Kicking myself re new au pair - advice please!

[fistfullofnappies]

Our au pair left today, and a new one is coming tomorrow. She is 17 years old (coming for the summer only). I've emailed with her, and talked to her on the phone, and she comes across as level-headed, conscientious and intelligent. She goes back to college in September.
Anyway, tonight, I phoned her to get the exact time that she will be arriving tomorrow, and got her mother, for the first time. Her mother was ever so nice, and then dropped into the conversation, that she had also booked a plane ticket, as the opportunity to have a weekend with her dd was too good to miss, and could I recommend a hotel near our house!!!
I was completely taken aback, and on the spur of the moment, said But of course, you must stay with us! Instincts of hospitality made it impossible for me to callously recommend the expensive hotel at the end of the road.
Suspect I am about to be had. Mother is now going to have the chance to inspect everything, and advise her dd to leave if all is not to her liking. If she is not a realistic person, there is a good chance that I will be without an au pair on Monday morning.

She may just want to see if I have a live in boyfriend who will assault her dd, or she may be an over-protective nutter who cannot let her dd get on with her life.

I am well pissed off and kicking myself for not thinking of a better reply. Does anyone have any ideas about handling this?
At the mo, my first idea is that they will both be on the plane home if I have any nonsense.

I once had an au pair with a nutty mother before, it all ended in tears. Coincidentally, they were from the same country, and I have a horrid feeling of deja vue.

[helsi]

It's your house - ring them back and say having thought about it you feel it would not be such a good idea for her to stay as you feel your au pair should settle in easier or that you won't have time or that you feel that she would be more comfortable in a hotl etc and give her the number of the hotel.

[fistfullofnappies]

oh god I am such a coward. Difficult to explain in another language (she doesnt speak english).


If she asked to have a female friend for the weekend, Id say yes normally. Hadn't considered the situation of her MUM coming to stay.

[fistfullofnappies]

I doubt my children would behave like angels for that long fio!

We are in a new flat, there is very little furniture, we don't by any means live in luxury. I have had au pairs looking down their noses at us before now, and making it clear that they despise our way of life, and I suppose I just feel, oh god, here we go again.

[SecondhandRose]

I agree with Fio, she is just checking her daughter is going to be safe. Wouldn't you? Chill out and don't worry.

[fistfullofnappies]

##thats just it, rose - I wouldnt go to the lengths of travelling to another country with my dd. If I was that worried, I wouldnt let her go!

[SSSandy]

She already had her ticket booked though, where was she planning on staying? - With you obviously. She would have gone to the airport to pick up the au pair and lo and behold, you'd have had to do something about the mother, since she hasn't organised a place to stay.

Don't like the sound of that. What country are they from?

[fistfullofnappies]

thats it sandy - she put me in a situation where I had to ask her.
I dont think the country is relevant though. It is a big country

[MaryP0p1]

Not being funny or anything, if I were sending my 17yr old dd to another country I would want to KNOW everything is A okay. Especially since alot of these sex slave scams are done through using au pair jobs as front. When speaking to the mother please try to ensure she knows her daughter is safe and not about to disappear!!!!

[SSSandy]

Well you have to just make the best of it now I think. Feel sorry for you.

If they're from Russia, you could have a fun weekend ahead... There are some countries (Eastern Europe particularly) though where young women get these offers to work somewhere in summer, think it is all above board and then it turns out they get forced into sex slavery. Just my guess, if they're from Eastern Europe, that the mum wants to be very sure of what dd is getting into. Understandable really. I'd do the same in that situation.

It's just a job for the summer, so what would be the point in them leaving again? Difficult for the mother too, since she's partaking of your hospitality.

[SSSandy]

oh snap Mary P, crossed posts..

[Chandra]

I think you are making too many asumptions, and tbh, is not that the woman planned to stay with you, you invited her. FWIW many people buy flight tickets in advance and then book the hotel (I do it all the time as it's easier to find a reasonable hotel than a drop dead cheap flight).

If you are not so happy, just stop get worked out about this, find a reasonable hotel or 2 (not too far not too expensive, you can check in Lastminute.com), and ring her saying that after you offered your house you realised that there would be not so much space, you have other visit staying that weekend (that hypothetical visit may cancel at any time ), etc. and in order to make her stay more "comfortable" you have found such and such hotels.

I think it will be OK, at the moment the poor woman should be thrilled about what a nice woman her daughter is to stay with but may be that she would preffer the privacy and freedom from other people's needs a hotel stay allows.

[hattiel]

i agree that the mother is maybe reassuring herself about her daughter and will pleased that you are a nice family.

However, i would not be comfortable with Au pair plus mother. I find it very stressful for the first few day when a new A-P arrives...from my experience the kids behaviour is at is worse and it takes a week for this to settle down

If it was my house, Au pairs mother would be relieved about staying in a Hotel after first encounter with my kids.

[southeastastra]

it's a risk you have to take really, i would be worried, but then if my daughter was going to another country aged 17, i would be worried.

there are probably alot of horror stories about people working in the uk. i would be welcoming and see what happens

[SSSandy]

Ok you've made bad experiences with au pair mothers before. What went wrong then?

