AIBU to expect my AP to keep her room tidy?

[Metrobaby]

I know it is her room, but as it my house I do have an expectation for my AP to keep her room relatively tidy. My latest AP has been here for 2 weeks now, and her room is an absolute mess. There are so many clothes on the floor you cannot walk, and there are dirty plates and glasses. I have a cleaner who comes once a week, but she won't be able to clean and hoover her room if it is like that!

YANBU to expect her to keep her room clean. That means no dirty plates/cups, no old food, rubbish taken out and dusted/hoovered once a week.

Other than that I think she can be as untidy as she likes. So she can keep her clothes on the floor the 6 days a week the cleaner isn't there if she wants, as long as she picks them up so the cleaner can clean. If she then throws them back on the floor that's up to her.

You could just say that the cleaner needs to be able to get to the floor to hoover, so if she wants her room cleaned and hoovered then to tidy it on xx day, otherwise the cleaner will leave it and she can do it herself, but yes, you expect plates/cups etc taken downstairs daily so that you don't run out and/or have a mouse/ant issue in her room.

You are most certainly within your rights to ask the room to be clean and tidy. And if the dirty dishes keep up, you would also be within your rights to say no food in your room.

I'd probably get thisone into thouse rules if it isn't already there.

To be honest if I were your ap I'd be annoyed that you've been in my bedroom...

However I don't think its unreasonable of you to ask her to remove washing up and put dirty clothes in wash basket/ clean in cupboard.

She may be used to parents doing this for her if first job away from home and just need a gentle reminder.

I think you have every right to enter a room in your house within reason. Just as a Landlord has a right to enter his/her rented property within reason.

Also it sounds like the mess may well have been very apparent without actually entering the room.

Asking for plates and glasses to be brought downstairs daily and food/rubbish to not to be left in there is fair enough, but I don't think you should be policing whether a grown woman leaves her clothes on the floor.

I don't think it gives the impression of making your ap feel welcome/ that it is their bedroom whilst there with you, if you go in whenever you like.

Unless OP you had been invited in by your ap or checked with them that they didn't mind first.

If that's the case then I apologise. But as a nanny it's really annoyed me when the parents have taken it upon themselves to just go in my room for whatever reason. Hardly makes me feel respected by them.

I went into her room because I wanted to talk to her - and that is where she was. I knocked on her door, and she said "Come in" - so I did. I do respect our AP's privacy and will tell them if I need to go into their room. There are occassions when we have to as that is where the only access to our loft is. Also when she opens her door you can see the room and she doesn't always keep the door tightly closed.

My concern for her leaving her clothes on the floor are because I'd like her room to be hoovered once a week, and I expect our AP to be setting a good example to our dc. I do not allow my dc to dump their clothes on the floor, and if they do they have to pick it up and put it away. My AP is also under instructions if my dc do this, then she is to tell them to put their clothes away.

Your AP is not one of your children.

We all do things we don't allow our children to do. Rightly or wrongly.

Do you change au-pairs often OP?

Sorry, but I think you are totally overstepping the mark.

Every other room of the house, fine. But let her be herself in her own bedroom. I strongly believe that its no business of yours what they do in their own rooms. Our cleaner doesn't go into their room and our house rules state that I will only go in myself if I have a suspicion of drug taking (so similar), or to close a window left open when she is not in the house. I also have a clause about personal hygiene (who'd have thought? But then i am the parent whose au pair was fired for picking his nose and eating it whilst making egg mayo sandwiches, so I now contract for this stuff!) which covers keeping room reasonaly clean (but doesn't mention tidiness). Other than that its her sanctuary and the kids are also not allowed in there (otherwise she'd never get peace from them). If you were renting out a room or a house to a lodger you'd have no say over vacuuming/tidying, so I think you should respect this as a boundary not to cross.

Personally, stuff left on the floor makes my teeth itch and I am very judgy about this sort of stuff. But being judgy and actually forcing your au pair to do things your way are two very different things. It may be your house, but its her room.

I am a nanny = and a complete slob next to my bosses housekeeping However I keep all communal rooms clean/tidy. My room is my space to put all my belongings in. Yes it is often cluttered and sometimes a mess - but my boss can close the door to my room and not see it. DC 5.11 knows that just because my room is a mess doesn't mean that his room should be ..... I am a grown up and there are rules for adults/children etc.

Yes you can ask her to keep it clean - no cups/cutlery - my boss often orders a spoon amnesty but I don't think it has to be spotless.

Gosh what a fine line to steer!

I think you need to insist on all dirty crockery etc back in the kitchen every night, but agree the clothes thing is more personal.

Can you ask her whether you wants the cleaner to do her room each week? As if so all clothes need taking off the floor on that day. If not, then she can leave then there.

What you cannot insist on is that she keeps the room tidy to your standards, it's up to her how she keeps her own private space (barring actual damage or mouse risk - proper mouse risk not just the odd dirty glass!).

You need to bite your lip and make sure you don't overstep the mark on this as it will give the message that she doesn't have her own space which would be upsetting for her. As for the role model of a tidy room... I'm afraid you can't hope for this!

Good luck,

Perfect opportunity for you to teach your DC's that there are different rules for different people, different rules for adults/children etc. You can tell them that when they grow up and leave home they can leave their clothes all over the floor if they so wish.

Do you allow your DC's to drink alcohol, stay out late and have sex? If not the 'one rule for everyone' thing isn't really working out. Best to have different rules for children and adults!

YABU to expect this. Sorry, but you are.

I don't care how our au pair keeps her room - it's her squalor, or not, to live in. I also don't expect the cleaner to clean her room.

Dirty dishes and plates belong in the kitchen, but other than that, leave her room to her.

YABU. if your cleaner cannot clean her room, let the cleaner say that to you and then you can mention to AP that the cleaner couldn't hoover her room because she had things on the floor.
When it comes to the dirty dishes and plates, though I agree they belong to the kitchen, it is still her room and you shoudn't really enter it. I understand you entered it because you asked smth and she let you in but still if you mention this to her now it would seem like a lot of inspection during 5 minute-talk.

I suggest next time you see she is taking plate with her to her room just metion to her to not forget to bring it back in time before dishwasher is put on.
I also think it is a lot to expect from AP to do things your way because you want her to be example to your DC. She is not really your child and your DC would understand that people are different but they need to live by your rules and not rules of others.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Why on earth would you want one of the rooms of the house which you've paid for being an filthy mess. The food thing would also worry me too.

I think you have every right to tell her that she needs to make sure her room is tidy on XXX day as the cleaner needs to come in a clean it and also for her not to leave food on the floor.

Yes. Her room, her space, her mess. Her cleaning job. Get her to keep the door shut. Au Pairs are different to nannies, more like having a teenage child, but even a live in nanny, it's their space.

If leaving crockery in their room means there isn't enough in the kitchen, that needs bringing up, but, otherwise, leave their space alone. It's their home (temporarily), and their room is their space.

Cups and plates to go down to the kitchen in case you run out. The rest though, not your business. Its her space whilst she's there.

Messy is ok but I think asking for the floor to be cleared once a week is ok.
Dirty plates and dishes is NOT ok though.

I disagree. Smelly clothes on the floor effects carpets. If it was my home I would say mess in your room is fine but not on the carpet please. I think with a lot of these things, if we ask politely and we explain why it should be ok.
We all have different house rules. We all also don't wear shoes in the home. Some people do. My au pair can't wear shoes in her room even if it is her room. It's our homes.