new nanny concerns

[mummysboys1980]

About to start with my first nanny... If I am honest I am dreading handover and going back to work and Im afraid this is clouding my judgement- hence asking for help here! My DC2 is very into me and gets upset when I leave the room and others are present.... in short is quite anxious with others and separation in company of others. This makes me edgey!

Anyway, new nanny has been over to see us a couple of times and im finding it really hard not to feel threatened by her and intimidated. She is experienced, which is clearly a good thing but i feel totally judged in my parenting and self conscious of my choices when she is around.

On top of this, a couple of things are making me nervous. 1) she constantly talks of her financial situation (ie not being good) this is making me feel uncomfortable.... we cant pay her anymore and i dont really want to know details of this... 2) she has been quite explicit in her issues with previous boss/ bosses. ie delays in payments, issues with particular things she has to do. This feels odd to me- and rather unprofessional. 3) she seems to think its ok for her nanny friends to visit for full days with their charges when they need to be away from their places of work- eg, parents working at home on certain days... I dont think this is ok and will be saying no to this.

So, all these things are making me think she isnt the one for us... what are your thoughts please? I really cant be objective about this. My gut instinct is to feel this isnt right but please help me!

Mummy's, I would trust your instinct. This sounds like the first nanny I hired and I regretted nearly every day she worked for me!
You are the boss and do not feel intimidated by her experience. Personally I wouldn't go ahead with this as if you are feeling uncomfortable already, how will it be when she has her feet under the table??? She, to me has already crossed a number of lines!!!! Good luck

Imo she is making sure that you know she needs to be paid on time. You wouldn't believe how many employers think paying their nanny isn't a priority.

It's very common for nannies to have play dates, it's good for children to mix with other children and it's good for them to see how to socialise. If you were at home all day would you really not meet up with anyone?

Fair enough not everyday buy there won't be many nannies who will be happy not to meet up with others.

playdates are ok with me. being a shelter all day for a friends charges is different. surely playdates should be with friends of my dcs or at least kids of same age.

agree about on time payments. this is a priority for me

Wrt talking about previous employers I imagine she is sounding you out and letting you know what happened so it doesn't happen with you.

It's hard to employ a nanny but it's equally as hard going into a home and looking after a new child AND getting on with the parents and worrying about everyone getting on ok.

Have you got a probationary period in the contract? It is probably too late to recruit a new nanny now and some of your worries may be unfounded - such as DC2 not settling, they may be fine after a few days.

1. It's a worry, would make me wonder if they needing more money than you are offering. As you say, you don't really want to know about their financial situation.

1. Can useful to know about what things did not go well in the past but nanny should act professionally and not go into depths of problems with previous employers.

1. There was a thread on here a little while back about having people coming over during the day. I can't recall what I wrote then but I suspect it may have been along the lines of that it takes a while for trust to be established, so starting out with people coming over is not good. They could meet up at a local park, no need to go to employers home.

Trust gut instincts. Use probationary period to get into the swing of being back at work and seeing how it goes. Make it clear to nanny that you are the boss and you say what can and can't happen in your home. Consider what happens if things do not work out, can you find alternative childcare? I find there is a natural itch around the 2 week point, when both sides realise that it is either going to work or not, so evaluate things often and definitely discuss weekly with them about what you feel is going ok and what is not.

1. wouldn't bother me. My nanny does this, but I just smile and nod.

Re her experience - why hire her then if you're intimidated by it? you're the mum, she's the nanny. Overlapping yet different experiences. My nanny has looked after loads of children but not mine.

Re 3) this doesn't bother me either. Your place won't be a shelter for the other kids - their nannies will be with them! My nanny does this, but just for fun and not often. Happens vice versa too. The kids love hanging out with their friends and they usually end up out most of the day when that happens.

Try and separate nanny niggles vs going back to work niggles. I don't like leaving my two with our nanny some days but that's because I don't enjoy work and feel guilty. However the kids enjoy it and our nanny does a good job. If she does something I don't like, I tell her.

Keep in mind the positive reasons about why you decided to hire her vs other people. There must be positive things.

I agree that it is hard for both sides initially, it takes time to build a relationship. Trusting each other takes time and effort. See how it goes, talk about anything however minor that arises.

Thanks all. All these comments are exactly what I need to think this through.

Please keep the comments coming

The fact she is experienced is excellent as she'll know how to soothe him if he's anxious but you'll be amazed at how quickly children adapt. Good luck

If she mentions money again, can you say something like: "you've mentioned quite a few times that money is tight, I will make sure I always pay you on time each Friday (or whatever) but we have agreed a rate and I cannot afford to change it. I hope that is okay so we don't have any problems?" Hopefully she will get the message. Maybe she just wants reassurance that she will be paid promptly. Also have you registered for nanny tax etc?

