Should we keep this ‘au pair’?

[starrystarrynights]

Ok, I don’t want to drip feed so apologies if this post is very long…

DD is aged 9, we have had au pairs since she was 5. Most have stayed for a year –and we have had great relationships with our au pairs and keep in touch with most of them.

We took on an au pair in the summer. There were many problems from the outset, the key one was that she may not have understood English very well i.e. forgetting to pick DD up at school because she had not understood that a play date was cancelled, asking me what DH had meant when he’d had a simple chat with her. There was a mix up every other day for 2 months, I was quite patient until she locked herself and DD out of the house 2 times (and let herself back in with a coat hanger) and another time she went out and left the door wide open! It ended quite badly with her bursting into tears saying that she could not meet my expectations, I wanted too much from her and that I had not been fair :(.

I’ve felt guilt since she has left because she really did struggle and I do think she tried to do a good job.

We looked for a new au pair and a female whose boyfriend lives very close by applied. She is very academic (3 degrees) and works from home 4 hours a day in her field. She was looking for a job where she could interact with people and sold herself as a ‘tutor-au pair’. She was upfront that she was not great at ironing (something our previous au pair did do for us) but that she would be happy to help out with DD’s tea/keeping her room tidy etc. We offered her the job because we liked the academic side of things and to be accommodating we increased our cleaners hours to do the ironing.

So a month has passed and it really feel like hard work. Something goes wrong more than weekly – homework is handed in late, they get on the wrong bus so miss the swimming lesson. AP is either untidy or I need to lower my standards – leaving her washed clothes in the washing machine for 3 days so the machine smells :(, taking things out of drawers and forgetting to put them back. The pizza she popped into the oven for DD was half uncooked when I came home – DD was eating it and it was just soft dough - she admitted that she and her boyfriend eat packets of noodles and don’t iron I’ve not yet seen the ‘tutor au pair’ side of her and DD has failed a spelling test as she was learning wrongly written down words which the AP doesnt seem to have checked. On the plus side she and DD seem to really like one another.

So it is me? Am I expecting too much from these girls and need to lower my standards? I’m loathe to begin looking for another au pair having just recruited this one. I’m wondering if I was just lucky with the au pairs we had before who were clean and tidy and more organised and that this is the expected standard.

The only thing that is keeping me holding onto current AP is whether I give her another month to show her ‘potential’ on the homework side of things. She is from an English speaking country which could be really helpful from a homework front as DD’s homework possibly becoming too difficult for a non-English speaker to grasp.

I’ve asked her if I can have a chat with her at 9 tonight but haven’t a clue what I’m going to say..

I'd say getting places on time, getting the right buses (after being shown by you), remembering keys, being able to cook basic meals (with instructions/after being shown by you) and tidying is all reasonable. Maybe you need to manage more actively though - eg. lists of things to do each day/week, going through them each time you come home.

I would expect anyone could have a go at ironing, though maybe not do it well.

Not sure about the tutoring side of things though. Maybe you need to sit down and discuss expectations?

Sounds like maybe you do need to be more on top of her. Did you not notice the washing in the machine? Did you tell her after that incident that she needs to deal with her washing immediately? Have you explained that she needs to pre-heat the oven etc?

Au pairs are essentially babysitters not nannies, so most are going to need a fair bit of management rather than hitting the ground running.

Thanks Hettiene, ap is 32 almost the same age as me. She has run a household when she was in a relationship previously so did not want to micromanage her but your point is a fair one.

I can and should keep a closer eye on her and discuss expectations. To me keeping on top of her May have been construed as controlling when she is an adult but at the moment will give anything a go!

I think it worth giving it more time but as the other poster says you need to be more specific.

Maybe younger APs have had less time to develop their own way of living/managing their home and therefore fitted into "your way". Whereas she has developed her own way which is at odds with what you (reasonably) expect etc.

Good luck.

Having three degrees (have you seen the certificates, you can buy these things on the internet) does not necessarily make anyone a good teacher. And at 9 your daughter does not need an au pair with a degree in Astro Physics accompanied by a Law degree.

Surely what you and your daughter need is someone with some common sense and practical skills. Sounds like you were over influenced by The Three Degrees.....

I think a 32 year old with 3 degrees is not really ideal au pair material. I mean, why would anyone like that be content to be an au pair, living in someone else's home and being paid very little money? Why is she not living with her boyfriend and using these degrees to work (I know you said she works from home part-time)? I'm afraid I think you would be better off going back to the drawing board and getting and younger aupair like the previous ones. You have one unfortunate experience and probably jumped into this arrangement without really thinking it through. If you have had good au pairs in the past, you will find them again!

I think it's easier with younger au pairs because you have to mother them more and it's easier to transmit your values to them through that relationship. With older, more independent au pairs used to living away from the family unit, there's a big adjustment period for them and the relationship is different to begin with, potentially fraught with unease and making it harder to get them to frankly to do things your way.

My worst au pair was the oldest- it turned into a battle of wills between her and me about how I wanted DD3 brought up. She had to go- it wasn't healthy and she wasn't happy. Not sure she'd really thought through the implications of living in a family environment again tbh.

Has she ever had a job before or just a professional student? She sounds pretty hopeless.

amother- sadly there are tons of very over-qualified young Spaniards presenting as au pairs as the economic situation is so dire in Spain that they simply can't get any job at all, never mind one not suited to their qualifications...

no. don't keep her.

if she can't understand what you are asking her to do, one day a simple misunderstanding could turn into a major deal...

that said, when I was working as an au pair, I did get locked out of the house once and me and the middle child had to break in.

being an au pair is not a hard job... tiring yes, hard work yes, but if day to day tasks are frequently "misunderstood" it could pose a legitimate danger.

I don't think that this arrangement sounds good. You wanted someone to help your daughter with schoolwork as well as doing the usual au pair duties. I don't think it is right to expect an au pair to help with school work, tbh, no matter how many degrees she has.