Worried about au pair?

[threeisatragicnumber]

Our au pair has been with us for a month now. My concern is that she basically locks herself in her bedroom for days at a time.

This weekend she went up there on Friday at about 6pm, and other than to pop down for meals when I knocked on her door, she didn't emerge again until this morning (Tuesday) when she was back on duty. Not once.

Should I be worried or is this normal?

Whilst I appreciate her desire for her own space/room etc I kind of thought she would be interested in seeing London (its her first time here), getting out and about, meeting people (I have put her in touch with lots of local au pairs), and generally doing stuff. She is our first au pair, so I'm not sure. When I ask if if she's happy she says yes.

I would be worried too. Is she very young? She might be terribly homesick. Could you ask her to come on a small daytrip? Park or museum would be good. Does she chat normally at meals?

Is she attending a language course or has gym membership where she could make her own friends rather than just those you point her to? Did you show her around London? Does she know how to get to places? Does she have any particular interests -maybe you could point her to some places that could interest her? Do you invite her to participate in your family life during the weekends or you expect her to entertain herself?

I'd check in on her as others said especially if she has not lived outside her family home before and could be homesick or shellshocked.

I have had aupairs that did that some (not all) weekends. They were perfectly fine in their room. It could just be normal for some aupairs.

She is 26. She speaks pretty fluent English so no lessons required. I'm conscious of this, so I've been keen for her to do other things and meet friends in different ways. I have signed her up for the gym, and initially she said she was going to go every day but she has only been a couple of times. I've also signed her up for the library etc and given her a phone, Ipad etc.

We really wanted her to be part of the family, so we've taken her along to family events (where she didn't really speak to anyone despite everyone trying really hard with her), and I've shown her round the local area and generally how to get around London.

I also bought her a guidebook and have offered her our free passes to get in things like galleries etc.

When I interviewed her she said she liked walking (we live on a walking route and next to parks and woodland), and I also gave her some of our walking books for trips out of London, but she never leaves the house.

She doesn't really chat much.

We are finding it quite stressful having somebody in the house with the door shut all the time three days a week, and not sure what to do for the best.

She is used to living abroad, she spent a couple of years overseas before she came to us.

It seems this is just the way she is. So either come to terms with it or look for somebody else. When I looked for au pairs I avoided those who spoke fluent English as I thought they wouldn't really get much out of the whole experience (they may well come to get a proper full time better paid job). Being an au pair is all about practising/learning a foreign language and getting to know a different culture, having fun and making friends.

Why are you finding it stressfull?

I am a live in nanny and some weekends I do lock myself away in my room because my friends are busy, I need to re-coup after a busy week etc I fancy a lazy day with the tv/dvd box sets... think of the times you've spent a weekend at home - you have several rooms to potter in - we get just one.

Not stressed per se, just troubled and worried that she isn't getting anything out of it, and isn't enjoing herself. I completely understand the need for private space and wanting time to yourself after a busy week, but to never, ever leave your room for three days a week when there is a whole new world/culture out there to explore?

Also, we really wanted the cultural exchange to be a two way thing, and for the family to learn more about where she is from and her traditions etc.

Still if she says she is happy I guess we just have to take that at face value.

Sounds like that is just the way she is. She could just be an introvert.

Are you an extrovert so worry she is not getting the full experience if she does not get out? Introverts enjoy their own company so I would not worry.

You just have to decide whether you can live without the ‘member of the family’ experience. FWIW, the weekends where my aupair met up with our family have always been a bit stilted for her and them. Beyond polite chitchat, there really wasn’t much to say. After the initial fiction of including her in these gatherings, I think both she and us heaved a sigh of relief when we went our separate ways on weekends. If she is 26 and she chose to hang out with someone, I doubt middle-aged parents with families is her idea of fun. No offence to you but I would think that way at 26 about my family too.

She might just like being a hermit. Does she know the house rules - so can she plop down on the sofa and watch tv with the family?

She may just prefer to have a line between on and off duty and hasn't made lots of friends/got into a routine yet.

I'm a confirmed introvert and that really wouldn't worry me. She sounds pretty independent so if she wants to do something she'll probably go off and do it.

I do agree about the language point though. It's almost like there's no incentive for her to spend time talking to you or going out and doing stuff.

Its a bit strange to me. Even if she has no friends yet she could go walking on her own for example (assuming its safe enough where you are) or go to visit some attractions like the galleries in London. Is she skyping in her room, watching TV or something? What were her reasons for coming to the UK to be an AP? She could be anywhere in the world hiding in a room so she doesn't seem to be getting much out of the experience at the moment. I would be concerned that she won't last long if she doesn't get out and about in her spare time and develop some interests, find a few friends etc. I would probably ask her directly if everything is OK, is she feeling homesick etc.

What nationality is she? Have you put her in touch with someone (au-pairs) from her country?