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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

When is it enough? Au pair advice needed :(

20 replies

Emily823 · 19/06/2014 07:24

I'm currently working for family in a culture different from my own. This is my first time as an Au pair and their first time hosting. It's been about a month a half. I have travelled a lot in my short life and consider myself to be tough when it comes to these types of things, but I feel like this getting to be too much.
The family originally said I would help with "some cooking and cleaning" but getting here I soon realize they want me to make 3 meals per day and mop and clean all of the furniture (also daily). Not so bad I guess. But their cuisine is very different than my country's and when I make an attempt they tell me it's bad. When I make my country's food it's also bad.
They only have one daughter but she does not speak any English and does not care to learn. Yet I am expected to give her 2 full lessons each day. But she can't understand? She also is very spoiled and throws tantrums multiple times per day. But most kids throw trantrums right?
The mom has told me multiple times that I am not beautiful. I've never had self esteem issues but I can't imagine how someone would handle this if they did! I had to go to the hospital at one point (which they were very helpful with thankfully) but afterwards they told me I was a baby for being scared, and their 5 year old was better than me. They have also already changed the day of the month I get paid from our original agreement (from 1st of the month to the 15th) but it's not that big of a deal so I said okay.
I could go on but I feel like this is already a lot... Am I just homesick? I've dealt with culture shock and host families numerous times before but I've never felt targeted so much like this.
When do I stop using cultural differences as an excuse?
I feel like if I try talking with them I will just offend them and make things worse for myself.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Raskova · 19/06/2014 07:27

How you feel, Is how you feel.

Regardless of cultural differences, being homesick etc. you are not happy and should not accept any excuse for this.

You need to move on.

TakingTheStairs · 19/06/2014 07:29

That's awful and bullying. If it was a regular office job you wouldn't put up with that. I'd leave. And I'd also tell them why

PixieofCatan · 19/06/2014 07:33

Leave. They are nasty by the sounds of it and really not worth talking too. You've just been paid, so leave and find a new family, can you stay in a hostel in a near city and find a replacement job?

mrswishywashy · 19/06/2014 07:34

You can't excuse rudeness, no culture allows that! They sound bullying and unfair and I'd be looking for another position ASAP. Make sure you have somewhere to stay between handing notice and starting new job and if possible do so straight after pay day they sound like the type of people who will kick you out on street and not pay you.

Emily823 · 19/06/2014 07:45

Unfortunately in this country (in Asia) there are not many opportunities for au pairs and nannies. My option would most likely to be fly back home. Which I'm okay with, but I'd also feel like I have failed. At the same time, I shouldn't force myself to deal with this if it's just not right? Would it be wrong for me to tell them were just not a good match? They also paid part of my travel expenses. What if they ask for it back?
I guess I'm worried that leaving this family would be a drastic solution to the problem. But it seems like the only one? How often to au pairs and families not work out?

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 19/06/2014 07:48

Leave. They want a servant not an au pair.

PixieofCatan · 19/06/2014 07:57

What country are you in? Are there volunteer opportunities or small jobs nearby? Have a look on sites like this:
www.workaway.info/

For other opportunities. Staying in hostels (assuming you have some money) will enable you to meet people who could give you a heads up about jobs.

Life is too short to stay with people who routinely belittle you and make you feel like shit, seriously. Leaving really is the best option.

Just tell them it's not working out and you'll be leaving on X date (a week or two form now). Do not give them any room to convince you to stay. Don't worry about travel expenses, if there's no contract then it's their loss, as awful as that is to say, they took that risk by employing somebody.

APs and families don't work out for all sorts of reasons, unfortunately, you just seem to be working for wankers.

Emily823 · 19/06/2014 08:00

Your reply made me laugh for the first time in a week! Thank you. I will check out the website.

OP posts:
PixieofCatan · 19/06/2014 08:04

Which country are you in Emily? We may be able to help?

It's really not worth giving up exploring a culture because of bastards, so if you want to stay in the country I'm sure someone will be able to help you find a way :)

There are always backpacker jobs too, depending on where you are in Asia would depend on how available they are, but they're usually easy to get and would enable you to save a little for a month and then travel for a month type thing.

Emily823 · 19/06/2014 08:12

Oh I am in China, by the way.

OP posts:
Emily823 · 19/06/2014 08:15

A point to make is that I am on a tourist visa... That would hinder me from finding work wouldn't it?

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PixieofCatan · 19/06/2014 08:17

China, brilliant! Lots of backpackers in all parts of China so lots of opportunities :) I don't know about the APing scene over there though. If you leave this family and want to stay, what is it that you are interested in doing?

& is your visa dependant on working? If you need one?

PixieofCatan · 19/06/2014 08:21

X-post

From a quick look, nothing deep though, you need a proper working visa if you want to be paid, which implies that you could do a "work in exchange for food and board" type thing, however I know nothing about visas so you'll need to find somebody else to tell you exactly!

fluffymouse · 19/06/2014 08:31

Are you working for a Chinese family then?

It sounds like they are exploiting you and even worse being verbally abusive.

Leave ASAP, they won't get better.

Incidentally, we have a thread here about a UK Chinese family who placed an ad for an au pair to work all ours of the days for pennies. Certain cultures behave very badly to their 'hired help'.

Which country are you from?

Emily823 · 19/06/2014 08:44

Yes, I am working for a Chinese family and I am from the US. But I have lived in Central America and Europe so I was ready for something new!
The working for room and board thing seems like a good enough deal to me if I can find a hostel or place willing! I'll look into it! Thank you all so much for all of the help so far!

OP posts:
Karoleann · 19/06/2014 11:00

I think they're using you as a very cheap Amma which is basically a Chinese nanny/housekeeper.
You are being exploited, I would just find a new placement - there seems to be a few web sites that have ads for au pairs in China. Alternatively, there is a big ex pat community in Shanghai and maybe you could get a placement there.

Emily823 · 19/06/2014 13:57

Good idea! We leave about 2 hours by bullet train from Shanghai. Very easy for me to get there.

OP posts:
Messygirl · 19/06/2014 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimishimmi · 25/06/2014 22:18

Could you not give English lessons without having to be an aupair? In Hong Kong and presumably China by extension, the people hired as 'domestic helpers' were generally seen as dogsbody's by the whole family - so the expectations of cleaning, cooking etc are completely in line with that. Doesn't mean you have to put up with it though!! My SIL's sister spent a long time living in/travelling around China by giving English lessons outside of her contracted hours with a school there. She made much better money from the private lessons. Good luck.

Itsfab · 29/06/2014 16:31

I would rather feel I had failed than be bullies and belittled! WTF does how you look got to do with how you can do your job and by the way YOU are not the one who is a failure.

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