DD called "fat, ugly, stupid, rude", need advice ASAP!

[GrumpyOldNag]

Hi all, I was hoping to get some advice on behalf of my DD (18) who is au pairing in France over the summer, as she sometimes finds herself in a difficult situation with the kids she is looking after, and is struggling to know how to react.

She looks after three children, 9, 11, and 15, with a single mum who works from home but is often away attending meetings and so on. She says generally, they are good, and she enjoys their company. However she has trouble with the youngest, the 9 year old girl, and the 15 year old boy. In the first month or so she was with the family, there were no problems, but as the children have become more used to her they have stopped being embarrassed about having tantrums etc. Both she and the eldest boy are very aware that she is just three years older than him, and she has not being given any 'sanctions' as such by the mum. If she asks him to do anything he either ignores her or refuses, at this point she is at a loss as to what to do- she can't physically make him do what she asks!

The bigger problem is the little girl, DD phoned me today sounding exasperated, tired and annoyed, as the girl had had a huge tantrum, screaming "You're fat, ugly, stupid, rude" at her, as well as "Get out of my living room, you don't live here, I will get my mum to fire you" and all sorts along those lines. This was in response to DD asking her to have a shower. She is at a loss as to what to do, she says spoke politely and reasonably, ignored her when she started banging things to try to get attention, and did not touch her or manhandle her in anyway. She feels that sometimes she does not get the support she needs from the mother, for example, the girl has to shower every day, although her mother sometimes allows exceptions, but does not tell DD when. This means the girl argues with DD and says something along the lines of "But my mother says it's okay, I can shower tomorrow" when DD hasn't been told anything, so she doesn't know if she is lying or not, if that makes sense?

I know what I'd suggest if they were my children, but they aren't! I haven't had au pairs myself so I don't know what advice to give her as to how to deal with them. I was hoping some of you lovely lot who know this game better than I do might be able to help her with her problems! Sorry it turned into such an essay, I didn't want to drip feed!

I'm sorry I have no better advice, but if it was me, I'd be saying 'I will be speaking to your mother about the words you say to me, and if you don't wash, you'll be smelly. Now go and get a shower, please.'

If I was in her shoes I would go.

I'd be getting her to talk to the mother.

At 15 the oldest shouldn't need to be told what to do by your daughter. She can include him in talks if he wants and cook meals but he is old enough to care for self.

For youngest In Shower situation I'd be calling the mum each time. The mum will then either tell child she has to listen to your daughter or blame your daughter for not doing as asked. If the second was the case I'd leave.

In the meantime I'd get your daughter to concentrate on the middle one, bake with them, play games and have fun. Welcome the others if they want to join in but ignore any of their tantrum behaviour.

Also how many au pairs have they had? This will give a good indication of what mum is like. If they've gone through a lot of au pairs I'd be keeping my eye on other positions.

The 15yo isn't really her concern, she needs to not worry about him. Just report to the mum what he was asked and what his response was.

With the 9yo she needs to get a handle on her. She should make sure she is using an authoritative tone and using language like 'you need to go and have your shower now please' instead of 'can you go and have a shower please?'. Be firm. Tell once, final warning, consequence. It will be best if DD can be in charge of the consequence rather than mum. So she could maybe promise to bake with her/play a board game etc. she can then withdraw this when her behaviour is bad.

The tantrum itself should be ignored with a slightly bored expression ideally. Talk about it once she's calmed down. Tell mum.

Sorry, I didn't make that clear, DD generally doesn't ask the 15 year old to do anything unless the mother has asked her to ask him, if that makes sense? For example, the mother asked DD to tell the boys to come back from the pool and make their beds, which she did and was ignored and fobbed off. I'm not explaining this very well, DD is not feeble or a push over, she's just never done this before and is a bit of a loss as to what to do!
The family have not had an au pair before either, which has caused minor problems. I know on at least one occasion she is was supposed to be paid on a Saturday but wasn't paid until the following Thursday. Things like the mother leaves the house with no notice, without saying what time she is coming back, leaving DD to hold the fort sometimes as late as 9:30pm.

DD says she would feel uncomfortable calling the mother every time, the mother has a very busy job and is under a lot of pressure, she is supposed to make her life easier not more stressful, and she probably wouldn't be able to get hold of her unless it was an emergency.

Thank you for your help, it is much appreciated !

Could she say 'that's fine don't have a shower but no tv until you do'
Or 'that's fine I'll write each time you refuse & give a list to your mother when I see her'
Definitely ignore the tantrums & play with the middle child more

There's no need for the girl to be rude, but she doesn't know that - encourage your dgd to stay calm, and call her on it without making too big a deal of it. "Hey there's no need to be rude. I'm just reminding you that you need a shower today! If you go earlier tomorrow, you can watch some TV afterwards. I'll remind you at 6pm tomorrow" etc etc

Ditto with the 15 year old. Pass messages from his mum. Let him know what you expect, and call him on any rudeness but don't get hung up on it. It's their home, your dgd is still fairly new to them. Encourage her to stay cheerful and calm and have fun with the middle daughter.

FWIW I have a ten year old who doesn't like switching off the TV for showers!

I have a number of strategies:

1. Sympathise: I know that you are enjoying your TV programmes, but you do need a shower.

1. Give her plenty of warning and get her involved in decision making: "What time tonight are you going to have a shower?" or "Are you going to have a shower this evening or tomorrow morning?" - element of choice, but no shower is not one of them.

1. Let her skip a day then you can be much more authoritative. "But you didn't have one yesterday, you will be very smelly! You need a shower now."

