing she'd even done so. It concerns me all the more that he was left behind because he is always ahead and stops at his designated stopping points. It makes me wonder about the circumstances that led to him being left behind in the first place.

The dog poo - we do clear it up but obviously she sometimes goes when we're out. I would never expect her to clear up after the dog so we have had to spell it out to her that ds cannot play outside if the dog has messed.

With regard to our ds's age and her hours - Her longest day is 4 hours and her shortest is 2. I work shifts. Ds has apparently been leftin front of the tv for all of those 4 hours on more than one occasion hence "hours on end". Current guidelines state that an AP is not recommended for under 2s. Our ds is 2 and a half. I resent the notion that we're after cheap childcare. We have an AP because I work shifts. She actually works out slightly more expensive than our nanny when you account for extra food and bills.

I don't think she she'd particularly benefit from constructive criticism

It isn't for her benefit. Its for the benefit if your kids - or maybe someone else's if you get rid if her and she goes elsewhere.

If I thought someone was neglecting my kids like this? She would be on the next plane home.

starfish I didn't explain that very well. Yes, when there is something she needs to improve for the safety of the kids, she absolutely needs to be told, hence my conversation with her yesterday about thr bike. You have all helped me to make the decision that I want her to go but I think it would be unhelpful to have a parting conversation with her where I point out everything she has done wrong.

If something needs to change, we have told her. Like the school run and close supervision of ds when outside. When it comes to giving her a reason for leaving I think it's kinder and easier to just say that we don't need an ap any more rather than tell her we don't feel we can trust her.

It's just good to know that no one thinks I'm over reacting, it helps to make it sure in my mind of our decision.

you have lost faith in her, and fair enough, so yes get rid

children safety esp on roads etc is fundement

and if you dont want your 2yr to watch tv all day then tell her no more then 30/60mins aday