If you recognise me, please don’t out me. Apologies this is massively long!
Bit of background: our first au pair, she is early 20s first time as au pair, first ever job. Three children, some school runs by foot, some wrap around care (including for a toddler), stated 25-30hrs, all agreed in au pair contract but in reality because we are self employed and take over as soon as we are home and do every school run we can she barely does 15hrs a week and in three months she has only worked 20+ hours in two weeks, and that is including babysitting. Always has at least 2 complete days off a week.
Positives – because of self employed work, she has been pretty flexible and on the odd occasion where I have had to say to her the night before, sorry tomorrow is early, you need to be working at 6:30am etc. she is fine with it. Kids are happy in her care and I feel confident that she is by and large a safe pair of hands. If I write her a list of things to do that day (light housework), generally she does it. Keeps her room clean and tidy and the bathroom she uses. Does all own washing and ironing.
The problems – she is really greedy and it is getting me both down and annoyed. I appreciate that everyone has a different appetite but she is really quite fat (I’d say obese 5 foot 6, 14st). I serve her main meal portions as big as my husband which is fine, but she will happily then eat toast and bread afterwards. I have already told her she must buy her own treats, which again she mostly does, but often she eats the kids lunchbox stuff, and not just one or two packets but loads. I bought a pack of 10 brioche rolls for breakfast, she asked if she could have one and then in 24 hours she had eaten 7. I know it is not my children who are taking them. Half a pack of chips for lunch. Huge amounts of butter, ham, cheese, bread etc. I can buy something pop it in the fridge and find it has been eaten or half eaten when I come round to using it such I’ve not got enough for a main meal.
We had a frank chat and she brought up the issue of food and said herself that she ate too much. I said that it was a difficult thing for me to address but her food habits were not great, that she needed to drink more water, wait after finishing her dinner for it to go down properly before deciding she was really hungry, but nothing has changed. She says she wants to go on a diet but wants me to do it with her but I have little or nothing to lose! I think her eating is boredom and comfort eating and I have had lots of kindly ‘motherly’ chats with her about good healtly eating and about her life and family, she tells me I know her better than her own mother but I feel I am at a bit of brick wall and my sympathy is running out as it the money in my purse.
Laziness – when we had our recent chat I talked about the difference between working (which is mostly childcare related) and being part of the family, chipping in where necessary and frankly not treating my house like a hotel. I do not expect her ever to cook for us, nor have I asked but she has a few times and I explained that I would never expect her to both cook and do all the washing up – we should all pitch in and the same should go when I cook, she should help with the washing up etc. Mostly either my husband or I cook for all of us (including the children) or just the adults. But despite my chat and even before that she never helps. She never offers to do the washing up. She never wipes down the prepping area. I made a rather pointed comment this evening to my son who was rude and demanding at dinner time about how he had not helped at all (normally he would lay the table) and even then she didn’t offer to help with the washing up, after I had spent 2hrs in the kitchen. I don't think I am being unreasonable but tell me if I am - she has ALL her evening meals with us and yet she does nothing to help.
I also gave her a list of chores to do weekly, which she rarely does. She did one hours ironing the other day for the children and told me she was happy to do it, “not every week but every now and then” ffs.
She hasn’t made any friends despite offers from other local au pairs to meet up. She goes to school and has had opportunities to socialise but has refused.
There has been a huge amount of hand holding and mothering, which I knew I was in for and happy about, but when it comes to living in my house I am not her mother and I do not want another kid to have to run around after. She doesn’t make much mess but does leave glasses, dirty knives and dirty kitchen towel lying around the kitchen sometimes.
I have included her in all of our family activities but it has been a busy few months so we haven’t done as much fun stuff and I would have liked. I often tell her about things she could join in but she lies in til late (beyond 10:30) and I have to leave without her.
On the one hand I am grateful that she has made my life easier so I don’t have to do multiple breakfastclub/ nursery/school runs or try and get someone else to do them for me. On the other hand I am frustrated by all this other stuff and the fact that she doesn’t do as much of the light chores that I hoped she would (and was in our au pair contract).
So what to do? I wouldn't do anything until after New year but what?
Suck it up? Write a list for her every day? Do I need to tell her to buck up her ideas? I don’t think she is depressed as such, she doesn’t miss home, skypes her boyfriend and family members all day (bf was long distance anyway so moving here doesn’t matter and he is coming to visit soon). She is desperate to please (apparently) and doesn’t ever want to go home (apparently) and wants to stay in the UK long term but I do think having had a big chat and writing stuff down you’d have thought she’d make more of an effort. We said one year and longer if we agreed, but terminable on one month’s notice if it wasn’t working out. I am thinking I’d go insane if I thought she stay beyond August next year.
If I made her work 25 hours a week my house would be gleaming…