Advice please - DD loves nanny but DS doesn't

[ekkiethump]

We have a new nanny that has been with us for a few months now. My 2 year old daughter loves her and jumps off her seat to greet her and drag her off to play.
My 4 year old son says he doesn't like her and always tells her to go home. He has recently started school so not been around much to bond but in summer when she was with us he didn't seem to have much of a problem with her.
I think he is jealous cos nanny spends loads of time with DD but we have had 2 other nannies before whom he has loved but it has always been more about him than DD as she was only little at time and tagged along to groups etc
Things complicated by fact that DD has cancer and having chemo at moment so things do revolve around her a lot and think DS feels that.
But also nanny doesn't help cos she is lovely and smiles to DD and then says hello to DS in very reserved way and doesn't seem to try to engage with him full heartedly but she is properly fed up with his behaviour.
We have intervened and told him his behaviour is not on and also discussed with nanny our concerns but she thinks he will be ok and it is only when we are around.
Don't know what to do. Keep going and hope he comes round or start looking for another as DS just as important as DD despite current situation?

It really doesn't sound like it's the nanny's fault tbh, more a symptom of the unsettled home environment. I don't think another change would be helpful.

I would try and facilitate the nanny spending one-on-one time with DS to encourage bonding. Half term is coming up, could you send DD to a relative/friend for the day and get the nanny to take DS somewhere special?

I don't think telling a 4 year old, who is obviously coping with a lot, that is behaviour is 'not on' is that helpful. Instead ask him why he doesn't like the nanny, what could she do to help him, what does she do that he likes, can he pick an activity for them to do together etc.

I would believe the nanny when she says it's only when you're around, lots of children are like this. They don't dislike the nanny, they dislike you leaving.

Disclaimer: I know nothing about Nannies or children in general (only have 1, 20 months), but could he have realised that Nanny coming equates to Mummy leaving? So if she went home then you would stay?

I'm so sorry about your DD and I hope she is responding well to treatment and will be ok, it's a horrible time for all your family and maybe your DS is struggling to understand it all. I presume you (and your DH) are taking DD to hospital appointments etc and maybe it's just that he misses you. Not your fault clearly, but I can imagine you are struggling, so it must be hard for him too.

Sorry if any of this is totally off the mark and I really hope your DD is better soon.

I agree with your nanny - I think he will be absolutely fine.

I'd stop making an issue of it with your son - just ignore his behaviour,
he'll come round eventually.

Maybe he's noticed he's getting more attention from making an issue of not liking your nanny. He'll be tired from starting school etc.

Hope your DD gets better soon.

Thank you, that helps. That is what I was thinking but thought I was maybe being mean making him stay with nanny when there has been so much going on.
Next week we are in hospital twice so have organised nanny to take him out on fun day trips and hopefully will come round.
DD will be ok one day but just crap at the moment.

Hi
Agree he probably doesn't like you going. Why should he, a four year old is too young to think of the bigger picture. And nanny is probably telling the truth when she says he is fine when you go. Yes one to one with new nanny will give them a chance to bond. Best wishes to you all btw.