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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Sensitive hygiene issue for lovely new au pair

22 replies

katherine999 · 27/04/2014 09:26

Our au pair started last week, first one we've employed. She is lovely, great with the kids, enthusiastic and kind. But she rarely washes and every room she goes into smells really awful. I think she may have athletes foot - her shoes smell so much she won't bring them in the house - and I'm not sure how to tackle this without being extremely rude. The whole house stinks! I know I sound awful, but I don't think I can live with this. I am very happy to pay for new shoes for her, and any meds she needs but I'm not sure if I'm crossing a line. Help?

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AskBasil · 27/04/2014 09:29

No you're not.

You can't live with a stink. Also in the long run you'll be doing her a favour by broaching the issue.

Having said that, i have no idea how to approach it sensitively. But just want you to know that you're not crossing a line in not wanting someone to make your house smell, any more than if she were a smoker and made the place stink.

MissBattleaxe · 27/04/2014 09:33

You could word it like it's a cultural thing "We shower every day. Do you need a doctor about your feet? I can arrange that." etc.

You are right to approach this sensitively, especially since she seems like a nice person.

Original poster

katherine999 · 27/04/2014 09:35

She is English so I don't think the cultural thing would work. She is very overweight and I don't think overly brimming with confidence, and I really don't want to hurt her!

OP posts:

Iwillorderthefood · 27/04/2014 09:38

What about getting her some nice shower gel and so on, and try to talk over what she does during the day so that you almost timetable in a slot for her to shower in. How old is she? Perhaps she feels unsure when she is allowed to use the bathroom and does not want to get in the way?

Rosa · 27/04/2014 09:40

If you are happy with every other aspect then I would tell her. Say that you really want her to stay and are very happy with what she does however you have noticed that there are some personal hygiene issues that you need to approach . Put it in the nicest way possible say that you want to help her and not offend her in any way is there a problem or what can you do to help ?

Foosyerdoos · 27/04/2014 09:44

Is it possible that she thinks she may not be allowed to shower everyday. Maybe under the guise of going over household do's and don'ts say you are happy for her to shower as often as she likes.

MissBattleaxe · 27/04/2014 09:51

She's English? Oh well, in that case, try what Foosy and Rosa suggest.

Lots of praise and positives and then "you can use the shower every day at 8am as it's free then".

Original poster

katherine999 · 27/04/2014 10:53

Thanks everyone, big help. We really do want her to stay.

OP posts:

longjane · 27/04/2014 12:04

You could give a antiperspirant and ask her to use this one as they are you using you have a allergy too.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 28/04/2014 10:47

I would just be honest & get it over with ASAP! start with the positives how pleased you are with her care, the children love her etc but you do need to address a delicate issue. "Unfortunately I've got a really strong sense of smell & I couldn't help but notice a rather unpleasant odour. I'm sure you wash regularly but either your clothes aren't being washed & dried properly (eg not drying clothes quick enough can give them a really unpleasant odour) or you might need to change your brand of deodorant." I'd then be all breezy & say I'm going shopping later so shall I grab a couple of brands for you to try as I sometimes find I need to chop & change to do the job properly

PhoebeMcPeePee · 28/04/2014 10:50

Oh just seen that she rarely washes - "wish all that running around after the DC you'll properly find yourself getting more sweaty than usual so I'd suggest a nice long soak in the bath at the end of the day or a shower to wake you up in the morning.

I think you need to be reasonable direct as this is not a conversation you want to repeat

Locketjuice · 28/04/2014 10:54

Write a note and leave it on her bed? I would be mortified but more so face to face at least the initial embarrassment would be alone and you can just act like nothing's happened.. Providing she starts washing...

Tess999 · 28/04/2014 10:59

no you can't write a note!!
don't hint
just be honest, how happy you are with her but you do have a strong sense of smell and that she does need to sort out her athlete's foot and she does need to shower or bath every day! That the bath is free at x time or the shower is free at y time.
Agree when/how she can do her washing / use the tumble dryer?.
Hinting is too mortifying - just be light and breezy about it as if it isn't a big deal but say something soon or it'll just be more embarrassing for her when you do.