Now, for the positive side: You have a positive impression of the au pair herself and that is the most important thing. Her mother being there will help ease her in to her new surroundings. It's a shame you can't communicate directly with the mother, but then again that could also be a blessing.

So she'll be in your home for 2 days. Plan ahead a bit now and structure that time, so it doesn't end up getting you down. Just little things, walk around the area you live, go to a little teashop, leave her to do some shopping with dd and pick them up 2 hours later. Take them to one nice place of interest near you if you want to.

If I were in the aupair mother's shoes, I would be most interested in seeing that the woman she was staying with was warm and kind and that my daughter was being treated like an elder daughter and not a maid. That's all really. Hope it goes well for you. Good luck

[fistfullofnappies]

wow, thank you for all your opinions!

chandra, I only invited her because I was manouevred into it. IMO, it doesnt count as an invitation if you phone someone up and say that you are coming to their town, and can they recommend a hotel near their house!


Misgivings, I understand. But I find pursuing your child to their place of work, to ensure that its suitable, weird. O god, I made a mistake recruiting a 17 year old. But she seemed so mature.

sandy, Im a single working mother. I dont even have a car! or spare time to entertain my au pair's guests.
(Im not as heartless as that sounds btw - the place where we live is a huge tourist magnet, so AP's generally have a great time in their leisure hours)
dont want to identify myself with the story of the previous mother, but she was as mad as a bag of snakes.
I will make the best of it, as you suggest, but only because I am too chicken to tell the woman to get a life! Am about 80% sure that I will be Au Pair-less come Monday. Ah well.

[fistfullofnappies]

wow, thank you for all your opinions!

chandra, I only invited her because I was manouevred into it. IMO, it doesnt count as an invitation if you phone someone up and say that you are coming to their town, and can they recommend a hotel near their house!


Misgivings, I understand. But I find pursuing your child to their place of work, to ensure that its suitable, weird. O god, I made a mistake recruiting a 17 year old. But she seemed so mature.

sandy, Im a single working mother. I dont even have a car! or spare time to entertain my au pair's guests.
(Im not as heartless as that sounds btw - the place where we live is a huge tourist magnet, so AP's generally have a great time in their leisure hours)
dont want to identify myself with the story of the previous mother, but she was as mad as a bag of snakes.
I will make the best of it, as you suggest, but only because I am too chicken to tell the woman to get a life! Am about 80% sure that I will be Au Pair-less come Monday. Ah well.

[Chandra]

Erm... when I ask for hotel recommendations to people who are not my friends that's what I get (And I would hate to stay with them as well, I don't fancy sharing my holidays with strangers TBH) ... and that's what I offer to people I don't know well. I think the idea of the scheming mother is slowly growing in your mind, she may be all those things but I think that you are building your own monster in your own head.

I come from a culture where people has to repeat the invitation 3 times before you can assume is not just a question out of politeness. DH comes from a culture where people says what they mean. Perhaps she may be worrying at home that if she had say no she might have offended you and could have caused troubles for her DD?

[fistfullofnappies]

it was loaded though, because her dd is staying with us as a member of our household, and therefore has some right to ask if she can have guests.
if it seems as though I am creating a monster...it is because I have had too many au pairs, and a good percentage of them are weird, one way or another.
You can try to weed out the weirdos with quizzes, etc, but they all know what they should say to standard questions. What you really need to ask are stuff like "is your mother a nutter who will text orders to you every five minutes from her home country?" and "Will you be bursting into tears on a regular basis and hog the computer until physically ejected every night?"

[littleA]

Sorry,but i'm not really getting this...
You are concerned about what the girl's mother will think,so ok,fair enough,but something here tells me you might not be offering a very good deal to the au pair-it's just that she doesn't know it yet.
Maybe I'm wrong,but something stinks.
You're not one of those employers who makes their au pairs work from morning till night for next to nothing,are you?

[Chandra]

What I can't understand is why, after having so many dreadful experiences with au pairs, do you insist in having one.

[Earlybird]

Umm - you weren't maneuvured into it....she asked for a recommendation (perfectly normal thing to do in an unfamiliar place), and you volunteered your home. And now you're having second thoughts about your impulsive offer.....

Think you need to take a deep breath, as you're coming across anxious,suspicious, and even paranoid... as they say in America, chill out!

[doobydoo]

My friend had the mother and father of her nanny staying for 4 days!,it was fine honestly.
Your bad experiences have obviously made you anxious but it might be ok.
I expect an aupair is the best option for you,especially if you are a single mum.Have you had any good ones?
I am thinking when i go back to work about employing an aupair.
Don't panicand do let us know how it goes.

[Caribbeanqueen]

Agree with Earlybird, you were not maneuvured into it, you offered.

As for telling the woman to "get a life", that seems a bit harsh. I agree with the other posters - if my dd was going to another country to live with a family at 17, I would definitely want to know that everything was OK. I would also prefer to stay in a hotel as opposed to a foreign family I had never met!