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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Would you worry about this?

23 replies

HomerPigeon · 17/09/2013 14:25

FB status update from new (arrived 2.5 weeks ago) AP: "When you get home, beat your children. If you don't know what they've done, they do." Posted in her native language (translated by me using Google Translate).

Background is that the AP, while seemingly OK on the surface (clean, tidy, gets up on time) seems to have taken a dislike to my children. Having asked them to correct her English if she makes a mistake, she complained bitterly a few days ago that they corrected her all the time. This makes her "feel stupid". She's also complained about the way other people (strangers) speak to her, which also makes her feel stupid. She says "everyone in England is so rude".

We have had a review meeting in which I commented that she seemed unhappy and asked her if she felt perhaps au pairing was not for her and said that if she felt she wanted to go home, we could work something out. She was horrified at this and said she wants to stay (but I suspect this is because she has just signed up for a term's language lessons).

The children initially liked her but, having sensed a bit of an "off" attitude from her after the first week, have been more reserved with her. They are 9 and 11. She left her previous AP job, with younger children, because she found the children (aged 5 and 3) "naughty" and ill-disciplined by their parents and "thought she was better suited to older children" (because she could speak to/reason with them more easily). I took her on despite warnings on MN (different username then) as we met in person and she seemed perfectly fine. I could understand that some people perhaps aren't suited to looking after young children, but now am wondering whether actually she's just not suited to looking after children at all.

The FB status update just struck me as really off, particularly given her apparent state of mind. Even if you were posting something like that in a jokey way, would you do it 2 weeks into a new AP role knowing that your AP family would see it? Not sure if I should say something to her about it or not. How long do you allow for a "settling in period" before you decide that it's just not working?

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OutragedFromLeeds · 17/09/2013 14:49

'would you do it 2 weeks into a new AP role knowing that your AP family would see it?'

Does she know you use google translate on her FB posts?!

Original poster

HomerPigeon · 17/09/2013 14:58

I'm not sure that's the point is it?

She knows I know a few words of her language. Which was enough for me to not like the words "beat" and "children" enough to Google Translate the rest.

Or would it be ok to joke on a public internet forum about beating children so long as the mother of the children you look after didn't find out?

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/09/2013 14:58

I'm sorry, but snooping on -a FB status, going to trouble of translating it an having you and your kids correct language would make me a "bit off" too.

Original poster

HomerPigeon · 17/09/2013 15:03

Erm, I have translated it today. Her behaviour has been going on for 2 weeks. She does not know I have translated it. The reason I translated it was because (1) I recognised the essence of the statement, which I did not like and (2) in the context of her apparent unhappiness and dislike of my children, the statement struck me as not a good indication of how she is with my children.

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Original poster

HomerPigeon · 17/09/2013 15:04

And it is hardly "snooping" if she posted it as her public status and we are FB friends so her status appears in my news feed!

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Flicktheswitch · 17/09/2013 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/09/2013 15:06

I expect this is just what you get with an au pair. They often don't have local friends, miss family back home and in fairness get paid very little because food and rent is all included.

It's been two weeks, she probably a bit lost and lonely. And be honest, how are your kids with her?

I ask this because I've met some au pairs and the kids were awful to them. Taking full advantage of the lack of language and the knowledge there wasn't really much they could do about it. Do you see how the kids are with her?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/09/2013 15:08

Of course some will be fab but there's. I denying the whole thing must be very daunting for theme

Original poster

HomerPigeon · 17/09/2013 15:11

I did like her, until she made it clear she had a problem with my children. Then I spoke to them and her about how she felt and suggested we all try hard to accommodate each other. But she wasn't having it: it wasn't anything to do with her, it was the children. She said they did not like her. Actually they did like her, but after this they now feel aggrieved at being accused of being "unfriendly", so the atmosphere is now a bit terse.

I knew there would be a settling in period and am just wondering if it is ok for an AP to make such clearly hostile statements about both the family and the country she is in at an early stage, whether that's just her adjusting or whether perhaps I should have paid more heed to the fact her last family asked her to go.

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ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/09/2013 15:14

I think it was very unwise of her to post it knowing you would be able to see it.

I also think it's unwise for you and her to be facebook friends. You are her employer. It will never end well.

It wouldn't overly bother me though (especially with children the ages of yours, who are well able to tell you if they Au Pair is being unkind or whatever) I was brought up in the 70's and 'jokes' like this were a part of life really

However, if in general she's not what you want, make it clear that at the end of this term (as she has paid up for the language school and she isn't actually beating your children) you will be doing a review and may wish to end this arrangement then.

Original poster

HomerPigeon · 17/09/2013 15:15

Wheresmycaffeinedrip I took the first week off to settle her in and the kids were fine with her - really happy to have her actually. It was when I went back to work the first signs of dissatisfaction (from her) started.

I had showed her how to make AP friends through the FB page already, so she has a group of new local friends, and she has also signed up for English lessons (which I told her about and helped her enrol for). I have given her a large bedroom, nicely furnished, she is invited to join in all family activities including meals both in and out. The kids behave normally with her - mostly they are good kids but of course occasionally they need pulling up on things. However, everyone who knows my kids comments on how pleasant they are - they are just not the kind of kids to act nice for show and then be nasty. And she only has to look after them for 90 mins a day! For which I am paying her £80 a week, which I think quite generous.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/09/2013 15:16

People don't just dislike children though. Something must have happened.