1. Organise it so that she goes early then gets TV: "Let's go upstairs now and then you can watch TV in your pjs"

1. Give her a hand to get her moving "I will switch the shower on, whilst you get your clothes ready . . . "

1. Don't panic! 9 year olds can be rude and grumpy - but the fact that she was polite for the first month and now is getting rude also means that she has accepted your dgd is not just a visitor. She's around to stay.

HTH

The problem is not your DD of course, but the parent wanting DD to be a mouthpiece for her. What child is going to come in from the pool to make their bed? It was an unrealistic request and I bet if the mother had asked they would have stropped as well.

She needs to point out to the mother,

'Look, I am a teenager. I'm responsible and I will do my best to make sure your children have a lovely summer and are kept safe while you are working but I will have to do it in a way that works for all of us. Showers in the evening before bed while you are here to supervise. Chores done in the morning before you leave for work or when you come home so that you can oversee them. If there is something I need the children to do (eg wash up after baking) of course I will ask them.

And I will not tolerate being called names. Or is that how you treat all visitors to your house?'

If I was leaving my kids with an 18 year old all summer I would hope that their days were happy, they had fun and if they hadn't had a shower or made their beds well, hey, c'est la vie. And I would expect them to be polite and friendly. She needs to demand the same.

I'd tell her to leave tbh. Aping is supposed to be about having fun, exploring a new culture and being part of the family. It sounds like she's a disrespected, under paid nanny tbh. Mum leaving with little notice and no indication of return time? That's really awful. Tell her to go and find another family, she'll be able to find one relatively easily if she's over there I would think?

I was an au pair in France back in the day, and this sounds like my daily life - battles for showers, rude kids (though younger), parents often out til late... it was hard bloomin work. My au pair friend at the time got the same from her 10yo charge. Whether it's a French kid thing or an au pair thing, I don't know. But it's character building stuff. Unforgettable memories, life-long friends made and skills learnt. I agree talk to the mum, or try behaviour chart? I'm not convinced she'd have it any easier with another family I'm afraid!

Leave and try to get a family with much younger children. My sister has au pairs and I don't think the children have once been rude to them.

Leave and find a job with a well behaved 5 year old!

It has been tricky, au pairing is not something that we know anything about, so it's been difficult to tell what is acceptable and normal behaviour! She is paid 70€ a week, is that the going rate? She has friends in the city but it takes her at least an hour to get in on public transport and she had to pick up the youngest and take her home for lunch at 12, and take her back at 1, and she had to do small jobs in the house in the afternoon so really she couldn't leave the area during the week. Now of course the kids are on holiday so she can't leave the house apart from at weekends!

It's an au pair thing.

I was treated exactly the same (and worse) as an 18 year old in Britain.

I'd tell your daughter to leave. I stayed for a year with the said family and regret it to this day.
Nothing will change, they probably don't see anything wrong with their behaviour.

I was also treated in exactly the same way as an au pair in Spain. The children even got the housekeeper fired because she happened to raise her voice at the lovely angelic shits. I had a meeting with parents to make it clear that if I could not provide sanctions and consequences, then I would be leaving. They replied that they did not want me to discipline the children, even though the eldest had hit me several times and I even had a black eye once.

The unfortunate thing is that there are thousands of au pairs, they'll just get another one and treat her the same.

Tell her to sit down with the mother and tell her exactly what the children have said to her and what the difficulties are. If the mother does not take steps to resolve them she should just leave. Honestly, life is too short to be taking this kind of behaviour for 70 euros a week. Saying that she has the kids all day now it is school holidays suggests that she is also doing too many hours of childcare anyway. She should only be doing 25 hours per week for that money.

Tbh, an 18 year old aupair should not be dealing with a stroppy 15 year old anyway. In other circumstances, they would be probably be school friends.

Just spoke to DD, she says not doing the hours isn't really an option, as the mother leaves with such little notice that the children would be left by themselves. They are also not babies, so the work isn't strenuous, and I think, although she hasn't said as much, that she feels guilty for not working so hard. During the shower tantrum yesterday the girl said something along the lines of "You don't do anything, you don't work, you do nothing but you say you live in my house" etc. DD knows she was just pushing buttons but it seems to have really got to her, as it is something that has been preying on her mind since she got there.

She's not got long left, only a few weeks, would she be unreasonable to say to the host mum that if the daughter speaks to her like that again she will leave? Thank you so much for all your help, I feel so at sea with this, I just don't know what to say to help her.

If I were in her position I would leave. She is too young to be caring for older children- especially the 15 year old- a 3 year age gap!

It's a French and an au pair thing. The French way of bringing up children is to let everything slide until they hit the limit and then get really angry. As a result French kids IME rarely respond to measured warnings etc. Kids can be shits to au pairs unless the parents insist on respect though.

Is she speaking to them in French or English?

If your DD only has a few weeks left, then she has little to lose, and may as well speak up and set firmer boundaries about what is expected of her. If she did leave suddenly, the mother with the busy busy job would be in trouble and need someone at short notice, so I'd say it's your DD who has the power here. I would encourage your DD to have a frank conversation with the mother and point out that she simply has no ways of enforcing stuff like this, especially on the 15 yo, unless the mum empowers her to withhold certain things.

The worst thing is the leaving with little notice and not saying when she will be back on the mum's part. In your DD's shoes I would psych myself up to say that she is very uncomfortable with that and if it happens again she will be leaving within 24 hours. And she should do that.