14 month old screams inconsolably the whole time she's at the childminders

[CCinDisguise]

I know my post will sound a little premature, but I also know my DD and how strong willed and feisty she is!

Basically I've just started back at work and we are doing some settling in sessions with the childminder (as she works term time only). My mum has DD for 2 days and from September she will do 1 day wiith the cm - well this is the hope!

However we've been over 4 times now and I've left her for 2 of those. She was fine the 2 visits I was there went off and played, went off into different rooms without me, played with the cm etc... But on the 2 occasions I've left her she's screamed!! And I mean scream! And it's been inconsolable. On the settling in session we had today my plan was to leave her for a bit then go back but sit outside in the car until she had a more settled moment (e.g. Not screaming) so she didn't associate me returning because she was screaming, hopefully making it more positive. However there was no let up and I could even hear her screaming in the house from inside my car!

I'm very happy with the cm and she's trying her best, making her a photo book of familiar family, friends & pets, got out toys she knows she likes, has a cd of music she knows she likes etc.. She's also going to try coming to our house to spend time with her.

But my concern is I know DD and her personality is all or nothing and I honestly can't see her ever settling. Does anyone have any experience of this? Has it got better? Any tips on what we could do to help her further!

I've worked with children and this is beyond any initial separation anxiety upset this is full on distress cranked up to the max! DD is happy to be left with my mum, familiar friends and is not especially clingy at other times and is generally a happy little girl!

Any advice, reassurance would be appreciated.

So what is different (from your DDs POV) being left with a friend or being left with the CM? Has she taken against the CM for some reason? does she have an issue with there being other children there?

My initial reaction is to stick with the CM for a few more sessions as there is no guarantee that your DD will be any more accepting of any other childcare arrangements.

Have you tried leaving something 'special' of yours for your DD to look after while she is at the CM? Something she can keep in a pocket and touch for reassurance?

Sorry no time to write a lengthy post but didn't want to r and r.....

I feel that one day a week will not be enough to leave dd with the childminder. It will seem an incredibly long time from one week to another for your little one.

I think it's a good idea for the cm to come to you and get to know your daughter there.

Good luck

I'm a nanny and I looked after a child exactly like this. It took almost 4 weeks for her to settle, and I did 3 days a week; so about 10 ish days!!! We made handovers swift. I actually found the more I tried to comfort her, play with her, distract her; the more hysterical she got. I found sitting close by but not directly interacting helped. I'd sit about 2-3 metres away from her and read a book out loud or play with her toys. Not even really trying to get her to join in. But I found very slowly she showed interest in what I was doing and began to join in. I found trying too hard to cuddle, hold, fuss over child, made her more upset. Sounds a bit mean, but she almost needed time to cry, scream, tantrum etc then she decided of her own accord to stop.
As others said doing only one day a week it could take weeks/months for her to settle! Could you consider childminder maybe doing 3 mornings and grandparents doing afternoons. This will certainly speed this process up.

I agree with Seb101 that sometimes being a little distant makes things easier (without sounding totally harsh). I have cared for two children in the past (slightly older than 14 months) and they hated being away from their mum. The more i tried to cuddle them the worse they became. So I found sitting on the sofa opposite so not too close helped and I would sing or talk really loudly as if I couldn't hear them crying. I would then play with their toys being really really happy. I also found talking to them but not directly to them helped so saying something like 'ooooh I wonder if X would want some toast like Nannynewo' or 'well I might go and play some football i wonder if X may join in' they would slowly calm down and would be looking at me while I spoke but I didn't make eye contact because that's what sets them off. Then it's like a switch goes and they just calmed down and started playing. They realised that Mummy isn't going to come back just yet and they can have the same amount of fun with the carer.

Sorry my post is quite long but I feel these tips may help as I used them with 2 babies :)

I have to agree with Rugby that one day a week probably isn't enough, it's like starting from scratch every week in your DDs mind.

When I was a CM I used to get lots of requests for a one or two day a week, when the dc was doing the other days with one/both grandparents. I can see why parents would do this (precious time with granny and the cost), but from a settling in point of view it was a nightmare.

Thank you for all your advice! It's really useful.

I think it's just all very unfamiliar to her at moment and I'm thinking of asking the childminder is she can do 3 mornings a week for a while then my mum could do the afternoons, will just depend on her availability. Then if DD settles we could maybe drop it to 2 mornings a week!

I will mention some of your tips for settling to the cm as I know she'll welcome any ideas!

When I started with my 3 day a week charge (nanny) She was upset almost all day for weeks. I genuinely didn't know if I should quit. But a year on and we are so close..BUT still she gets upset at handover some morning's. She just needs time. x

I personally wouldn't recommend 3 mornings with cm and afternoons with grandma. to me it is a lot of handovers for the little one. mum to cm, cm to grandma, grandma to mum. my suggestion would be two full days. Other people may disagree so you need to do what is best for you and your little one x

Agree with the others, when I was childminding my most unsettled were those who had been with me much less. I also totally understand the comments regarding the child getting worse the more I tried to comfort them. Some children are just better off being left to join in when they are ready :) I wouldn't give up yet but if you could try and do 2 days a week, that would be much better, I agree it could be confusing doing just mornings at the moment if it's going to be grandparent in the afternoon.

Thank you, I do understand that one day a week can mean they start all over each week but we're still on settling in sessions and have lots of planned regular sessions over the next 3 weeks, (which will be 5 weeks in total), with the cm also coming to see DD in her own home for some of those.
My main query was about these sessions and how distraught she's getting if I so much as move an inch away from her, this only started after the session where I left her. I suppose only time will tell!
She see's my mum most days and even stays over and is not at all upset when I leave, so that transition isn't upsetting for her!

It has taken 20 sessions for my 18m old to settle and she still screams for 5 mins at drop off. Week on week I can see progress.