Probably overreacting as a bit stressed, hot and bothered, but ...

[incognitotoday]

got home today after work and dd almost promptly went into a major screaming/crying fit because I told her off again for throwing the frisbee inside after already having nearly driven me insane with incessant 'how many more minutes' till the cakes we were baking are ready... that's me having been home for about 15 minutes (cakes = premix fairy cakes)

So I sent dd to her room because she'd had enough warnings re frisbee indoors and hurting people (she got my ancle)

Innocently asked my nanny whether she gets fits like that with her? Nanny said that now is just 'leaving me to it with the kids as soon as I come home because she doesn't want to contradict me'. And 'no with me she knows what she can and can't do' with a bit of an attutide. WTF?

I know we're having 'issues' atm re timekeeping/attendance but not once have I criticised in how she deals with the kids. So where the hell did that come from?

Also dd has her fits but they don't actually get her anyway except for longer time in her room or mama not being able to find dd because all I can see is the grumpy screaming little monster...

Rant over

I dont have a nanny but if I did and she said this to me I would be peeved as well. I would advise a day to calm down (and get some advice from here) before deciding what to do. I dont think the first part of what she said is so bad (but could be seen as so IFYKWIM) but the second bit definately is close to the line. I dont often read this part of the board so dont know about your problems with timekeeping etc but it sounds like that could be the cause. Maybe she felt she was scoring a few points against you in retaliation for being pulled up on time keeping, etc? Could be a good time to have an open chat, maybe she feels aggrieved about something.Good luck.

Hmm, I would have hoped for an answer along the lines of (a) actually telling you how she does in fact deal with it or (b) reassurance that your dd plays you up worse than she does the nanny. Agree that doing nothing at least until tomorrow is best.

sounds to me as though she feels that if you don't trust her in one area of her work then you probably don't in other areas either, which has affected her morale and her confidence. It also sounds as though she isn't confident enough to discuss your differences in parenting as she feels that the time keeping discussion didn't go well and perhaps she felt she wasn't listened to?

All in all you need to have an open, honest and sympathetic chat with her. If you are very happy with how she deals with the kids then have you said that?

thanks for the feedback... have been fuming lots this week re nanny

micegg, she might feel aggrieved because we actually had a formal chat on Wednesday gone about what's causing the multiple absences and what we can do as I have to be able to rely on childcare... alledgedly she saw why I was concerned about the situation. Surely not acting like it now.

Lio, wasn't planning on saying much to her about it anyhow, just had to vent instead of grabbing kids and stomping down to newsagent to buy a packet of fags. I quite smoking yonks ago but stress andthe like still gives me the urge...

mousiemousie when we did have our chat I actually pointed out to her several times that I have no qualms whatsoever the way she looks after the kids and the other things she does around the house and that my ONLY issue is her multiple absences. In the chat we had I was honest and very sympathetic but also requesting some understanding from her re the situation she put me in, i.e. I got pulled up by my boss for frequent short notice absences covering for my nanny's absences... ergo if I loose my job...

Hi incongnito!

Did you positively praise the way your nanny is with the kids - "having no qualms" isn't more than neutral in tone.

Good idea to let her know how it affects you when she is late. Did you ask if she thought there was an issue on time-keeping, and what made it hard for her at the moment?

Did you say how much you value her as a nanny but that at the end of the day the absences and lateness will force your hand into finding someone more reliable? And did you say you really want to keep her because she is so good with the kids?

sounds like she is being a tad childish then. bit of sulking because shes had her wrists slapped.

yes it does seem a bit childish.... but then maybe your nanny was hot and bothered too.

Not excusing her though..... from your recent posts she seems lucky to still have a job at all!

mousiemousie yes I did say it a bit mor positively thatn 'no qualms', i.e. very happy with the way she looks after them and the adore her and yes to all your other points

thanks NannyL, good to know I'm not the ogre I feel like. Why do I feel like I'm the one in the wrong when I'm not?

sounds like you have done everything text book style - so why isn't your nanny acting fine about it? Maybe she is just hot and tired.

I think you need to discuss it though - but try to get her to do the talking...

eg - I felt confused when you said you didn't want to contradict me...how were you feeling about things when you said that?

PS You are feeling crap because you are the only one trying to be the adult here at the moment!

From a nanny's point of view alot of the time the kids are better behaved with us but i would never be tactless enough to say it to the parents. I've always thought the most difficult thing with nannying is finding out how to get along and communicate with the parents. That only comes with experience and tbh like nannyL said i think she is very lucky to have a job at all.

If i were you i would start a search now for a replacement because if she still has an attitude after your talk which was for something valid and very important it wouldn't surprise me if she was looking for a job already. Get rid of her before she leaves you in the lurch. From what you have said on your other posts she seems very unprofessional (sp?) and i'm sure you could find someone who suits you better as you seem to be a very nice employer as you have been patient and kind in your dealings with her. Good luck.

thanks nannyj Due to the whole situation I'm actually checking out some nurseries for ds as of September when dd starts school. If I stay where I am working at the moment I'll be able to drop off and pick up dd from school and won't need anybody else to help look after her except for in holidays. Should I have to change jobs... ah well I cross that dilemma when I get there.

