to au pair or not au pair, that is the question....

[redheadmum]

hi, I have a 1 yr old and a 3.9 yr old and am wondering whether to get an au pair to help me out. (I''m thinking that s/he would start in Jan so baby would be 18months, older one 4 and a bit)

I'm starting my own business and work from home, I was working with the baby but he's too old now and I need som eone to have him for an hour whilst I teach (in the house)

We have no family that can help out, and my husband works long hours and goes away a lot. Frankly, I could also do with a bit more help besides work.....

I'm finding it v difficult to get affordable and flexible childcare that would fit in with my freelancing, and thought an au pair might be a good idea.

My husband is not too keen, as hates the idea of sharing a house with someone....we are just getting an extension done in the loft so there should be a bit more room.

what are people's experiences? what should I be looking for? pros/cons??????

I think an au pair would be a good solution for you.

Normally au pairs don't look after babies for long stretches, but if you are in the house, then this would be OK.

If your au pair goes to language classes, you need to prioritise this time, so it may not be as flexible an arrangement as you might like. I think it works best if you can give more-or-less fixed hours.

Having an au pair is not a long term commitment - you could always try it for 3 - 6 months and see what you think.

I think if your dh is against it, though, that's a big problem. It's his home too.

It is also a bit the luck of the draw..a young au pair can be a bit like suddenly inheriting a stroppy teen who stays out late is totally unpredictable or they can be fantastic

I can work my hours when I want to as it's my business, so I could probably fit in with language classes....

I don't see her looking after the baby on her own in the house...I will be around or maybe picking my other one up from nursery (5 mins down the road).

I agree, I need to get husband more on board - am worried if anything goes wrong he'll just say 'told you so'! not great for our relationship.

I'm just stumped for any other way to get care that I can afford. It's also difficult to afford childcare for 2 with my business in it's infancy.

my feeling is that he won't have that much to do with her!

he only ever gets in at the absolute earliest at 7 and will do a bedtime story for the oldest, but this is not guaranteed, so really he misses the whole day with the children. he's mostly around on weekends when I assume the au pair doesn't work.

I also w ondered whether you get to interview the au pair before you take them on? I'd want to meet them and do some kind of selection process after the agency put forward names.

I live in London - any recommendations for agencies?

oh yes, ks how do you work o ut how much housework your au pair does? did you say from the start I want you to do x and y each week?

how did you set rules about boyfriends, going out etc etc?

A telephone interview is fairly standard, but you wouldn't normally meet them until they come to stay.

I used an agency for my first au pair. It wasn't a good placement, so no guarantees there. Now I just use Au Pair World (an internet service), and have had good experiences with my own screening. I like my au pairs to be quite young (eg 18 - 20), and to have lots of interests so that they can occupy themselves in their free time. Having younger siblings is good too.

Before you start looking for an au pair, you have to decide what you want her to do, so that your expectations are clear from the start.

Hi redheadmum. I think we were on the same antenatal thread, but can't remember if it was may or june. I think an au pair is an ideal solution for you. We got our first live-in nanny when DD (now 3) was 14 months old. DH travelled for work. Still does. At the time he worked in Ireland and would fly out Monday morning and return on Friday evening. He too was not so keen on the idea of live-in help. But, I was on the verge of committing myself to local looney bin. So, he gave in and we got a nanny. All I can say now is THANK GOD. I've had some struggles. But, I couldn't possibly live without one now. No way no how.

To be perfectly frank, I think your DH is being a tad selfish. After all, he isn't going to do the work of hiring, managing, disciplining, and God forbid firing. I've done all these things for 2 years now. sometimes it is very stressful. Sometimes I could ring her neck (not the current one!). But, at the end of the day, I SOOO do not miss the childcare run.

By the way, I have a questionaire and a contract which you are welcome to. Oh, also I strongly recommend you post a thread asking people about Au Pair House Rules.

As for Agencies, it is my firm belief that they are most certainly not worth their fees. Check out greataupair.com and gumtree.com (or possibly gumtree.co.uk).

Last but not least.... GOOD LUCK!!

hey Uwila, yes we were on the same ante natal thread - June

thanks for the offer of copies of contracts etc will CAT you if I need them.

glad you say you were going mad pre-nanny....I feel that I'm going potty now I've been off for a year or so and doing it on my own.

I do remember your nanny struggles though!!

I have a new one now. She started when I finished my 3 months of maternity leave. I am happy with her. If I say give them eggs... guess what... she does. It's lovely!

