Au pair? Or not fair?

[redsky]

I'm thinking that an au pair might be a good idea for us. At present we live in a flat above our pub and childcare has never really been a problem as, even if we are both working we are on site, or if we are both out (rare) there are always staff dd can go to if needs be.
In September we are moving into our new house next door but one to the pub. But dd who will be 14 in August is worried (quite rightly) that there will be times when we are both working and she will be on her own. We will have a spare bedroom in the new house so I'm wondering if an au pair would be a good idea. A bit of light housework would be a huge benefit to me, she could have at least 2 days off a week, but I would like her to be around in the evenings. The down side is that after 12 years in the pub dh and I are desperate to get some privacy and be able to eat what we want when we want. So dh is not keen on the idea but I understand dd's concern.
Could I expect the au pair to disappear to her room when we are around - or is that unreasonable? Could I expect her to cook her own meals sometimes if we ate at the pub?
Also weekends are our busy time work-wise but I couldn't really expect her to stay at home on Saturday evenings - could I?
What do you think?

I have found with all my au-pairs that the one thing you must do is write everything down before they come so that they know what to expect. That saves arguments later on. If when you advertise for an au-pair you make it plain that you would like someone who is going to be independant then she will probably be happy to go to her room when she finishes in the evening. You must let her know that this is what you expect. Most of the girls I have had have always gone to their room or gone out in the evening, without me specifically saying that is what I would prefer and it does work very well. If you need her to stay every Saturday night then you have to say that up front and write it into her agreement. She is entitled to two full days off but they do not necessarily have to be at the weekend. How far away is she from then nearest language school and bearin mind if she doesn't get to go out many evenings it could be difficult for her to establish a social life and that would mean she would be home all the time. So you have to strike the right balance.

Make sure also when you advertise that most of her work would be housework as in my experience a lot of APs don't like doing that and dont do it properly either. As long as you leave meals for her to heat up or put together herself that should be ok providing she is reasonably competent in the kitchen. However, she is meant to be one of the family so I think you should be prepared to schedule at least a couple of meals where you all eat together or you will never "gel"
It can be done but it needs thinking through and setting down in writing properly.
Good luck

I have no personal experience of au pairs but thought that the deal was that you provide the experience of living in an English family. Company, conversation, meals, etc. In return you get incredibly cheap labour.

How would you feel if your dd went to au pair for a family overseas and they treated her the way you are proposing to treat the au pair? I'm not sure I would be that happy with a family who gave my daughter a home, expected her to be a companion to their child and then told her to go to her room when they came home

I know that the idea is that an au pair lives as part of the family, but I am yet to meet one that does. I had a couple of au pairs when my LO's were younger and found them through an agency. I discussed the going to their room thing and was told that this was perfectly normal and actually the truth is they often don't want to be with you at nightime to a young girl you are old fogies. They still learn english because you are sharing a house together. We had an arrangement that they babysat two nights per week, which it rarely ever was and that a max of two Saturdays in a month. In the end we'd all just negotiate - if she had something important on we'd work around it and visa versa.

If I were you redsky I'd call an agency and ask them what you've asked us, they'll soon tell you if its reasonable or not.

Never had an au-pair yet that wanted to spend much free time with us.

We always find that putting a computer (with unlimited internet access), TV, DVD player and stereo in APs bedroom does the trick every time!

Impossible to tell. Our last au-pair sat with us every single evening and never missed a meal with us. She also became very adept with the remote - DH & I normally don't have the tv on at all unless there's something we want to watch and it used to drive us mad having to sit through episodes of Friends & Extreme makeover every evening......TV, DVD, Playstation in her room made no difference... then au-pair before that never came out of her room. If you pay the cheap wages for an au-pair I think you do have a moral obligation to welcome them fully into family. Good compromise is to get one who is studying or wants to study locally. That way they willhave homework and stuff to do and will keep out of your hair a bit more...