With regards to discussing previous employers, well it depends what she has said really. if she doesn't name them and just mentions things that bothered her then I guess so long as they are not too terrible/personal it wouldn't be so bad.

If you don't want other nannies to shelter in your house then you need to be clear about this. if she has a nanny friend who needs to "get out of the house" each Tuesday while her boss works at home then that isn't really ideal for her to move into your place each week for a full day. If it is a couple of hours a week or the occasional day then that might be okay although it would depend on the ages of the children etc. You really need to talk that one through.

I think the real problem is if you feel she intimidates you and you are constantly worrying how she will view you - you need to have confidence that you are the mum and no matter how good a nanny she is, you have the final say and know your child best. If you are not happy because she is putting you down/undermining you or your decisions then she is not the right nanny for you. As someone has said, the trial period is important to see if it will work.

1. she's just making sure she gets paid on time - so say to her I've set up a dd as you will be paid on 27/last fri of month etc

2. maybe she's worried same things /niggles will happen

3. all nannies (and parents) socialise - good for adult and child - having a parent at home working is hard so def easier to escape to someone else's house - not for the whole day but a few hours to break The day

You employed this nanny prob for her experience and sure she doesn't mean to make you feel bad - she's giving you her experience and knowledge :)

To me it seems there are a few separate boggles that you're putting together and possibly creating a mountain.

Yes, she's experienced and that might seem daunting but you're their mother and all that experience should also have taught her all children are different and she needs to work with the parents. That said I'm intrigued by references to parents not liking things she had to do. Have you made sure you're on the same page about major issues like discipline, manners etc? Or did you mean she felt some of the duties were unfair?

If she's in financial difficulties she wants reassurance that she'll get paid on time, especially if you're using vouchers as part payment. It's your responsibility to keep an eye on this.

A long handover period can be a blessing and a curse, particularly with experienced nannies and first-time employers.

Nannies have nanny friends over but it's a bit strange to have someone plus charges who may not even know or be suitable playmates for your children for an entire day. In dire need I'd be okay with that (house move, building works) but not a nanny escaping a parent who WFH on a regular basis.

Are these issues really the issue or do you have a gut feeling that you won't get on or she won't look after your children the way you want? That IMO is more serious and you need to be alert to the possibility that you might need to move on after a week or two. If it's not working at the end of the probationary period then don't extend. It's easier to replace sooner rather than later and children will adapt.

i have had problems in the past (and ironically today) with not being paid on time. when i started this job i emphasised the fact i wanted a standing order set up and to be paid on time each month as i have had a few boss keep forgetting to pay me.
you wont be providing a shelter (unless she is taking the piss), playdates are normal and a lot of nannies find their jobs much harder when parents work from home (irregularly so upsets the child/routine) so nannies tend to be out of the house that day (better for parent to get on with work too). also things like building work being done in house, nanny ma go to another house to hang out. it isnt like it is everyday, but shes just making u aware it happens.
for example last yr in a previous job we had building work and then estate agents coming over (who didnt want us in the house when they were showing people around-parents seem to think house sells better if we pretend children didnt exist), couldnt walk the streets everyday and could do activity everyday as child went to nursery and was often knackered after/baby needed nap, so we went to a friend house more often than usual (with blessing of all parents involved). now we are repaying them as they have painters and decorators so they are at ours alot for meals/naps etc.

Is the point about you feeling totally judged for your parenting because of her reaction to things you do?

The comments in total suggest to me someone who you may have a personality clash with so there's a warning bell there. However, you may be able to keep it under control with the right comments at the beginning to reassure her and let her know you don't want to keep hearing certain things.

I too would not like hearing the comments about other parents. Its indiscrete, especially if you can identify which parents she is referring to (even though you probably don't know them personally but can tell from her CV). It also indicates how she is likely to talk about you to other people in the future!

However, I would keep in mind why you hired her, what her good qualities are and see if you can curb the more annoying aspects. At this stage there probably aren't enough warning signs to back out since that is going to be very disruptive and costly presumably so a last resort. As already suggested, use the probabationary period to get a better idea about her.

I wonder if you've hired my old nanny... she was paid on the 28th of the month for the entire time she worked for us, as per contract. The number of times I'd get texts or calls at 7am on the 28th asking where the money was / texts when we were on holiday days before the 28th & payment was due... really annoyed me. Don't know what made her do it, she was always put "in credit" for expenses too (ie we'd xfer £150 and then she'd draw down on it until it was spent, she never had to front a penny) and would leave notes and send emails and texts for days if it went below £25. She was never once paid late; it was just her "thing" & worth dealing with on balance.