Worried new nanny has lied to us

[fantalemon]

Our new nanny has been with us for about 7 weeks. It's her first nanny job and our first experience of having a nanny so its a learning curve for us both. We have an almost 4 year old and a 1.5 year old.

Whilst, overall, things seem to be going well, I have had a few minor concerns, e.g. Children not going out much during the day (and some days not leaving the house at all), but now I have reason to believe she lied to me about having taken our youngest to a toddler group.

Once oldest went back to pre school a few weeks ago, I told her about the various groups that were on for her to take the youngest to and that we wanted her to go to (we give her money for them). Something just sounded a bit amiss when I've asked her in the evenings about what they've been up to and I have since found out that she hasn't taken DD2 to a group after telling me she had (am 99.9999999% sure she didn't go). I don't expect her to do any cleaning, washing or really even any cooking so am at a loss as to what she does until she picks up DD1 at 1pm. I don't see any evidence of painting, drawing etc...

I had assumed that coming from a nursery setting she would be keen to get out and about rather than be contained in one room all day but I am fast getting the impression she is far happier spending all day at home. I am very keen for DD2 to be getting out and about interacting with other children.

Any advice on how to play this? Not sure whether to let her know I know she has lied or instead to make it crystal clear she HAS TO be going to these groups. I do have some friends who would be able to let me know if DD2 is not going but not all the time. My fear about mentioning it now is that it might affect our relationship but them if I don't and it happens again then I never brought it up at the time.

Thank you.

How about asking her to take some pictures of DD at the playgroup? Say you'd really like some images of her playing etc?

I wouldn't accuse her of lying, but I would come up with a timetable for your DD of which groups you want her to go to and when. Maybe also ask her to plan an activity at home every afternoon, and get a nanny diary for her to fill in about their day.

If she is quite young, coming from nursery and in her first nanny job she may just not be used to planning her own time and need more management.

That's a good idea thanks although I would have to ask her to take photos everyday - although perhaps that's not too burdensome

Does she do a brief daily diary type thing for you? Maybe arrange for a chat/review of how you both think things are going, and emphasise you expect her to attend these groups.

Wouldn't your line manager point out if you were not doing one of the tasks you are employed to do? You are her line manager, don't be scared to spell out your expectations

Good idea about the nanny diary, I will definitely do that. I think she does need more direction/management and its partly our fault for expecting her to just hit the ground running when she is young and has never nannied before.

It's a big change going from working with colleagues, loads of policies and a clear line management structure and daily routine to basically making it up as you go along. Not everyone finds the switch easy.

Could you let her know that you have friends going to a lot of the groups, e.g. ask her to look out for x mum and y child. Then she is more likely to feel compelled to go as someone else will know. Once she gets into the habit of going she may be fine.

I would watch v carefully though - an out and out lie from my nanny would worry me a lot as you do need total trust.

I think if you are almost 100% sure nanny has lied to you then you must have an upfront discussion with her. It's pretty fundamental that the person entrusted with the care of your children doesn't lie to you surely?

Part of my thinking in her going to these groups as well was to meet other nannys etc but I think she must prefer security of being at home. I think we need to help her structure her day more as we have just been letting her decide what to do. I just hope I can be sure she does not lie to us again,

I had assumed that coming from a nursery setting she would be keen to get out and about rather than be contained in one room all day

I would have assumed that she would prefer to be in one room all day - that is what they do in nursery, they don't go out that much usually.

Never assume though, this is the sort of thing that I feel should have been discussed at interview stage. If you want them to take children out and about, then you need to make that clear and encourage her to do so - she may be very shy and not want to go to groups where she does not know anyone.

Lying is an issue, tackle it now. Talk to her, tell her you do not think she went to the group. Photos can be useful, though you may get a few some days and none on others, as it is not always possible to take photos when out and about (I go to one group where cameras are not permitted - though we could take a picture in the carpark).

Does your nanny drive to activities? The mileage log will help identify what they do during the day.

I don't expect her to do any cleaning, washing or really even any cooking
Why not, are they not part of her duties? Start as you mean to go on, whilst you may not want her to be scrubbing the toilet, you may want her to be clearing the ongoing mess that children make in the house. Children's washing quickly piles up, bedding needs changing, a nanny is supposed to make your life easier, so look at your written agreement with her - what was decided would be required, is that working, do you need to make some changes. It's a learning curve for both of you so things will change over time.

Thanks nanny nick (and everyone else). What I meant was that I assumed (perhaps wrongly) that a strong motivation for wanting to leave a nursery setting to become a nanny was the freedom to set your own day, get out and about, fresh air etc. I have now drawn up a timetable and also thanks to the helpful suggestions here got a diary for her to fill out (only briefly).

She is a very kind natured girl and I am worried about confronting her with the fact I knew she lied. I was wondering whether perhaps a more indirect way would be to remind her to sign the register at the groups "as I noticed you had not signed into group x....". Do you think that is subtle enough to alert her to the fact I know she hasn't being going?

i was going to ask you how you knew/thought she hadnt 99.999999% been to a group, and was going to say check the register but assume you have seen the register

its essential she does sign in as if there is a fire then they will go by the register who is there/out/safe etc

is she using kitty for the groups?

You could write the toddler groups etc in the diary, so when she opens it in the morning, she knows what to do. You could also maybe include things like change sheets, clean Lego, or whatever until she gets into the swing of things.