I really like having a nanny as the kids are in their home enviroment and have 1-2-1 attention, but... then again nurseries have their advantages too.

grrrrr she's still moping/sulking I think... barely got a 'good morning' out of her this morning. tbh I probably should have asked her 'are you o.k.' but I couldn't be f'd...

ks my fuse is generally well tempered but it's defo getting shorter

Sounds like a nightmare incognito. I have a p/t nanny. I interviewed about 8 candidates and she was the best by a mile. One of the reasons I employed her was because she has a sunny disposition and seemed level headed and not at all moody. However, she has recently been quite moody (she's split up with her boyfriend) and I've noticed she can be quite snappy with the boys. I hate it. So much so that I had a chat with her the other week and whilst praising her where I could I told her not to bring her personal problems to work. She sulked to such an extent last week that I actually said "Can you drop the attitude please? You are here to look after my sons and if you can't do that with good grace and humour then we need to have a serious chat." I was shocked at myself for saying it but since then she's been far better and she apologised for being in a mood. I've no idea how long this will last but I'm really glad I said it.

There is nothing worse than a bad atmosphere between nanny and employer. Total pants. You have my sympathy.

re the specific incident, the "leaving you to it so as not to contradict" thing sounds like an implied "I would have handled the situation differently" and "with me she knows what she can and can't do" sounds like "with you she doesn;t". As a kind of impartial observer (and as a less than perfect mum who has a nanny, and has had a difficult one in the past) it may well be the case (don;t take offence!) that these implications might have been true - but that's not the heart of the matter. what is is that she seems to be displaying a rather sizeable lack of understanding as to what it's like being a mum as opposed to a nanny, what it's like switching roles at the end of the (hot and tiring for everyone) day, and a rather sizeable failure to communicate well with you - and, quite possibly (and even worse), a failure to even want to communicate well. She might be great with the kids but imho that doesn't make up for being somewhat less than great with you. This might be temporary, due to the heat and your conversation about absences, but if it carries on I would give some serious thought to finding someone else. I had a difficult nanny for a year (again, she was great with the kids) and when I reached the stage of standing at the bus stop dreading going home to my house because I didn;t know what awaited me in the way of criticism/attitude etc, I knew something had to change. If I had that time again I wouldn;t let it get that far - cos it's a horrible feeling

piglit... I was close to the 'what's wrong with you?' this morning but just couldn't be ar*ed

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat, I know what you mean with the dread, I get that in the mornings now. Oh and I fully appreciate that I'm not a perfect mum and sometimes could do things differently/better re the kids, so per se have no problem with the criticism, just the 'tone'. Also should could just tell me how she controls them better.

Also dd seems to generally play up more when I'm around. When my father was looking after her when nanny was off sick she was fine during the day but as soon as I got home... nightmare.

And of course in nursery or when visiting one of her little friends she's an absolute angle and follows rules etc.

just a practical point - does she know who's "in charge" when both you and nanny are at home? I've always tried to make that clear as I think the kids then know a bit better where they stand. Personally, for me - knowing that they play me up more than nanny - I tell them she is in charge!

That was my point really about the criticism/tone thing - it's important, in fact essential to a smooth relationship

usually I disappear off and do other stuff so she is in charge. Also I tell the kids to go talk to her if they want anything as long as she's there. After all that's what I pay her for

oh and forgot to rant about another thing

Last week when we had our chat she said she will try and get an dr appointment for Wednesday. I said no problem. Yesterday I very nicely enquired 'did you manage to get an appointment' to which I got a dismissive 'oh I think I'll do it Friday'. Erhem... maybe should could have told me that without prompting seeing that I have to make arrangments??? Or am I being unreasonable again?

Not helping that I'm entering pmt zone

Incognito, I'm afraid I think your relationship with your nanny has passed the point of no return. Maybe you should focus on the nursery place and as soon as it is sorted, politely give her as much notice as you can. Offer to help her with her CV, tell her where to look for a new job, and be done with it. Offer what assistance you reasonably can and try to end on good terms... But DO end it.

If you have to spend all this time on mumsnet to restore your own sanity (and I have deffo been there!) then it's time to make other arrangements. After all, she is there to make your life easier, not harder.

Uwila, that's the conclusion I am very quickly veering towards to as well.

Checking out nurseries tomorrow and Thursday and hope one of them will make me go 'yes I love it!'.

I hope things improve for you incognito. I would agree that you ought to get nursery sorted asap. Can you encourage your nanny to take your children out when you are around? I've signed my dses up for all kinds of afternoon stuff so the nanny isn't hanging around the house.

piglit, nanny and I only overlap for approx 20 minutes in the afternoon so no major drama... the nursery I'm seeing Thursday said I can bring ds. Wondering whether I should just tell nanny tonight that I am actively looking a nurseries this week and let her have a decision by the end of the week... argh. Hating every second of this.