First time I've had to deal with ap bringing male home..messed up

[BiddyPop]

Well, potentially.

Ap went out "spontaneously to meet friends" while I was bringing dd to swimming lesson tonight. No problem, I left her dinner cooked (as requested, when I asked). Slobbed around as too tired to do anything and was literally standing to turn off TV when she arrives home with man in tow. I already had end of glass of wine in hand to bring with me, hoping to watch a Netflix for half hour in bed.

I fluffed it. Our rule is friends are fine just 1/2, no large groups. Very happy for coffees in daytime, in theory happy for visitors in evening but never happened yet. But overnight visitors have to be cleared in advance (and I'd generally expect on a weekend). This was clear even before she arrived and on arrival too, 6 weeks ago. Agency getting stricter with families, and me getting more savvy (ish - she's our fifth).

I went to bed as I really am shattered and stressed out this week and have 2 more busy days ahead, DH is away overseas this week and next. But I think they have gone to her room.

I think I need to have words tomorrow (late evening after her class, and I have to get up early to drive 3 hours to meetings on Friday).

What the hell do I say?

And I know, I have proven my wispiness, I need to grow shiny brass balls like the grow up responsible person I am.

But any words of wisdom are appreciated. I thought this one was working so much better than the last as dd and herself have bonded well.

So, is the visitor staying for the night?
If so she def needs to clear this with you.

Start by saying how happy you are with what she has done do far, girls love her etc. but that this is your home and overnight guests must be cleared in advance,.
Explain to her that you felt vulnerable.

I would not be happy about this, your mistake here is not setting/agreeing on rules, all sounds a bit hazy.

If it's just a guest for coffee, let it go.

Think about creating some rules, ask for her input in doing this?

Not much advice apart from the fact that you need to remind her of the ground rules and that no male visitors should visit in the evenings/stay overnight.

Personally I wouldn't have any problem with her having a boyfriend as long as she met him somewhere else. I would be very uncomfortable having someone in my house that I don't know (male or female).

We used to have a nanny and made it very clear that no visitors were allowed in our house. It is quite strict but at the same time it is very clear cut too and we didn't have to go down the route of saying why X was okay and Y not. The nanny used to meet up with her nanny friends at playgroup etc. ..

Good luck when you have the chat with her tomorrow. I feel for you as confrontations are never easy.

Did she bring him back for a coffee/chat and he left - soun
ds like she wasn't back that late if still wanted dinner plates up

What time was it?

Or did he stay? Do you have proof?

If former then fine you allow friends. If latter you need to say something today and now

If the friend was female would you have thought the same

If you stated no overnight guests without permission then tell her this again

The rules about guests generally are clear, just not about late night arrivals. Dinner was not eaten last night, still in the pot when I left this morning. And I had to leave on time. I know she's up on time as dd rang to find my iPad (MINE!) to wtch Netflix so had to talk to her about giving nitrogen for dd sore throat. Nurofen , bloody iPad.

I know I need to say something tonight and your suggestions are heful thanks.

When faced with a strange man arriving at 11pm when my mind was already shifted into locking up mode, I just blanked. (Strange = never met before! nothing worse). I know he was still here after midnight as they'd gone to her room next to mine, but I don't know if he left later or stayed, I will have to ask later today.

I think, even if it was female, arriving at 11pm is too late. I usually go to bed around 10, just happened to be watching a programme so up later. I will have to get specific about guests arriving by 9pm unless pre-agreed overnight visitors when they're on a night out. A couple of times, 1 other ap has stayed afte a night out which is fine.

Agree 11pm is late but if quiet / polite then I don't see the problem - I am a night owl so would be awake then - so think it would be hard stating
No late guests if hadn't been noisey etc

Maybe needed a quiet place to talk etc

If had been noisey then you have every right to be pissed off

Regards food maybe she thought would be back earlier or maybe she was invited to eat when out and about

If you had been in bed you wouldn't know he was there and as long as he didn't stay she hasn't done anything wrong

If he did stay then feel free and yell at her for disobeying your rules :)

I would ask her who the male was, when did she meet him and whether he stayed overnight. Remind her of the rules.

In fact, if you feel like adding a new rule there and then about overnight visitors, there is nothing to stop you. Every time I get a new aupair, I add a new rule! My rules are clear - no male visitors full stop at any time of the day except a long term boyfriend who has been introduced. No aupair has had a problem with that. They understand "my house my rules" and if they wanted to bring random men home, they need to get their own flat and a different job (waitressing, shop job).

If they want the comfort and convenience of iiving with a family, they have to abide by the house rules. That is the trade off.

This goes to security - of yourself and your children. I would be quite unamused with this breach.

Blondes, I am uncomfortable with anyone arriving unexpectedly late at night. And since having had to have APs when DH started working overseas 3 years ago, I have felt uncomfortable enough in my own home but cannot see a way of changing that.

