Aupair with wrong attitude......

[Rachelger]

Hi all,
I am new to Netmums and I hope you can help me with some advice.
I have 3 daughters 7 y old and 4 year old twins.
I have a new aup since September. She's 21 v outgoing and bubbly. When she joined us end August I wasn't working yet as I am a teacher and she used to hang around a lot and tell me what she does on her nights out how much she drinks etc.. Which I found odd but I didn't say anything as she just arrived. As soon as she arrived she told me ab this concert she is going in nov but that it won't affect her work as it's at night and asked me if a friend can stay over for 2 nights and I said yes.
Couple of weeks later she asked me if 2 friends can stay over for 5 days another time and I said that it might be difficult as I am away around that time and I was planning to book her for bbsiting on the week end to help my husband. She said that's fine she can take the girls that sat or wend no problem will fit her friends around it.
Suddenly she just mentions that for the concert she will need to leave at 6( she works till 7) for 2 days. She also suddenly can't help my husband on that week end as she's out with her friends!
I was then tough on her and said she will need to find a bbsiting if she needs to leave early as her social life shouldn't affect me.
I just feel she just arrived and I feel she thinks she's there to help out abit but we shd give her all she requests. Also everytime I show her someth around the house that she hadn't done properly she gives me a pissed of look!
What do ppl think?

Oh I have the same problem, I have just posted something similar. You are so right she is there to work and if her work does not Finnish until 7 doc her an hour and say you will need to bring someone in to cover her hours but she will not be paid. Mine has just started an English course and it is only one night a week but I told her that I can't take one of the nights off she needs. Now it is like havering a stroppy teenager in the house. She is my third and to be honest my last. I really do think some AP think us mums can't cope without them and and we should be thankful they are there. It is a job. I'm sorry to sound harsh but I have had enough of putty footing around mine invade she leaves. I franckly could care less anymore.

I would get rid of her asap. I am now looking for aupair no.11 so I like to think I can speak with the weight of experience behind me. I have had the good bad and the ugly.

The most important thing to a successful aupair relationship is the attitude and personality of the aupair. So long as you have that, things can improve. But in this case, your aupair's attitude is that she is here to have a good time and her aupair work has to fit around her social life. If she is like this in her early days. Think of what she will be like later. She has to give you ample notice if she cannot make her contracted hours and she is taking the piss by not telling you when she first asked for permission and only informing you at the last minute so you scramble around. Your house is not a hotel. All my aupairs have been respectful of the family's house and only bring one friend (female) at the time, introduce them and they generally only stay the weekend. If she wants an open house, she should look for a live out job.

As for giving you a pissed look, words fail me. Nobody looks at their employer like that when their employer is pointing out how they can improve and not expect to be fired. Fire her. She is daring you. She is so new she is probably still on probation.

The minor inconvenience of finding a new aupair is no comparison with the peace on earth of finding the right one. I have previously had 3 duds in a row before getting there, but it is worth it.

Are you in London or a big city? You mentioned concerts. If so, it should be fairly easy to find a new aupair.

I'm sorry but I think this is very frequent type of behaviour of au pairs (I have had au pairs myself). They come to have fun, learn the language and experience a different culture. They are supposed to be a part of family and treated like one of you. She's behaving like a stroppy teenager and you have to deal with it just like you would with your own child. I found that it's far easier to use a childminder and get professional care than deal with all the drama au pairs bring.
And to 'everytime I show her someth around the house that she hadn't done properly she gives me a pissed of look!' I'd be giving you the look too if you kept finding things wrong all the time. You want better cleaner? Get a professional.

I think you were a bit unreasonable to just expect that she will babysit at the wkends, without asking unless it was agreed prior that she would do wkends as and when you needed. But once she said yes to it she should of stuck to it-or said she couldn't at the time.
But expecting to finish at 6 instead of 7 was wrong. Though the person who was saying about their au pair wanting time to go to English course-I thought part of the deal was you gave them time off to do so

Lovelynanny, not all aupairs are like that. There are girls who are only 18 but who are respectful to the family and do an honest days work without any stroppiness. Usually they will be good at either childcare or cleaning but not both (so as a host family you have to decide which is more important) but I have had aupairs that are good at both.

The key to finding a successful aupair, is not so much in the hiring as in the firing. If it is not working, I will start performance managing almost immediately and consistently. If I get stroppy looks (and I never really got that with any of mine), I know for sure this one either won't stay or won't improve. So I give her a decent chance to improve and then tell her she has to find another family. Onwards.

It is possible to get a good one. But you might have to kiss a few frogs along the way ...

Thx for that
As regarding the bob siting on week end that was agreed on before as a one off
I will have a chat with her today and explain

We're Mumsnet by the way.

Agree with bluehoes. My best APs have only been 19 and have shown a level of maturity and professionalism beyond their years. I'm more than happy to have AP friends over or give her an extra hour off here and there, but this is ONLY once I am fully confident they have demonstrated willingness, a good work ethic and attitude. I also find it a lot easier to start out tough with tight boundaries at the beginning and then relax them later on.

If your AP is pushing the boundaries now, she will be MUCH worse later on.

Unfortunately i do think that hiring APs is very much a lottery. When you get dud, it is emotionally draining. However when a decent one comes along, it really is a great experience for both families and APs.

How many hours per week childcare and other duties is she doing for you?

I was au pair for 4 years with wonderful English family......we never had a problem ...... We always found a way to fit things around us......I was grateful for them to show me the life in London a teach me everything....they were as my second parents.....they treated me as part of their family......we still visit each other after 8 years ......never ever had a better job as with them......sometimes I can't believe it when I read the posts about aupairs and how rude they are with their hosts families......I think it does really depends from what background they came too.....and if they do this job just because they need to or they genuily love children......

Ragusa she does 30 hours for 90 pounds plus 2bbsiting
Mainly 7-9 then 3.30 7 not all days as i work part time

I think everything about her behavior is off except for getting stroppy about having her "mistakes" pointed out to her.

Get a new AP with a better attitude but when you do, decide which things matter (e.g. the dishes loaded properly in the dishwasher so as to get cleaned) and which things don't (e.g. how she folds the girls' clothes) and try to give your new AP a little space to do her tasks her own way. No one likes to have their errors or shortcomings pointed out regularly, especially when they are really just minor differences in style without any real consequences.

Hard one for anyone outside the family to judge, I think.

It sounds like you had a firm arrangement for the weekend in question, arranged months in advance. In which case, yes, she is being unreasonable.

Do you let her know clearly, and in advance, what hours she is going to be expected to be available to you? If so, then she should also have the courtesy to agree in advance when she's going to be committed to you. If you have a more flexible arrangement, with you calling on her 'as and when', then I think you also have to cut her some slack too. If, for example, you're expecting babysitting at short- or no-notice, then I think you cannot expect much in the way of accommodation from her, either.

Pointing out mistakes and her getting cross... depends what you're pointing out and how. If you're doing it nicely, and it's stuff any sensible person should know, then she is obviously being unreasonable. If it's stuff that you're being picky about, then maybe not so unreasonable - see, it's impossible to say without knowing more context.