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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Keeping our nanny

20 replies

Mummystohk · 20/01/2014 14:47

Hiya!

We're in a bit of an odd situation at the moment and I just wanted to see what your opinions are with what we should do (if anything!) with our nanny.

Basically, we have had our nanny a while now and just love her. She has gone above and beyond from day one and very rarely complains, other than maybe if we are having a general moan between us about noisy kids or messy rooms.
But the job she signed up for is not the job she now does, due to my partner and I separating. She has more to do now as there is only one of us around. She was aware we were separating and I told her many times that I would understand if she wasn't happy to stay on, but she was great and actually helped me through the separation on top!
However, we have had to move house and the separate accommodation that was promised to her at the beginning is no longer here, now she just has a bedroom in the house. Since we have moved, I've noticed she is starting to come across a bit unhappy. She is fine with the kids but doesn't sit and chat to me in the evenings like she used to. I can't quite explain it but she just seems a little distant. When I have asked if she's fed up with the housing situation, she just says that it must be 10x worse for me.

I am just starting to worry that maybe there have been too many changes now and perhaps she is thinking about leaving. Does anyone have any tips on what I should do about this? Should I just carry on as normal, or try and talk to her more or just leave her be to come to her own decision about staying with us or not?

Thank you!

OP posts:

NannyAnna · 20/01/2014 15:38

It's hard to say what she's feeling not knowing her however from my experience as a nanny, it's in our nature to care for everyone and it sounds like she's been a support for you as well as the children at this tough time. It's quite hard work living in someone else's house and sometimes you just want your evenings to yourself. If she's doing long days there she's probably tired. By the sounds of it you think a lot of her and I would just sit down with her and say you are worried and hope she's okay and maybe if you can afford it compensate her for the change of circumstances with a small pay increase or even some flowers or something. To know your appreciated and valued goes a long way. I don't do live in nannying anymore because I found it too stressful so am only responding to this message based on my own memories of how I felt as a live in nanny.

Hope this helps

Anna

Marylou62 · 20/01/2014 18:00

As a nanny I would say have a chat. Get lovely bottle of wine, maybe some nice chocs and invite her down from her room. It could be that she wants to leave, could be that she's emotionally drained from supporting you (I have been through this as a nanny. And as much as I WILLINGLY offered the support, boy.... was it tough), Could just be that she feels that maybe you want time on your own... you wont know till you ask her and you are obviously worried. If you could afford it, maybe a small rise to compensate for lack of separate accommodation. Anyway, bite the bullet and have that chat. Tell her how much she has helped you, how much she is appreciated and you don't want to lose her. Good luck

nannynick · 20/01/2014 19:42

Maybe she does not know when she can and can't be in the lounge downstairs? Maybe she does not want to get in your way in the kitchen?

Can those be resolved - such as by having a room downstairs (or upstairs) a multi function room? Perhaps there is somewhere that the children currently use but you don't use in the evening. Could that room be made multi-function by adding things like a TV, hot drink making facility mini fridge?

foreverondiet · 20/01/2014 20:57

I think you are going to have a friendly chat with her. Agree re: wine, and tell her how much you value her help, but that you sense she might not be happy. I also agree if you can afford it a small raise or other perk (can you get a cleaner a couple of hours to help her?). But ultimately if she isn't happy and your kids can sense it then its not ideal.

NannyLouise29 · 21/01/2014 00:54

I have just left a job dealing with a very similar situation to the one you're describing. When I started I had my own floor in the house, and since separating, I have moved twice with the family (downsizing each time). Before I left I had a tiny room and a mini ensuite.

I loved the kids, and supported the mum to the best of my ability. We turned an after work gin and tonic into a regular thing!

If I'm honest though, as time went on I decided that I just needed my own space. Living-in is tough! I was happy to be polite and have a quick chat, but my favourite place to be was in my room. I wasn't unhappy, but just needed to "finish work". I will admit to distancing myself from my mboss as I made the decision to ultimately leave (I stayed for two years after the separation).

I didn't expect to replace the role of husband in my mboss' life. Immediately after the separation I was happy to be a shoulder to cry on, but as time wore on I began to wonder where her friends were. In the end I was being used to replace the after work conversation she would have had with her husband. That was not my idea of a relaxing evening.

Had she asked me if everything was ok, I would have said yes. If your nanny told you she was unhappy, are you in a position to make it any better for her?

Marylou62 · 22/01/2014 09:12

Mummystohk, how did it go? I really hope you have had the 'chat' and are sorted? Trouble with me and MN, I get worried about OP and want to know what happened next! Am I too nosey?!!!

Original poster

Mummystohk · 22/01/2014 10:05

Thank you all!