I do see what you are saying about needing a quiet place to t.alk and ok if quiet. But my place of refuge is no longer my place of refuge and I don't want to feel even less comfortable there by really never knowing who might arrive.

But I could have been clearer on the rules, I see that. And i know different people have different tolerances. It might also have been different if DH was home too, but he is away this week and next.

But current ap is nice, good with dd (they've a nice gentle relationship going, whereas there were serious personality clashes with the last one) and all that. We are lucky when I hear of problems lots have had, we've never had girls who come home late, loud and drunk or who bunk off and take the mickey on work issues. So I do want to tread carefully.

I think I'll reiterate rules about visitors and make it clear that I don't want people coming late at night unless cleared beforehand (whether staying or not) after 9.30 say. But start with the positives and also acknowledge that different families have different ideas about visitors and lateness, this is just what suits us. And if I get a text while she's put, I at least can make a decision and know if someone is coming.

And yes, they were quiet, so that is good. But it still made me uncomfortable and that's what I want to avoid. A girl arriving at that hour would have been not quite so bad but still uncomfortable to me.

The questions are helpful to make me clarify my thoughts, which will make it calmer and clearer in my chat (nice chat not row).

Thanks Blue. We've no problem with boyfriends, 2 APs had long term boyfriends visit (1 stayed on his 2nd and 3rd visits from AP home, other tended to want alone time so stayed in hostel in city centre). And if they meet someone here, that's lovely. But yes, my home, my rules.

She knew the rules and chose to ignore them. That would be an issue for me.

I understand your home is your refuge but it is also ap's home so should be allowed people there but also agree you need a time limit in (for your peace of mind) so no guests after 9.30 unless pre arranged sounds good

then you can roam your home in tatty pjs and curlers in peace

As you said everyone is different and as long as quiet and didn't stay the night it wouldn't bother me - trust your ap judgement - but as it does bother you then you need to say something

Def ask what time he went home - maybe say you couldn't sleep last night and said you didn't hear him go

A no man rule seems harsh / I have male friends who I talk to a lot and would feel bad if wasn't allowed round (at a decent hour)

Blondes, its not a "no man" rule exactly, that made it only slightly MORE uncomfortable than a girl. It was the lateness and no forewarning. That's a good idea for finding out the unknown of stayed or not.

It's fab, yes it's an issue but I don't want to blow it out of proportion either. So I need to tackle it, but nicely. It's not a "LTB" type knee jerk reaction, I want to be calm and measured. But still firm, and reasonable.

Ops, late for next thing at work, thanks all.

Biddy, firm but reasonable sounds like a good plan. It is only a first infraction, so no biggie. Some aupairs like to push the limits a little on certain issues, so you just have to reinforce the limits. Choosing to speak to her when you are calm is also a good thing.

Sorry I meant the no man reply to blue

Hope chat goes well :) and hope he went rather then stayed

Fab - we don't know if the ap did let her man friend stay - so technically she hadn't broken any rules - as no clear set that op doesn't like late visitors

If he did stay then yes she ignored the rules and needs to be told an reminded :)

Blondes, as regards the no man rule, it is different between a live-in nanny and a live-in aupair. A live-in nanny is doing this as part of her long term job, so would accept fewer restrictions on her living arrangements and fair enough - but her host family would also expect her to be more mature and not take the piss.

An aupair who is doing this as a stop gap for this part of her life must be prepared to accept more restrictions. I expect her to be young and just a little older than a teenager so don't expect them to have the best judgment.

In either case, an employer takes the risk of a nanny or aupair leaving if she does not like the rules and the nanny and aupair takes the risk that an employer may set house rules stricter than she is prepared to stomach. Both are entitled to terminate the arrangement if it does not suit.

nitrogen for sorethroat, that should sort it out

Will update properly later, but had chat this evening and all fine. Single moment of calm, due to dd not ap!

biddy what was the update? Did male friend stay or not

Sorry Blondes, had last day of school meltdowns last night, and complete hyper tonight when I got back from business trip (drove over 500km today!).

Friend did not stay, it was very spontaneous as was so cod and needed to heat up before going all the way home to his place (here was closer apparently). At least, that's what I was told and took at face value to not row.

But I have made it clear that, while visitors are welcome, if after 9.30 arrivals, she needs to send me a text first. Boy or girl. Which will probably still be yes answer to her, but allows us to say no if already in pjs or I don't want visitors very late on nights DH is away and I am alone and in charge.

She was happy to accept that and because I had those reasons thought through ahead of time, it was just a nice chat not a row with me thinking on my feet.

Cod = cold
Bloody iPad

'Passes wine' for bad day

Though glad he didn't stay and ap flaunt your rules and now she knows the after 9.30 rule so you can relax a bit

Sorry,but in my house daily visitors or evening visitors would be ok (need to let me know ahead) but to stay over is a big no no.
Security is number one for me.