I just want to set up a thread so that I can have a place to ask advice/moan about my childcare arrangements and what is reasonable/unreasonable to ask an au pair to do. This has been motivated by my current au pair, but really I should have started this up when I got my first au pair a few years ago.
Anyway, my current au pair is pretty good. He is looking after my ds age 6 and dd3 age 4. I work freelance, so there are plenty of times I am around i.e. not working, however when I work I tend to do long hours - leaving before 7am and returning after 9pm. I sat down with the agency I get my au pairs from and spoke to them about what is reasonable re: hours/pay etc so that is all okay.
My current au pair has been with me since September. I started work soon after he arrived, but fortunately could do some of it from home so was able to introduce him around etc. His form stated that he wanted to au pair till July this year. Soon after he arrived, he informed me that this would not be the case as he was expecting to work the Summer elsewhere, then he also informed me his girlfriend was over in another part of the country and would it be okay if she came to stay sometimes. I was thrown by this but said okay re: girlfriend and, 'oh, it would have been useful to know that you don't plan to stay as long as your agency/form stated'. However I was just starting a new contract and didn't really have a choice about this.
We had gone over the role/duties etc. I generally made lots of meals over night/at the weekend so that he would have almost no cooking to do during the week. I also arranged for dd3 to go to a friend 3 afternoons per week to keep his work hours fair. On the other 2 afternoons she has activities which he takes her to.
My ds is obviously lovely but can be difficult. The school he goes to gives out quite a lot of homework and part of aps duties is to help ds with this. I have also asked him to do a bit of math with dd - all online.
It was difficult for ap to begin with. My dcs are very affectionate, especially dd3, she would run up and hug him/kiss him. He was not used to this and would push her and ds away slightly - culturally/not understanding british culture he could also be quite rude to ds friends.
We had several discussions, I think I listened to him and his concerns - I spoke to my son about his attitude and tried to pour oil on troubled waters when they had problems. ap moans at ds over homework, his speed at getting dressed, the fact he appears not to listen - basically ds is a typical boy. I offer solutions/compromises/ways of coping with homework. ds also goes to a tutor once a week so that any homework not completed with ap can be done with tutor, leaving ap only with listening to ds reading/spelling and some online math.
After Christmas, ap comes back and says he has found a job he is leaving in April - at the same time asking for half term off so that he can attend a course. Then the moans all begin again with ds. ap saying ds is disrespectful/doesn't listen and ds saying that ap doesn't like him/tells him off all the time. I offer ap some solutions and speak to ds. I then find a new contract with a different working pattern. I am working Sun-Thurs. I say to ap, in the light of this, would you be willing to have your two days off moved to Fri/Sat (when I was not working I gave him extra time off so that he could spend more time with his girlfriend). He says no problem, can my girlfriend come stay on Sundays. I say no, I would prefer if this did not happen.
On Thursday, my first day, I come back late (10pm) - having kept in touch via text - I say sorry, thank you and please go to your girlfriend etc. I walk into kitchen and find that no washing up has been done (dishwasher is stacked however), breadcrumbs/mess on counters dirty pots etc along with my sons lunch bag left on the counter. The family room has toys scattered, DVD's left out and one still playing, though tv is switched off. I ask why, did something mean you were not able to do this? He says no, I say, okay I will tidy up and wash the dishes etc, I need to get something to eat. He also had not fed the pets nor swept up/cleaned up properly after his hair cut. He goes to girlfriend, I spend 2 hours tidying up/washing up/feeding pets. He comes back late on Saturday, he asks about anything special to note for Sunday. I say no, not really. I hope some friends might call round for an hour or so, but just to enjoy himself. dd2 is home for weekend, so dynamic slightly different. I then say, I would be grateful if you could do the washing up and make sure the family room is tidy - please ask dc to help. He then says, you are so negative/I know I am bad/you always complain, there is never any praise etc etc. We talk. Long talk. I am thinking 'am I wrong to expect him to know what to do when I am working?' I have sent him a text saying that not sure when I will be back, but it won't be a long day, can he put concerns on paper so we don't get sidetracked, we can then discuss the points individually and further here is where everything is for lunch. He responds 'I'll try to put my concerns on paper for tonight chat but they shouldn't be different than those i expressed yesterday. I wish you good luck at work and i'll try to do as well as i can with children...as i've ever tried to do from the day i arrived'. By the way ap is 27..
I have 4 dc's and am widowed - I don't expect my ap to be another child. I am in process of interviewing for new ap. I know I don't always say or do the right things and obviously I need to learn from the experience of having this ap.
Really want to hear from others with ap issues - good and bad. How do you cope? Sorry for really long post..