Nanny nick - unfortunately we don't have that facility. There is only one tv point in the house (in the lounge) and our nanny has mentioned previously that she doesn't like spending evenings in a room filled with the kids' toys which is fair enough!!

Marylou62 - we haven't had a full on chat yet because I have been so busy working in the evenings this week, but we have had a few talks in passing over the last few days and she has expressed that she is getting fed up with her free time not feeling 'free' because she doesn't have much privacy. We are looking to move house again and I will prioritise finding somewhere where she can have her own area. I just don't know how long it is going to take and whether she will not stick it out in the mean time!

Any ideas what I could offer her temporarily to make it more bearable?!

OP posts:

googietheegg · 22/01/2014 11:11

Can she have a good laptop with wifi for iplayer/FB etc in her room?

Original poster

Mummystohk · 22/01/2014 11:30

She uses wifi on her phone but can't really do iplayer etc in her room as the noise will wake my youngest!

OP posts:

longjane · 22/01/2014 12:21

Head phones and iPad /laptop . So she does not wake youngest .

If she does not have one I would a get secondhand one . On get tablet on a deal .

I have also live in and tv in my room was essential .

NannyLouise29 · 22/01/2014 12:22

Headphones on her laptop so she can use iPlayer?

I have to be honest though, if I was promised separate accommodation to begin, and then found myself in a situation where I was unable to watch iPlayer in my room I'd be miserable. I'd feel it was petty to mention to my mboss.

I think you need to tackle it with a proactive convo going something like...
"I know things have turned out differently to what was originally agreed, and I fully appreciate that you may not have agreed to take the job under the current circumstances. However, we think you're great, and are very grateful that you've supported us so well so far. It's important to us that you're happy as we'd like you to stay with us. So let's have a chat about a few things..."

Find out what's important to her and then go from there. A gym membership, a cinema membership, etc as a perk which allows her to have her own time and not cost her anything.

I wish my boss had done this!

longjane · 22/01/2014 12:22

Can switch rooms around so she has the biggest away from kids .

GoldiChops · 22/01/2014 12:23

Just a thought, you could get her those wireless headphones for her room. I used to have some, like £20 from Argos, plug a little box in the laptop or tv then she could wonder round without being stuck to a laptop by a wire. Saved my sanity when I was live in! Then she could have I player etc in the evening without waking youngest.

whois · 25/01/2014 13:13

Lots of things you can do to keep her - move bedrooms so she has the best and furthest away from the kids, wireless headphones, more pay to compensate for worse accommodation, gym membership or cinema club or something she would like. You could keep out of the sitting room in the evenings a little bit more too - maybe stay in the kitchen or your room to try and give her a bit more space.

Marylou62 · 25/01/2014 19:47

Do you know everyone as much as I truly sympathyze with OP and I made a suggestion myself, I don't think the OP should be jumping through some of these hoops. As much as she sounds like an amazing nanny, If she agreed to moving room, and you sitting in the kitchen all night then I don't think she can be that good. Sorry but I am a nanny and would be mortified if my MB felt that she had to make such sacrifices. And there other good nannies out there so If for whatever reason ,she leaves, you will find someone else.

NannyLouise29 · 25/01/2014 20:59

Agreed, OP and kids are going through a tough time too. I think acknowledging that things aren't what was agreed is sufficient, little things will be hugely appreciated. No need for OP to camp in the kitchen or swap bedrooms.

When we moved house I was allocated a room. No choice, I was an employee and MB decided what was best for us all under her roof.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/01/2014 09:59

Iplayer would wake your DC? So your nanny is incredibly restricted how she can behave in her own room. Maybe it's best for her to go. I wasn't treated that way even when I was an au pair.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2014 10:13

Your children can't sleep if a tv/radio was on in another room??

It's easy enough to get another tv Ariel socket put in a room

Agree sep acc and then room in house is very diff to what she agreed to

No one wants to sit in a bedroom all night esp if can't even watch tv and chill

Does she have to live in? Can you increase her wage and be a live out nanny and she find a house share etc?

I like chatting to my bosses but comes a time when I want time out. Been working 11/12hr day and want to chill so she prob doesn't want to chat all evening

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/01/2014 11:19

You need at least provide the tv gor her and a laptop if she doesn't have one. Don't think it's going overboard especially as she was originally promised a separate accommodation. Not her fault your personal situation changed, she's not in the same boat with you. Maybe you need to increase her salary providing that the accommodation you are providing falls short of what was promised.

Thecircle · 26/01/2014 11:27

I was a live in nanny with a lovely lovely family, you sound lovely too.

I'd have a really honest chat with her, basically telling her what you have told us.

That you really want to keep her, how much you appreciate her and is there anything you can do to improve the situation for her.

If you are open and honest with her the chances are she will be back.

Good luck

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