I get there will be cultural differences of opinion depending on where she's from, and its most likely a miss understanding due to language barriers but something must have happened for her to say that.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/09/2013 15:16

I think it is just a clash of cultures :)

Us Brits are very reserved and many other cultures are far more 'plain speaking' ...

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/09/2013 15:17

What I mean is there are insults and words in this country that would be taken as a joke but that have harsher meanings in other countries.

GladbagsGold · 17/09/2013 15:19

She sounds bloody awful. I don't care what background/culture etc someone is from, if they are doing a job which involves childcare, and they don't like the children they are caring for, its time to get rid.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/09/2013 15:23

She certainly seems to have a very good deal with you :) and you seem to have taken the time & care to settle her in. The children, I'm sure, have been nice too.

Her mistake was to ask them to correct her english... kids will do that if asked and not especially tactfully or 'only occasionally'.

It's a shame she was so bullheaded when you tried to sort it out.

How are the kids feeling now?

Do you think you could explain to your children that part of the reason for you having an Au Pair is to learn about their home country, their language and their culture - and in what ways that is different to our own. The fact that a lot of other people in the world are far more 'forward' than we are here when it comes to speaking.

Idespair · 17/09/2013 15:26

Get rid. She doesn't like your dc so I wouldn't allow her near them.

Original poster

HomerPigeon · 17/09/2013 15:28

When I have said to her that she seems not to like my children, she says no, it's that they don't like me. When asked why she thinks this, she has said:

"when you (I) tell them what to do, they do it, but when I tell them, they don't. Therefore, they don't respect me as an adult but I am the adult and they are the children and they have to do what I say. But they don't, so they don't like me. "

I pointed out that I tend to have to tell the DCs to do stuff a couple of times before they do it and perhaps she just needs to be a bit firmer - they are kids after all. Then I spoke to them and told them to do as told by her.

She also gave the example of them correcting her English all the time. But I have heard her asking them to correct her. I even said at the time that this would become tiresome for her, but she insisted. Later she complained about the WAY they correct her, which is not "gracious" enough.

AIBU to think that if you're looking after kids you need to take on board that kids are kids, and will not necessarily always behave with the tact and grace of an adult but that does not mean they intend to insult you or cause offence?

I just think all her reasons for thinking the kids don't like her are very childish (she is 26). And the kids were genuinely because they did like her well enough but now feel she doesn't like them. Self-perpetuating cycle.

I don't know what to do really. I don't want her to be unhappy but am not going to tell my kids to tiptoe around her sensitivities as I don't think they've done anything "wrong". And she says she doesn't want to leave. But it's hard to see how things will improve if this is how she feels so early on.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 17/09/2013 15:43

So basically she finds them rude disobedient and did respectful.?!

Well I'm not sure that you can physically change someone's interpretation of someone else's behaviours. That's her opinion , be it right or wrong.

Feesibly you can maybe give her time perhaps to realise the English way is different to what she's seen before and hope that as she attends to these language classes she becomes more able to understand what's being said and learn the tones of voice and expressions.

NomDeClavier · 17/09/2013 16:28

Yes to be blunt, I would.

It's not what she said but her attitude to children and the whole experience. She might have her own expectations, that's fine, we all have them but she isn't open to what your standards of behaviour are and how they may differ from hers which is where the rude/disobedient/disrespectful thing is probably coming from.

Now you can warn your children to adapt to the AP or she needs to adapt to them or she goes. Only you can talk what will work.

grabaspoon · 17/09/2013 18:30

I showed my boss a picture I had found amusing and posted on a friends fb wall - it was a funny picture about a child having a tantrum but wasn't particularly pc - not sure what that says about my nannying ...

mikulkin · 18/09/2013 15:29

I think you are being very nice to her to even start the discussion with your children about obedience. Children are children and they don't do things straightaway. And your DC know her for 2 weeks only. When my previous AP said that DS doesn't listen to her instructions straightaway, I explained to her, that it takes me the same time to get him to do things and she just needs to be patient and not take it personally. Obviously I constantly say to DS he should listen to instructions prompty but that concerns instructions from both of us.

When it comes to correcting language they all ask for it but then get irritated because children are doing it in a very direct way. I told my DS that despite our AP asking to correct her language he shouldn't do it and only explain to her how to say words if she asks about concrete one.

Since your DC are 9 and 11, I wouldn't worry about beating comment, but if you were looking for smb who would be a big sister for them, she is defo not the one.
On a separate note, I wouldn't really be friends on FB with my au pair.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip, you cannot change one's opinion, but people who dislike children on such a basis should not work as au pair. You are really being unhelpful here and implying that OP's children have done smth when she clearly explains they haven't, is not really nice

Original poster

HomerPigeon · 18/09/2013 15:54

Thanks mikulkin. I have done exactly as you suggest and said to my kids never to correct her any more unless she expressly asks how to say something.

Since yesterday morning the AP has been more "normal" and brighter in mood - not sure whether this means she has registered that she pissed me off royally, or whether she is quietly looking for another job. Either way, I've decided just to be quite businesslike and pleasant but not bend over backwards to accommodate her. We'll see what transpires.

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