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Original poster

Worried that nanny is bullying DD

27 replies

Teatimetinny · 08/04/2014 22:51

Hi there,

We have been using our nanny for around 6 months and on the whole we're very happy with her. There were no teething problems and the children settled quickly and day to day things run smoothly and everyone is in a routine.

There have just been a few niggles at how she speaks to DD1 who is 3. She seems to deliberately try to antagonise her. An example would be deliberately telling her she has to be a big girl and sleep in her own bed, when I have repeatedly told the nanny that we are happy co-sleeping for the time being for various reasons. Poor dd is getting mixed messages now and it's making her anxious.
She also tries to make her sound silly in front of us, in a way that undermines my dd and confuses her.

I suppose it is low-level bullying behaviour, but I don't like it and I don't really know what to do about it.

There are other issues around food that annoy me. I realise that I should just talk to her about that and get it all out in the open. But there is a lot of pressurising around food and punishing too, such as making a big deal about not being allowed fruit for pudding because she didn't finish her meal. I know that's how lots of people do it, but I'm really against putting emotional pressure on food. But I realise in this case it's my fault for not communicating it to our nanny yet.

Does anyone know how I should address the other issues? It is such a subtle thing that its hard to bring out into the open. But me and DH have both noticed it and felt uncomfortable about it for a while, so I feel we do need to address it.

OP posts:
PowerPantsRule · 09/04/2014 00:57

Your nanny is completely out of order for pressurising your DD into going into a big bed when you are happy to co sleep. That is wrong. Alarm bells are going off for me - the nanny is not listening to you and appears to be set in her way of doing things - a good nanny is flexible and adapts to the needs and wants of her family.

drinkyourmilk · 09/04/2014 06:33

You are right, that's bullying.
My gut feeling is she won't change, but I think you should give her the chance. Have a general review, and bring up these things- reiterate your food rules and that you are happy for her to cosleep. I'd be tempted to say it quite firmly- you feel she is undermining your parenting by telling your dd she needs to sleep in her own bed and that you find this unacceptable when she knows your stance on it.
Give her a month to see if she improves, if she doesn't then find someone else. Your daughters home is her safe place.

Forresitters · 09/04/2014 06:59

You need to speak to her about this. Everyone has different views and opinions and she may not think she is doing anything wrong.
Tbh I think it is very normal for a child of 3yrs to sleep in their own bed in their own room as co sleeping at this age makes it much harder for the transition. But this is my personal opinion and I wouldn't mention it to unless I was asked. I also encourage children to eat all their food in order to receive pudding. I discuss this with parents before starting so we are all on the same page and dispite what my view of things might be - I wouldn't talk to the child about it in the way that your nanny has. I think your nanny is realistic but in a blunt sort of way and as I said before because you haven't said anything she doesn't realise there is an issue!

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 09/04/2014 07:13

I doubt she's deliberately antagonising her. As a nanny she may well think it's normal to sleep in bed at 3 and think she's helping. Similarly it may be her belief/training that is normal to eat dinner before pudding.

As it happens I like co-sleeping and would never enforce "eating it all up" as I think it's harmful. However it's not bullying as a nanny to act in what you believe to be best practice of not told otherwise.

Bettercallsaul1 · 09/04/2014 08:34

I, too, think that there is a basic and genuine difference of opinion between you and your nanny about these things - her stance on both these issues is the opposite of yours but quite reasonable and mainstream. As a childcare professional, she will have formed opinions on such basic matters as food and sleep and will carry these to every job she goes to.

Unfortunately, your views on these pivotal matters are completely different and it's not surprising that you''re experiencing conflict, even though so far it's been unspoken. Did you not discuss sleeping and eating habits before your nanny joined you? I would say this is a clash of expectations, which could have been avoided by fuller discussion at the time of interview.

This is obviously bothering you so speak to your nanny now and tell her how you want things to be done. If, after this, she cannot cheerfully accept your regime, you may have to look for a different nanny. It may be too late with this one,bbIt at least you will know to clarify things well in advance with your next.

NomDeClavier · 09/04/2014 09:04

I agree there is a difference of opinion on fundamental issues and she does hold fairly mainstream opinions but your nanny is not dealing with this as she should if you've told her that you're happy with things as they are.

I would start disciplinary proceedings. Have a chat and tell her that you want her to leave things as they are and her to respect that, verbal warning if she doesn't, written warning if she carries on. It's important to follow the correct procedures because it's the kind of thing I as a parent would expect to have mentioned in a reference, especially if nanny had said she was okay with co-sleeping.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 09/04/2014 09:06

This is bullying behaviour. Speak to her and air your concerns. If it persists in you shoes I would implement your disciplinary procedure. Did you get her via an agency? Can you speak to them?

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 10:08

I wouldn't say it is bullying more encouraging

Most 3yrs are in their own bed but if you are happy to co sleep then tell nanny that. She may think she is helping you by getting 3yr in her own bed

Regards food yes generally most of the meal needs to be eaten to get pudding tho fruit I feel is different and should be freely available

Have a chat and tell your nanny your views and see what happens

Sparklyboots · 09/04/2014 10:12

No experience of nannys; but ime she'll find it very hard to stop pushing over food. Most of our family are quite nutty about this - we've talked them through everything, we've told them our approach and explained why and they all agree, and smile along, and then move into default force feeding anyway. I can't fire my family but I do not leave them alone at mealtimes with my DS (3) and baby.

