Nursery/childminder for a high maintance baby.

[SadPander]

My little boy is 4 months old, I'm not going back to work until September so still plenty of time for things to change, but as it stands I'm a little concerned about leaving him in childcare.

We co sleep (not through choice as such, but because he has refused to sleep in a cot/mosses basket since about 2 weeks old). I feed him to sleep (he is breast fed) and during the day he will only sleep in my arms after feeding, or in the sling or pushchair (only while we are moving, he wakes the second we stop).

I'm not prepared to try cry it out or any variation on this, but I'm suddenly really worried how he is going to cope when he is one of many in childcare and they don't have time to deal with his awkward sleep.

Please no comments on how I've spoilt him, I've done what I've had to for the both of us to get some sleep and I'm confident that in time he will be secure enough to sleep alone. Just worried this might not happen before I go back to work.

Does anyone have a similar baby and have sent them to childcare, or any childminders, how would you deal with caring for a child like this?

It's lovely that you have been able to build this bond with your baby.

Many CMs will carry a small child in a sling, but you will probably find your LO will soon sleep happily in a cot with a CM, but still need you at home.

When my high needs/only fed to sleep/only slept in my arms or in moving pushchair 16 month old started nursery I was really worried. I agreed with his key worker that they would rock him to sleep in a buggy. After a couple of weeks the key worker had a week's holiday. On return she spoke to me very apologetically because the other staff had put ds to sleep in a cot! In a couple more weeks he had stopped using a dummy and by 2 he was self settling to sleep on a mat on the floor.

They copy what the other children are doing and are also so shattered they can't wait to go to sleep.

Thanks both, that's reassuring. Always something to worry about!

It is really hard to predict how they will react. Both mine were co-sleepers and BF.

Both went to the same nursery. DC1 settled in really quite easily; took expressed milk in a bottle on the first day; napped with some patting in a cot; still co-slept and BF at night.

DC2...... oh my dear goodness me.... it was traumatic. It took nine weeks to settle him in and really that was building up from an hour a day to about 5 - 6 hours. He wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't drink from a bottle, it was awful. I luckily was able to be quite flexible with my job in the early weeks back and pick him up when he got really distressed and take him to my office while he napped. But it absolutely just about broke me, because I was then trying to catch up on work at home and he was feeding through the night. The nursery staff were actually excellent with him, but really, I could not have left him for a full day because it wasn't fair on anyone.

That is not going to reassure you, I know, but the point is to really think about what you can do if he doesn't settle. I did eventually move him to another provider and he settled after a week, and he is really happy there now.

OP, I was in the same situation as you, we chose a nursery. They got DS sleeping in a cot with no trouble, I think babies sometimes 'behave' better for other people than they do for their mothers. It did take a couple of weeks for him to settle but he's been happy ever since.

I think the key to finding childcare is being open minded, looking at lots of options and hopefully one will just feel like the right fit.

My dd was/is a co-sleeping bf to sleep, sling/arm/pram sleeping type and is absolutely thriving at her childminders. She is now 16 months and goes off to sleep by herself without needing to feed to sleep and generally runs off to play without a backward glance when I drop her off in the mornings.
They all do things at their own pace, but as others have said most children seem to copy each other and fall in with childcare routines quite happily even when different from home routines.
Also yes September is a fair way off yet and plenty of time for things to change

Blueblee, that sounds horrific! Poor you!

Thankyou for all of your replies, its good to see that on the whole your babies have adapted well. Any thoughts on nursery vs childminders?

To be honest your little boy doesn't sound high maintenance, he sounds like a normal baby! I for one wouldn't suggest for a moment that you have 'spoiled' him - you are doing what he needs and you clearly have an excellent bond.

So he will be about 9 months when he starts nursery or CM? I have carried a 9mo who wanted a lot of contact in a sling, and sat with her until she slept, so it's not out of the question to find a CM who will work with you. I would definitely suggest you start researching childcare options now, though, so you can have as many settling-in sessions as possible before you have to leave him. Have several sessions where you stay with him before you try to leave him - one isn't enough. He will need to feel comfortable in the environment before you start leaving him on his own.

