Just endured an hour of in-laws screaming at us bc we're hiring a nanny

[eversomuch]

In-laws abroad are livid about our decision to hire a nanny. Have told us we're making a horrible decision, exercising the worst judgement imaginable, putting our kids at risk, etc. And bc I'm a SAHM, they aren't short of criticism of my inability to cope on my own.

We got to hear for the gazillionth time how they managed on their own w/ 3 kids under 4 w/o any help from their massive extended family. Apparently, going to the grandparent's every weekend for a home-cooked meal and, I'm sure, the chance to let ext fam play w/ the kids for a couple of hours didn't count as help.

We have no family in the UK. Good friends live on the other side of London & aren't available to help. We've luckily found some ad hoc help from local au pairs, but we're still largely in survival mode w/ a 1yo who rarely sleeps during the day & is up several tomes a night, and a 2 1/2 yo who can be v helpful w/ her little brother but is still only 2 & also very volatile.

I am too often sacrificing quality time w/ them in order to do laundry or try to make a decent home-cooked meal, etc. DH & I have zero quality time together. Zero.

I know we're in an incredibly fortunate position to be able to hire help, even if it may be only for a few months. I know a lot of people would kill to be in my position, able to be w/ their kids 24/7. We're not "leaving" our kids to be "raised by strangers", as my in-laws say. And we recognize that they're simply concerned for the kids' welfare. We've explained that it'll be a shared charge situation, but they just see it as "extreme". No one they knows ever had a nanny. You just get on with it by yourselves.

It's actually DH who really pushed for a ft nanny; I was reluctant & happy to settle for some pt help, until I met a wonderful nanny socially & saw how amazing she was with her charges. When I found out she was job hunting, it seemed the perfect opportunity to give it a go.

We've offered to introduce them to the nanny when they come over for Xmas (she doesn't start w/us til January), but right now they're refusing, saying they wouldn't be comfortable. They'd rather just keep imagining a monster.

I suppose this is mostly just a rant/vent, but if anyone has been through similar, I'd be curious how you dealt w/it. FTR, I usually get on just fine with them.

Make it clear to everyone over Xmas that the subject is taboo. That includes MIL cornering your partner on the sly. DO NOT invite nanny round. I understand your feeling your in laws must come for the holiday, as they aren't otherwise able to see you all. However if you are to have any kind of Xmas, this topic must be out of bounds. Send them a letter/email stating your reasoning and make them aware that if they want to come they must respect your wishes.

Aw, thanks memy for defending my backbone. I'm not actually from the sort of background you describe, but it was thoughtful of you to remind us all of the diversity of posters here and the importance of trying to understand where someone's coming from.

To clarify, we did not offer to introduce them to the nanny as any sort of "approval" process. We're finalizing our contract this week and IL's reservations about the matter will play no part. I think they'll definitely cool down by the time they get here. If there's any possibility that they would be rude to our nanny, then of course, we wouldn't let them meet her. I really don't think that will happen, though.

They are very loving GPs who adore our DC (their only GC). We understand that their concerns have some validity -- it's always a bit scary to entrust the care of your children to a stranger. There is always an amount of risk. But we do object to their questioning and criticising our judgement, as if we haven't thought about these things ourselves.

However, we do get along with them and are not going to cut them off bc of this disagreement. They are just going to have to learn to live with it. That said, I did tell DH that we might suggest they reconsider their visit if they're still going to be confrontational about this. I really don't think they'll risk losing the chance to see their GC, though. We know it's hard for them being so far away and not seeing them more than twice a year, except for Skype calls. As I said in my OP, we do get along; this issue, though, has apparently hit a nerve.

As for my backbone, we made it clear that yelling was not going to be tolerated. They settled down a little (with occasional relapses), so maybe it wasn't a full hour of yelling, but it was more than enough and, overall, a very unpleasant conversation.

Luckily, DH is the most rational, level-headed, unemotional person on the planet, so when everyone else gets wound up, he's pretty good at calming things down. That should prove useful when the ILs ask about guardians and we tell them we've chosen friends here rather than family there. Or maybe we won't tell them (I know that's what a lot of you are thinking!)

And I am still super psyched about our nanny. :)

sounds like you have found a solution that suits your family, i imagine that you have thought and talked about it a lot. i think therefore you don't need to defend your decision to anyone including your in laws or parents.
i think you said they want the best for your dcs but i also assume you do and as a sahm you will know your children best you will certainly know what is best for them.