PowerPantsRule · 09/04/2014 12:34

Agree with Sparkly - this sort of behaviour with food is really hard to change!

I disagree with some others above - I think it's bullying and I think you should start a disciplinary process.

FlynnRyder · 09/04/2014 13:02

I really don't think this calls for disciplinary process. The OP admits that she hasn't actually even spoken to the nanny about the issues yet. OP, you need to sit her down and have a firm but friendly conversation with her. Then, and only then, should you even consider disciplinary proocedings if she overtly goes against your instructions.

It sounds like you don't like conflict/difficult conversations but if your nanny hasn't been told how you feel about these things it is unreasonable in my opinion to expect her to follow your thoughts in all things!

Sparklyboots · 09/04/2014 13:07

Actually the OP has spoken 'repeatedly' to the nanny about co-sleeping; the nanny has ignored her informal warnings so it's probably time to formalise it, I'd say. I also regard the stuff as low-level bullying from the child's point of view even if it is unintentional on the part of the nanny.

Sparklyboots · 09/04/2014 13:09

The child is 'confused' and 'anxious' about the nanny's behaviour. The nanny tries to 'make the child look silly'. I don't think anyone should have to be directed not to do these things. Especially not a childcare professional.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/04/2014 13:11

You are her employer and need to treat her as you would anybody else.
I think you have to give her chance to change and then go down the verbal/written warning way if this doesn't work, before you think about letting her go.

fideline · 09/04/2014 13:12

So why haven't you sacked her?

In your account it sounds like clear cut bullying. Is anything in particular making you hesitate?

NannyLA · 09/04/2014 13:46

As nannies we are keen to encourage good bedtime routines and eating habits. We see it as part of our job - and to be honest most parents would be expecting that from us. However, if you feel differently then you are perfectly , as a parent within your rights to discuss with your nanny , what is important to you. I would have a chat first, make it very clear that you do not want her doing/saying that to your child.

If she were to continue it, then it would be necessary to give her a warning etc - hopefully it can be resolved without that happening .

FlynnRyder · 09/04/2014 13:59

The OP says that she repeatedly said that they are happy with co-sleeping to the nanny. She didn't specifically say that she has spoken to the nanny to say please don't speak to DD about moving to a bed as it is upsetting her. If the nanny doesn't realise OP's strength of views on this then I don't see how talking to a 3 year old about sleeping in a bed can be seen as "bullying" and requiring disciplinary proceedings. We don't know enough about the situation and what has and hasn't been said to the nanny.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 14:43

Maybe the nanny says about sleeping in a big bed during the day if still has a nap

Do you want the nanny to lie with the child? Maybe nanny feels weird about doing that or feels she's needs to do nursery duties while she was asleep?

Have a chat. Repeat that you are happy to co sleep and say about the food

Original poster
Teatimetinny · 09/04/2014 17:44

Thanks for all your replies. Yes I'll have a good chat with her first before considering any disciplinary action.

How do you generally conduct reviews? I imagine we'd have to arrange for both dh and I to be home. Dh could look after the kids while I sat with our nanny in the other room.

I think we do have a fundamental difference of opinion on some matters which is one thing, but I feel she's not been particularly nice to dd about it which is another.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 09/04/2014 17:57

tbh nice to have a review with both parents

scottishmummy · 09/04/2014 18:00

I'd skip review or employer chat.proceed to sacking,you already had the chat,you've got misgivings

scottishmummy · 09/04/2014 18:02

You employ her.shes paid to fulfil your requests/preferences
She doesn't do so.you can cite concrete examples of her not acting to your instruction
Sack her now

TheScience · 09/04/2014 18:49

Differences in opinion about food or bedtimes is fine, normal etc.

But you fundamentally believe that this women is being unkind to your 3 year old and bullying her? Why on earth are you leaving your child with her??

scottishmummy · 09/04/2014 18:55

I can't understand why you've not sacked her op,you think she bullies your child
Socially,and with family yes difference opinion is ok.when I employ nanny I expect complete adherence to my wishes

DIYapprentice · 09/04/2014 23:20

Any decent nanny would have approached you about the issues if she has different view points. Ie, I notice you co-sleep, would you like me to encourage your DD to sleep in her own bed or would you prefer to keep the situation as it is? The fact that you've actually told her you're happy to co-sleep makes this completely unacceptable.

The food issue, it is a BIG issue. You say you haven't said anything about it, but has she seen you at meal times? Has she observed your approach? If she has she should be mimicking it, or discuss it with you if she feels it should be handled differently.

The say she talks to DD is her way. And if it is antagonising, it wont' ever change. Sadly it might change around you if you have a discussion about it, and you won't know what she's really like with your DD.

By all means have the chat, and watch her very carefully and observe her reaction. If she's mortified that she's got it so wrong, maybe, just maybe, she might yet change. But if she gets all defensive, you really should find a new nanny.

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