The only additional thing I might suggest is that you could try a dummy - he would find it very supportive in a childcare setting and it can be useful from a CM/nursery point of view. As others have saidf though, a LOT changes in six months, so I wouldn't stress about it too much at this point. Keeping the bond between you strong is the most important thing.

On the CM v nursery front, my inclination these days would always be to go to a CM - I prefer the 'family' type atmosphere rather than the institutional one and the fact that you can choose a place where there isn't another baby of his age. Babies of the same age are always competing for attention.

I'm a childminder and have had a few babies in the past that sound very similar to yours. I have found rocking them to sleep in a buggy works well for me. They have all got used to sleeping this way very quickly. Once I have a good routine going I start to rock the buggy a little more slowly each day until it is barely moving anymore. Most times they don't seem to notice the change as it is so gradual over time. After a while they fall asleep with no rocking required. I have personally never had much luck getting co-sleeping babies to sleep in a cot but the buggy trick works well for me.

DD was a sling / cosleeping sort of baby who ate everything I ever offered her. I was dreading how she was going to sleep when she went to the CM, didn't worry for a minute about her eating.

As it turned out she slept like a dream for CM and always has; but refused to eat for the first couple of weeks she was there. Completely the opposite of what we were expecting! DD absolutely loves it there now and I am so pleased with our choice.

When you meet CMs be clear with them about what your child is like, and what you want (no CIO etc). Some will not want to take that on, some will be happy to work round it, some will have parented that way themselves and be totally on the same page as you. You'll get a feeling about how they interact with children if you visit when they have others there. If you find the right CM (or I'm sure the right nursery) he'll be just fine.

The influence of other children is not to be knocked. I think when the little ones see the bigger ones happily going off to sleep they just copy.

eta yes BusyDays, DD's CM uses a buggy to get her to sleep too. I think she was expecting to do some rocking but DD just dropped off before she got round to it!

PS having done one at nursery and one at CM, the latter worked better for us. For a baby it's easier to bond with just one carer, and while nurseries have a key person system the key person is sometimes off ill, or on lunch break etc, and our nursery was prone to switching children and staff between rooms. Nurseries can be more reliable if your work and holidays are not flexible. Really depends on the individual settings I think.

I'm a cm and believe young children should be in a home environment, just my opinion, having worked in both nurseries and childminders I think high needs babies may do better in a smaller group where the key person is always consistent. (But that's just my opinion).
I've had a baby who when she started would only nap in her mothers arms. After a few weeks she was able to go to sleep by herself in a cot. I started by rocking her and then patting her back or stroking her face while she was in the cot, different ideas that I had also used to get my co sleeping ds to nap in his cot a few years before. It gradually worked and she learnt with help to go to sleep happily by herself and i didn't have to leave Her to cry.

A lot will change between now and September for your dc, so it may not even be an issue in five months time. But as far as childcare spaces go, I would start looking around, I've already had enquiries for September from people trying to get organised. I would always say September is the best time to be wanting to start in childcare though, as the reception children start school, they leave a load of spaces that need filling, children starting in childcare in say, march don't always get the advantage of choice.

My daughter only ever fell asleep on me. Nursery were great, they put the other kids to sleep first then let her fall asleep on her key worker and be put down. After a while she was happy to go to sleep in the cot and be patted to sleep at nursery. Just discuss it with them.

You're worrying about a time 5 months away,that's longer than your DC has been alive. Please don't worry, they'll change more than you can imagine in that time.

Put him down for a couple if nurseries and a childminder and decide nearer the time. There's pros and cons with both.

I had one of my mindees start with me at 8 months & mum too was worried as she would only sleep in the sling/rocked to sleep/clingy etc. She cried non-stop for the first half hour & full hour settling-in sessions then by the third visit (full morning) she settled after half an hour & has been a total poppet ever since. She slept in the buggy with some rocking initially but now age 2 sleeps on the sofa (very large!!) & just climbs on, chucks the cushions off & asks for a story when she's tired . Honestly they are so different away from home & a good cm or nursery won't be phased by what sounds like very normal behaviour.