MackerelOfFact · 28/04/2014 10:59

I'm not very direct so if I were me I'd probably start a conversation about how much I love having a bath/shower and raving about a particular product I use and how nice it smells, etc, and how you couldn't get through the day without it.

Then I'd get her some (and some other nice toiletries) as a 'gift' to help her unwind after a day of looking after the DCs, and make sure she knows when she can use the bathroom and washing machine etc. Then ask her often how she's finding the product you like so much, comment how lovely she looks and smells when she uses it, etc.

It's really lame and indirect but I think you have to be so careful when someone already has self-esteem issues. Mortifying her into washing would work but seems unnecessarily unkind.

Tess999 · 28/04/2014 12:28

it is much kinder to be nicely direct about it imo.
if you were an employer at a company there are key guidelines how to deal with this. you are not allowed to suggest solutions or hint. you can't say "others have noticed". you have to own the problem and give her the problem and let her solve it herself.
the athletes foot issue is helpful, less sensitive and an easy way to start the conversation.

BubbleRap · 28/04/2014 12:33

"Shall we just go over your duties? Only I can't help noticing you're so busy you don't get time to shower! Poor thing you're run off your feet! Now, would you rather have a long bath or a couple of quick showers? Is morning or evening best for you? Are there any special smelliest you like?" Etc etc.

BubbleRap · 28/04/2014 12:34

Smellies.

AreWeThereYeti · 28/04/2014 17:33

I would also just tell her. I would be polite but I would not say I was sensitive to smells or anything like that. I think being honest and straightforward is the only way to go. You need to establish if its just her feet that are a problem or not.

If you tell her in a straightforward manner it will make it less embarrassing for her.

If you follow up the conversation with some wholehearted compliments on her work then it should be ok.

Some people do struggle with B.O. especially during their teens. One of my DS's used industrial strength antiperspirant but still had to shower twice a day whilst my other son could play sports all day but still not smell.

Indith · 28/04/2014 17:44

I'm a very sweaty person and have struggled with clothes getting horrid ingrained sweat smell that starts up as soon as my fresh from the washing line clothes get worn. I've recently started using one of those deodorants you put on at night every couple of days, just off the shelf it is a sure one. Then use regular deodorant in the day. It has made a huge difference. deogo is a great stain remover type thing to get rid of smelly clothes. anything that has stinky underarms even after washing I treat, soak in vinegar and then wash.

I know that isn't quite what you are after but if she had been sweaty smelly for a while her clothes are probably all stinky so even if she sorts herself out she might still smell until the clothes are sorted.

Rugbycomet · 28/04/2014 20:03

Tbh...I had to have this conversation with my au pair, many, many years ago. I spoke with her and told DH that it went well. I thought it had although DH said mmmhhhmmm..we'll see....

The following day when I had gone out with the children I returned and found that she had gone!!

I think it is a very difficult topic to raise. I hope your talk goes better!!

HighVoltage · 29/04/2014 10:14

I have dealt with a similar issue with a colleague in an office so not quite the same but sorry if anyone thinks I was awful to be dishonest but I actually found pretending that I had the issue myself previously to be really helpful.

So you have noticed she knows about the foot issue - so I would suggest you say "I had that with my shoes/feet - I found this stuff really helped I think it would be worth a try."

And maybe the daily showering thing could be more like "You're working so hard we'd really like to make sure you have time to have shower or bath every day - which would you prefer/when would you like to have it?" It could even be a privacy thing for her.

Good luck, such a tough one. (Impressed that your kids are very polite my DS has been known to enquire what the funny smell is for any less fragrant guests.)

FreckledLeopard · 29/04/2014 10:19

I had to sit down with an AP once and tell them that they smelled. It was pretty excruciating, but I was at the end of my tether and felt physically sick. In that particular instance, it was terrible BO. In the end I packed her off the GP for medicated anti-perspirant which helped a bit, but her total reluctance to shower just did my head in. I ended up giving her notice (for other reasons too).

I think you just have to bite the bullet and try and be as friendly as possible.

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