dynamics not working. CM needs advice!

[topoftheladder]

I have taken on an extra boy after school and it has completely altered the dynamics that i had before - for the worse. I have decided i need to give notice, but feel really worried about how to tell mum who is lovely and who i see quite often. Please give me some guidance!

In what way has it altered the dynamics? Obviously you can't technically dismiss someone because they want to do 'boy stuff' and everyone else wants to do 'girl stuff' for example, but if he is rough or boisterous etc you may need to find other ways to occupy him. I'm sure there are subtle ways you can give notice if you feel that is your only choice, but unless he really is causing trouble, not just 'changing the dynamics' then I think you may be a bit unreasonable.

Hi there. Basically he tells lies to get others into trouble, which causes upset. He doesn't share and will not play together but has to make teams against each other, which ends in tears. Of course i have been trying to handle this to the best of my ability, but i am finding it really stressful and my own dc are unhappy.

I wondered if it was your own DC's he had upset. It's always much worse if its your own who don't get on with or a mindee winds up one of your own.
Obviously it's never nice when children don't get on, but it's your own children's home and sanctuary. It is of the downsides of minding. I currently look after a 5 y o girl who deliberately winds up DS2 (4) he dislikes her now as a result and they are always fighting!

You can't very well get rid of your own DC's. So the naughty child has to go. If he was a friend of your children's and behaved like that you'd never invite him back would you. But for some reason if we get paid to look after them we feel we should put up with that kind if behaviour. I know I do.

Plus in this politically correct world we should almost accept these behaviours shouldn't we?

Some children are very competitive, and some even try to get an edge by fair means or foul. I have had one or two very competitive youngsters to care for, to the point that they couldn't seem to get interested in anything unless it was a contest. My approach was to give them a challenge, say a treasure hunt or a modelling contest, but make sure to give praise and rewards for a whole range of successes - best colours, best design, best teamwork, best following instructions carefully etc to get across the message that there are all sorts of ways to succeed and everyone can be a winner. I also give them tasks to do against the clock or against their own previous "personal best" so competition doesn't always have to be against anyone else. Might be worth a try to see if you can redirect some of this energy.

I once gave notice to a child because it just wasn't working out. I used to dread having to collect him from school and it made my life very stressful. He was very boisterous and would break things and call my own children names. It was super difficult telling his mum so I can totally understand how you feel. In the end I told her that I was giving notice because I had taken on too much work and was struggling to cope. I couldn't bring myself to say that it was due to the child's behaviour.

Thanks for the replies. I feel so worried about talking to mum, but also very guilty about the impact this is having on my family. My eldest dc went to school upset, youngest was in tears last night along with another mindee i have had for a while. Do i phone mum up or wait until i see her? I think i need to just say i am struggling to cope with the numbers rather than negative stuff about her dc.

Yes I would make an excuse IME parents don't like being told that you won't look after their child because they can't behave.
Happened to me, and the mother and children still blank me at school.

I've just had to give notice in very similar circumstances. I put off dealing with it because I knew the mum quite well, but eventually it came to a head & I had to give notice. Didn't go down well but was definitely the right thing to do for all concerned, dd much happier, other mindees happier and I no longer dread working.
Fwiw mindee was unhappy and played up at two previous cm and after school club, so although I feel like I failed her, I think she'd be unhappy in any childcare setting, tried explaining this to her mum but don't think she's interested in my opinion.

Just tell her that you're really sorry but the child dynamics aren't working and you have reconsidered the maximum numbers you can cope with. Ask her to find alternative care and give her a month

I told her i had taken on too many kids etc. She is very annoyed and dropping the child off without talking to me. Meanwhile, dc continues to upset the other kids and i am at the end of my tether and very stressed out. I feel so guilty that i have inflicted this on my own dc. TBH it makes me want to stop childminding altogether.

Well if the mum is that rude then it's no wonder her Dc is disruptive. You've done the right thing for your own DCs and the other mindee who was upset.

Actually, I can understand the mum being annoyed.

She doesn't know her child is the problem. She was only told the CM took on too many kids. Her reaction is understandable.

I agree with everyone that you made the right decision, Op. Appreciate you couldn't tell her the real reason. How long is the notice period? Bet you're counting the days!

Instead of labelling this child as naughty and putting all the blame on him and his mother, have you considered that it might be you and your environment that is causing him to behave like this?
He is obviously not getting all of his needs met. Maybe you need to look at how you could be meeting his needs better.
I find it unthinkable that anyone would just write a child off like this.
I understand you work from home and you have your own children to consider, but, childminders claim they are childcare professionals just as much as nursery workers.
Excluding a child because you don't like him or you find his behaviour too difficult to deal with is not very professional.
I'm not knocking childminders, I think that it is a very difficult job. I just feel it would be better for all concerned if the op tried to work with the child and his family.

Did OP blame the mother?
It was me who used the n word crossed out.

OP thinks that she had taken too much on, that is up to her. Her house her rules.