Thanks for all of your replies. Its nice to hear people saying that he actually just sounds like a normal baby - I get so much stick for spoiling him and 'being manipulated' by him that I've started to worry that what we are doing isn't normal! But if I can't baby him now then when can I?! I'm sure you're right too that in 5 months time he may be totally differnent. :)

I hate that nonsense about 'spoiling' and 'being manipulated' - it's utter garbage. A baby doesn't know it's separate from you, therefore it cannot manipulate you. Babies don't have 'wants' they have needs, and it is far, far better that those needs are met. The whole Victorian, Truby King, Dr Spock, (dare I say it GF) "don't give your baby Too Much Attention" thing has been demonstrated over and over again to be not only wrong but actively damaging, neurologically.

SadPander I would also urge you not to worry about comments that you are 'spoiling' your little boy. I was told the same nonsense by a couple o friends and relatives as I breastfed my now 9mth old to sleep and co-slept We still co-sleep now from time to time as she will not sleep in her cot all the time. It's all about doing what you need to in order to get some sleep and also ensure your baby feels secure.

Anyway I returned to work recently and was also very worried about leaving her with a childcare provider as she has developed separation anxiety in the last couple of months (perfectly normal but again some suggested this was due to my over-attachment to her and told me she was a drama queen!) and also worried she would not fall sleep without me or DP holding her. Well her first day at the childminders went better than I could have anticipated. After some initial tears she settled after about 30mins and happily slept for a hour in the morning and 1.5 hours in the afternoon along with the other CM's other 2 mindees. I was astonished to be honest but very relieved, the CM is brilliant with her and she seems very happy.

I would advise as other posters have mentioned that you start your childcare search early. If you go down the CM route it is a good idea to have a few settling in periods. I met up with my CM every week for about a month and after the first two meetings I left my daughter with her for 15-30 mins and then worked up to an hour. There were lots of tears but I think it ultimately helped her settle so quickly. I don't want to say a CM is always 'better' than a nursery as every child is different but in my case it was def. a better option as both DP and I felt she would settle better in a home environment with just a couple of other kids and a better opportunity for 1-1 attention. My CM is also v flexible and not concerned if we pick her up a bit late / drop her off a bit early and she takes her to stay and play sessions several times a week with lots of other children so she still gets to mix in a larger setting. She still clings to the CM and hasn't yet crawled off and played independently yet but it is early days.

Another breastfeeder/cosleeper here! My little boy started nursery at 9 months and I was convinced he'd never sleep. But they rocked him in a pram to start with and now he just goes in pram after lunch and settles himself to sleep. As the time comes they'll transition him to a mat. His routine at nursery is great. A solid 2hr nap in the afternoon. He's much more erratic with me still at 17 months! Trust your childcare provider, they'd have dealt with this many times before.

My baby was much like yours at 4 months, but bit by bit she became more independent, started sleeping on her own in a moses basket and then cot. We just let her take her own time. By the time I went back to work when she was 11 months old none of those things were even issues anymore and she settled very well with her CM. As others have said, your baby is only 4 months old so a LOT will change in the coming months. But I went for a CM because even if DD hadn't changed by the time we started using childcare, I felt that a CM would be able to be more flexible about the different needs of individual children.

Tell whoever said your DS is manipulating you to piss off! That's completely ridiculous. He's a tiny baby with tiny baby needs, one of which is lots of contact with you.

I actually think you're setting yourself up for a brilliant sleeper by giving him loads of reassurance now that going to sleep is a lovely safe thing.

DD was similar at that age. By about 5 months she was napping in cot, although I'd have to rock her to sleep first and then do the heart-in-mouth transfer from arms to cot. And then would need to re-settle by rocking her again when she woke up after one sleep cycle.

I was so worried about how she'd nap when she went to cm from about 7 months - but she was fine, of course. She slept differently for cm (and at different times). I'd go with a cm as they'll probably be more willing to tend to your DS's specific sleep needs. But I agree with others above that you should take your time meeting and vetting as many as possible and see how they react when you say he might need lots of help with naps. Some may not be willing (or able, due to other children in their care) to do that.

But, also, everything will change by 9 months anyway. By that age DD was taking two long naps in cot, self-settling, etc. I never, ever could have imagined that was possible 5 months earlier.

Yep ds barely slept except for in me
Ft at nursery and after day 1 picked him up.... He'd had 2 naps and was a happy soul- it was the peer pressure of others snoozing I think but he's always napped for them!!!