BTW, DH has come round to living with the nanny, but I still have to do all the communicating. One time recently forget what it was about DH called me at work to tell the nanny something, so I called her mobile and called DH back. DH and nanny were sitting in the same house but I have to do the talking.... you'd think he could get up and walk down the hall.

By the way, you will be taking on the additional work of managing an employee, which is not always fun. But, then, she can do the kids' laundry and that is a huge plus.

You are of course welcome to CAT me whenever you like.

So, how's your little one? Mine has really curly hair and he is alovely little angel compared to his crabby big sister who is never happy with me. Last night she either lost her cookie or forgot she ate it all, then came in the kitchen and accused me of stealing it and then proclaimed "That's rude!". I tried to explain that I was an innocent victim and had not touched her cookie. But, she wasn't having it.

ha, ha! love the cookie story! I meant to say in my last message it was good to hear from you, I got distracted by mayhem (as per).

My little one is beautiful, he is so loving and gives me lots of cuddles and kisses (which my little girl never did - apparently boys are like this?!) And yes, my older one bosses me about...today she was mummy and telling me off - you musn't do this to the baby etc etc!

yr Dh story also sounds sooo familiar...I do all that kind of thing already will one more make any difference? especially if they really do help me out.

I still feel a bit nervous about sharing the house but gonna do as you suggest and start a ground rules thread.....I had a girl from a local college come round for work experience for 3 months and it has worked out very well and that has given me a bit more confidence of how to direct someone and what I need - will keep you posted!

Redheadmum, did you post a thread about ground/house rules? Am I being stupid and missing it? We have a Spanish au pair. She's here for 3 months via Aupair World. I didn't want to commit to something longer than that 1st time round. I also work from home and have a dd who's 19 months and a ds who's 13 weeks. She's very sweet with them and clearly adores babies which is fab as my ds has been very difficult with reflux. Her English isn't great but I speak Spanish which definitely helps! She's been here 3 weeks and what's clear is how much I've learnt in that time about what not to do next time round. I'd also be interested in house rules. Some people I've spoken to have very clear boundaries ie they make it clear that they don't expect to see their au pairs after a certain time in the evening etc. We wouldn't feel comfortable doing that and anyway the house is too small ....! But she seems to have no concept of giving us some space. If we need to speak to each other it has to wait till we're in bed as that's the only time in the whole day that we're alone! And she's so slow it drives me bonkers, and seems incapable of using her initiative. Oh dear that seems now like a big moan. I'd just be interested in hearing other people's experiences. I think I've made a mistake in being too friendly and now find it hard to pick her up on things. I know it's about finding a balance. I'd also be interested in seeing your contract and questionnaire, Uwila, if that was alright, give us some guidance for the next one.

Hi Cloudberry. Why don't you take her to dinner on occassion and have a sort informal review of contract, duties, etc. Maybe (if you give her sole charge from time to time) you could get her to take the older one to the park when the little one slepps giving you (and DH?) a bit of peace in the house. Or maybe you could buy her some movie tickets as a nice gesture. Sounds like she may need a bit of encouragement to get out of the house. She might have some fun, and you might get a small break.

I think it could work well for you redheadmum. I've had great success with my aupairs. I find as long as you are realistic in your expectations & choose carefully it works well.

I have very clearly defined house rules & an equallly clearly defined list of the help I am expecting. It is a good idea to be very specific up front, to avoid misunderstandings.

hi Cloudberry, I've just come on to do the house rules thread.

what I learned from my 'work experience' placement was that I had to be quite directive. In the beginning I was saying, can you change a nappy, would you like to bathe the baby etc etc. As time went on and we got used to each other she used to do all that on her own initiative. i guess there needs to be an initial 'training' period where you both get to know each other and what you expect.

ok CB have done that thread 'house rules for au pairs' lets see w hat c omes up!

incidentally, think my dH is coming round to the idea on some level (is it because I'm wandering around like a wild woman screeching help me!?)

as an addition to expectations of what the au pair could do....I recently did a presentation to a group of 17/18 yr olds...I thought I'd remembered what it was like to be that age, but clearly I'm getting old now and had no idea! I was surprised at just how shy they were and reluctant to speak out. I was chatting to the teacher afterwards and she was saying that that age group do need a lot of direction initially at least. So maybe same for au pair?

ps sorry if totally incoherent ds got up at 5.30 this morning and I was out late last night banking on his new sleeping habits - fool!