Any nannies looked after terminally ill child

callini · 2013-12-07T23:55:12+00:00

I have been a nanny for 27 years and am now in the unfortunate and heartbreaking position the baby of the family ('ive been in job 6 years) has a terminal condition. Have any nannies out there experienced this be nice to talk to someone who understands what i'm going through. Thanks.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/12/2013 09:21

How heart breaking for you and that family

I havnt been in your situation but I have worked for a terminally ill parent who sadly died leaving 2.5yr twins motherless :(

OutragedFromLeeds · 08/12/2013 11:21

I haven't, but I had a close friend go through it. She was with the family about 3 years when the middle child, who she'd had since he was 4 months old, was diagnosed with cancer. He was a good friend of one my charges and it was completely awful. I'm so sorry for you and the family. I think it was very difficult for her to strike the balance between being a support for the family and the siblings and also allowing herself to grieve.

Marylou62 · 08/12/2013 11:23

Have been an avid reader of MN but not often posted. But I felt I had to reply/support you as I had a((slightly) similar situation. Don't want it to sound all about me but will give whole story as might be relevant. I am an x childrens nurse and unfortunately have cared for babies/children who have been very poorly and died. Have also been a nanny. I became a Diana nurse some 10 years ago and met C and his lovely parents. I cared for and fell in love with their wonderful very poorly child. They had just had a baby and I became their 'nanny'. C needed lots of 'nursing' care, lots of drugs and tube feeding etc. He fitted most of the time. His sibling was a lovely easy child...almost like they knew...I also spent time with family with my own 3 children, youngest aged 7. (we live in small village). I had a terrible moment when I realized that C would die and I had introduced my 3 to that grief. But...anyway C did die a year after we met. It was horrendous and yet.....I am still proud of myself that I made a difference to the family...I fielded the phone calls/visitors to allow the parent just to be... I cared for the baby so they could spent most of the time with C. We spent time together, yes all 4 of us just cuddled up in big bed in the last day and I then put baby to bed made tea, last cuddle ...left and got call next morning to say he'd died...Heartbroken but weren't they amazing parents to share him/this with me? Continued to support them for ages....I 'lost' my job the day he died...but that was fine...he was not in any more pain and in peace at last. Anyway...I was bereft and left supporting my children through this....10 years later we all talk fondly about C and my amazing kids feel that although they were very sad, they are better people for knowing C. My now 17 year old will still call me with a wobbly voice when Cs special song is on the radio. I was in a different situation as knew C was 'life limited'. I just want to give you a big hug and say you must get yourself a support network as there will be days when you just want to talk...I had a really good friend who would just allow me to grieve but also friends who couldn't understand why I was so sad as it was 'only a job' and I knew when I started that he was going to die eventually. All true but still...It will be incredibly hard for you as you are not the parents...My Dr visiting them, never asked me how I was when he saw me later....I know at the time I was low on the priority list...But..
.It is ok to cry...I took myself off if possible, had a cry then returned...I was trying to be professional. But If you love a child it is nearly impossible...His parents were wonderful and really 'got' that I loved their child so much...they even mentioned me at his funeral...Anyway...unless you leave you will have to deal with this as best as you can...there are no books to help...I went above and beyond my role...Trying so hard not to 'get in the way' or overstep my place in their childs death...but years later they both still appreciate me being there. I am sorry this has turned into my experience and even writing this gives me a sad but warm feeling...but my heart goes out to you.x

PigsInParis · 08/12/2013 11:29

I've no experience but for you and Marylou.

Mary - you sound like you fitted perfectly in that family and are still a part of it. It must have been incredibly difficult but how lovely of you to support them so greatly during that time and it's nice to hear you are still in touch.

Marylou62 · 08/12/2013 11:58

Thankyou pigs in paris. I see them still and always text/call on anniversaries. BUT....am very aware of reminding them of their sad time...it's hard being a friend (ie knowing what/if to say/do) sometimes but they always appreciate it.

Marylou62 · 08/12/2013 12:01

Thankyou pigs in paris. I see them still and always text/call on anniversaries. BUT....am very aware of reminding them of their sad time...it's hard being a friend (ie knowing what/if to say/do) sometimes but they always appreciate it.

NomDeClavier · 08/12/2013 12:05

How awful :(

I'm sure there was someone on a nanny forum who was caring for a terminally ill child a couple of years ago. I don't know if she's still around but I can understand that you'd want to find people who have been in similar situations and it might be a place to start.

marylou you sound like you were a fantastic support to that family. Thank you for sharing that experience.

NomDeClavier · 08/12/2013 12:12

How awful :(

I'm sure there was someone on a nanny forum who was caring for a terminally ill child a couple of years ago. I don't know if she's still around but I can understand that you'd want to find people who have been in similar situations and it might be a place to start.

marylou you sound like you were a fantastic support to that family. Thank you for sharing that experience.

Marylou62 · 08/12/2013 18:51

Thankyou NomDeCLavier. (haven't quite worked out how to get 'bold') Please don't get me wrong I didn't post to get praise, altho it's more than lovely to be appreciated! I do worry about OP as this was something I had 'handled' before and went in slightly niavely but knowing death could be part of the 'job'. OP will really really need a shoulder...I am willing but don't know how to privately communicate. I think her role will be the care of siblings to help parents concentrate on poorly one. The 'end' for C was relatively quick,2 weeks but could be longer so OP must be prepared for major disruption. She says that she has been there for 6 years so I'm sure is one of the 'family'. Trying to help as much as I could but not overstepping my role was so hard. Hope I got it right and Just allowed the parents to spend time with their precious child whilst I made tea, food, took care of sibling. I found that all 'paid' hours went out of the window(it would take a hard hearted person to say 'sorry gotta go') and was lucky to have a very supportive DH. My DCs were amazing too. As sad as the whole situation was for all my family, it has made them the wonderful, caring, understanding of people with disabilities, people they are. None of us will ever forget C and we talk about him lots even 9 years after he died.

Victoria2002 · 08/12/2013 22:59

I have, I left a job to live overseas then found out one of the children was diagnosed with Cancer. I came back to stay with them and cared for the siblings at their grandparents place while the child passed away. I wish I'd come back sooner and for longer but was in a difficult situation with pressure from my bf at the time and visa issues...I had looked after him since he was 2m old and was totally heartbroken. There's lots to learn from charities & support groups on how to deal with siblings and what to expect etc. One of the saddest conversations I ever had was with his big brother asking when he'd come back from heaven.