Nanny relationship with older charges

[Mollite]

What would you consider a good nanny/charge relationship? To what extent is a good relationship necessary with a 11 year old as long as they get on well enough.

Would it bother you if child did not want nanny to come to things such as the school play and did not like them working extra hours?

Would it be reasonable for the nanny to be upset about this?

Maybe the 11 year old is embarrassed about having a nanny. My own children have always wanted to be independent at that age, so maybe they don't like their peers thinking they are 'babyish' which of course their not/can't be left alone etc. but just thinking about it from child's point of view.
Are you or child's daddy watching the school play too?
The extra hours , again maybe they want to be with you.
If the nanny child relationship is otherwise good I wouldn't worry.
As far as the nanny being upset, as a nanny myself I'm sure she/he will understand.

I would try to get to the bottom of why the 11 year old feels like this.

It could be the child's attitude as florence says, or it could be a problem with that specific nanny. Hard to tell which unless you ask more questions.

I am thinking back to when I was that age - I had three different nannies in a space of a few years from 11 onwards - there was one I loved, one I liked and one I really disliked. I can't remember now why I disliked her, but my mum has said that with hindsight she wasn't great, didn't really like children, was pretty harsh with us etc.

However if the nanny is genuinely upset about the child not wanting them around, that indicates to me they are a good nanny! or at least, that they like the child and want to have a good relationship with them. So in that case, it's probably more about the child than the nanny iyswim.

Do you mean the child doesn't want the nanny coming to the school play in place of parents or as well as parents?

I've found as my charges have got older they're less happy for me to watch plays etc. instead of their parents. Given the choice of me or no-one though, they'd rather I come so it's not really not wanting me as much as it's wanting mum/dad.

It's the same thing with working extra hours. The little ones just accept it because they don't know any different. They don't understand mummy days/nanny days. The older ones are annoyed their parents aren't home. They want to know where they're going and why and when they're due back etc.

As a nanny it is a little upsetting sometimes, it's horrible to be the bad guy all the time! I think that's reasonable. If the nanny is inconsolable about it, that's an overreaction.

I'm comforted by how happy they are to see me in the morning/after I've been away for a while. If they were unhappy then as well, that would be concerning I think.

Hi thanks for all of your replies and sorry it wasn't clear that I am the nanny. Yes both parents are going to the play and would completely understand her not wanting me in place of parents.

I have asked parents and they've told me that everything is ok and sometimes kids say things

I think parents do think I'm silly to ask but feel it must represent some kind of problem which I can't do anything about

My child likes to compartmentalise occasions and have clear lines between mummy time and nanny time. He really doesn't like it when I try and mix the two, except for a previous nanny who was more part of the family.

I think it must be hard as a nanny as in reality, you're always second in line. Good nannies really get that and don't feel snubbed or in competition for affection etc, and are happy to generally muck in.

I say this as the worst nanny I've trialled (didn't get as far as hiring permanently) was very sensitive about her feelings and everything revolved around her, to the extreme where she put her own feelings above a preschooler's, and interpreted everything through the lens of 'he did that to upset me/ be rude to me/ be mean to me' and complained that my Four year old was with holding affection just to upset her! That was very odd indeed and I'm assuming you're not doing that :)

Though if the child really doesn't like the time he spends with you, maybe it is more than just wanting his parents more? Are you stricter with him, or are the parents very indulgent? Or does he feel babied by you/ your presence in some way? Or overlooked as the littler ones need more attention?

Anyway, I wouldnt worry too much and either carry on as you are, or just tweak your daily routine to include little gestures to make him feel grown up / special.

It may be that she doesn't like me coming as well and just wants her family (definitely old nanny was more part of the family and they were younger then).

Parents have asked me to go though and I'm not sure what to do now as would only have been going for her but if she is happier with me not going maybe I shouldn't

Aw, I do feel for you, it's not nice to feel unwanted.

However my guess is the 11 year old is just wanting to be the same as her mates - who have probably got just parents and not nannies coming. She might just feel embarrassed about having a nanny come too. As I recall 11 is an age where you feel really oversensitive about anything "different". Doesn't mean she doesn't like you.