DS1 not settling with childminder - please help!

[Joiedevivre83]

Hi there, any advice very welcome please....
DS1 is nearly 1yr and has been going to the CM 3 consecutive days for a few weeks since I returned to work. I drop him off, DH picks him up. We're still breastfeeding morning and evening (and all night sometimes!). 1st week DS went on strike and refused to eat or drink, 2nd week started to drink a little bit then take some snacks. 3rd week, got croup so had to keep him home, this week seems like we're back to square one and then some! DS is crying for more lengthy periods - 2 hours yesterday :( today I picked him up early. He's more distressed and waking more at night too. He'll then be fine-ish for the rest of the day but not want the CM or any other children to touch him (so likes to be in the pushchair or highchair) but cries if the CM leaves his sight, smiles and plays with her if I'm there with him. DS1 was the same with MIL too and we had to do quite a few sessions with her before he accepted it, now he gets excited when we get to Nanny's and can't wait to be put down to play. I'm wondering whether we do shorter days for a while, maybe I'll hang around for a few sessions. All of this would probably be unpaid though as leave is diminishing fast! So, any suggestions for a plan of action? Struggling to know what is best, absolutely hate leaving him upset and would stay home if we could afford it...worried this is being harmful to DS?

What does your cm suggest?

I wouldn't recommend hanging around - its likely to make things worse - my best tip is swift drop off and pick up from door and always be very positive about cm to ds. He is at an age when he will pick up on any negativity or ambivalence you have about leaving him with her.

The fact that he cries when your CM leaves his sight is a good thing imo, as it shows he is attached to her, emotionally if not physically. It is also quite common for babies/toddlers to prefer in a strange place to like to be in a safe and cosy zone such as their buggy. In her position I would let him do that a lot of the time at first, though sitting by him and playing with him, then progress to letting him sit on the rug alongside me, letting him make the first moves to come for a hug or sit on my lap, and letting him see that the other children do that all the time. I agree with Reet that hanging around yourself is likely to prolong his settling in, especially since he will pick up on your reluctance to leave. A few familiar things from home might help though - a muslin you have worn as a scarf overnight will hold your special smell all day, a favourite toy, even a little photo album with pictures of the family can all be quite comforting. Going away for a week or more, either on holiday or even more so if unwell and therefore getting a lot of Mummy attention, will often put settling in back to square one. That is why many CMs and nurseries may be reluctant to have a baby only once a week as they are then in almost permanent settling-in state as they do not really remember a week ago.

I think you just need to give it a bit more time. The missed week has probably slowed things down. Also having three consecutive days means that there is quite a long gap each week when he doesn't see the childminder. I would give it at least 4 weeks (not counting the time before the croup) and then reevaluate things. He will probably be much happier by then.

You need to give it more time, as he's in prime separation anxiety age group.

Thankfully from your replies everyone; some really good suggestions. Fingers crossed for the next few weeks...:)

My 10 month old ds was so unsettled for the first two weeks at his cm we had to have a discussion about other options as she was at her wits end - all he did was cry all day and was upsetting her other mindees. I was devastated as he is such a friendly sociable boy. He goes 3 and a half days a week. On the mon of the 3rd week I felt awful as I left him convinced I would be looking for another cm or nursery ( although I really didn't want the nursery environment for him). Anyway when I went to pick him up cm told me he had been great and every day has been better. We've just finished week four and he's really happy. Hang in there!

DS started with the CM at 11mo and first of all refused to eat whilst he was there and then refused his milk and then refused to sleep... You name it, he refused it... Then gradually it got better, he still shouts when I leave him in the morning, but I hear him laughing as the door shuts...! Keep goodbyes brief but cuddly and stay positive with him always. I always tell him where we're going as well so it's not a shock. I think DS just doesn't like me leaving, but loves his CM so as soon as I've gone he gets on with the day! Good luck it will improve

Thank you, your replies and experiences are really reassuring. I can't wait for the day when I hear him laugh as the door shuts! :-) thank you!