Ok wise cm - advice please!

[fivesacrowd]

Have had mindee since May, term time only. Is in dd class at school and since they went back to school in August, mindee has been a nightmare in class & here. She's constantly trying to get dd & others in the class into trouble, throws tantrums at school, has been "yellow carded" several times etc. Here, she arrives, goes & sits in playroom, ignores any other children that are here and despite me constantly trying to engage her, doesn't join in. She also told her mum last week that I don't feed her, which just isn't true - although she's 10yo old so I do expect her to be able to help herself. Difficult home situation, mum single parent, dad abroad, no siblings, spends a lot if time in adult company.
When she started with me, I wasn't sure about taking her on, she was in dd class and I knew she'd already been at 2 cm and afterschool club and been removed from them all.
She gets dropped off just before my older dc leave for school, so I've no time to chat in mornings and often in evenings, she's not picked up by mum or is but not til 45 mins late & I'm trying to feed my lot - so haven't had chance to talk to mum - then this morning she asked if I could set aside some time on Thursday for chat. So, it's coming to a head - wwyd?

Not a CM - but a gran who has seen a fair bit

The school issue is a school issue. I assume you included it for background, but if not - I would touch on it with Mum. If your DD is being affected by things, then talk to the school, don't address it on Thursday.

Re her behaviour at your house. First, I would wait to hear what Mum has to say, first. There may be some surprises., or you may need to address a particular complaint that you don't yet have an inkling about.....or she may even have sought professional help for her child and want to talk about it with you. Wait to see.

If it IS issues with her care, then all you can do is be honest with her and tell her that her child doesn't want to engage at all, but does not exhibit any destructive or unpleasant behaviour when with you. It might be helpful to add that, in itself, this doesn't cause you any stress (I am assuming it doesn't, beyond the fact that her withdrawal is a worry).

Tell her that the child is given food in the same manner as the other children, but that you might be happy to specifically serve her child biscuits on a plate at the table etc if that would help?
Is there a possibility the child has ASD ? - in which the 'help yourself' may not be something she copes with well?

wouldn't touch on it ....not would!!!!!!!
grrrrrrrrrrr

School issues come home with them though - 10 years olds don't forget things once the bell goes, so it is stressful for everyone esp as even when dd not involved, mindee tries to get her onside after school. Her behaviour does stress me out, she won't engage but will remove baby toys from babies so she can play with them despite me providing masses of stuff for her to do, age appropriate toys & games etc. I've tried playing with her and taking a back seat, neither makes a difference.
Think I need to give notice - it's been coming for a while. Much prefer babies & toddlers - so much easier to understand.

I would wait and see what the mum says.

I wouldn't bring up the school issue, that needs to be dealt with in school.

If she wants to play with baby toys then let her! She shouldn't snatch, but if, for whatever reason, she wants to regress for a little while then it's not a problem. Who knows what goes on/has gone on at home. Why push her into 'age appropriate' activities?