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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Unhappy child - not sure what to do re CM

13 replies

tinypumpkin · 21/08/2013 23:16

I would really appreciate people's thoughts on this. I work mostly from home so don't have to be in the office. I decided to put the DDs in childcare for just five hours one day per week to make my life easier (work too many late nights and weekends). The aim was to get more done in that day at home.

DD2 is happy as Larry. DD3 is v unhappy. She is 23 months and a clingy child as it is. I get the heartwrenching screams when I leave. It kills me to leave her, particularly as I don't have to as such.

I am thinking of withdrawing them but would feel terrible on the cm (who is truly lovely). Would pay any notice etc of course but would still feel awful. I have asked the cm and she suggests persevering. The cm is away atm but I am already absolutely dreading taking them on Tues as DD3 will be so upset. I spend half the time stressing about how things are going rather than working when I leave her anyway.

Any sage advice or experiences?

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MildDrPepperAddiction · 21/08/2013 23:20

How long have they been going? If they're only going for one day per week it will take longer for her to get used to being there. DS was 11 months but wax there 5 days so he settled in quicker (although those cries break your heart). Maybe increase to two days for a couple of weeks?

FromGirders · 21/08/2013 23:22

How long have they been going to the cm? It can be harder to settle children when tey only go once a week - it's a long time between visits. Might take a bit longer.
Normally I'd say even the clingiest child settles in five or six days - that's a week of full time, two weeks of part time, you get the picture.
How experienced is your CM? Does your lo cry for long after you leave? Can the CM text you to reassure once lo is settled and has stopped crying? (I always do that - would hate to be a mummy not knowing how long the crying lasts for. Normally it's a surprisingly short period of time).

InMyShreddies · 21/08/2013 23:23

I'm in a similar situation - I was told by my cm that 2 sessions would be much easier for my 20mo, so we do two 3hr sessions. Not sure if this would work for you - it allows me to work uninterrupted from home, and split across two days makes it a more familiar setting for DS. It's just like two afternoon playtimes for him.

Original poster

tinypumpkin · 21/08/2013 23:23

Thanks milddrp (great name :)). We have been visiting since May and decided for a go slow approach to leaving. They have only been left for four or five weeks. DD3 is even giving my parents a hard time at the moment sadly. She is more clingy than her usual clingy self.

No space for another session sadly although I suspect that may help as you say.

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Original poster

tinypumpkin · 21/08/2013 23:26

Sorry for slow replies, am rubbish at replying on my phone.

CM is very experienced and I really like her. Have faith in her if that makes sense. She does text but I do have to instigate it usually. DD2 does not help by telling me that her sister was upset all day. That is not what the CM says however, I suspect she is more reliable than DD2!

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Original poster

tinypumpkin · 21/08/2013 23:28

Thanks for the replies btw, it does help. :)

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Original poster

tinypumpkin · 22/08/2013 19:56

If anyone is reading, what are the procedures for giving notice? I am really stressing about DD3 being so unhappy and I just don't think I can do it. DD2 is happy there so I may keep her with the CM. Obviously I will talk to her but I just wondered whether it would be okay to withdraw DD3 with immediate effect but pay for all weeks that I need to give notice for? I would not want the CM to be out of pocket and want to be as fair as possible. DD2 is free due to early years funding.

I do feel pretty awful about it but I just don't feel that I am being fair to DD3 (or myself perhaps).

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MaryPoppinsBag · 22/08/2013 20:34

I would persevere TBH.
Is it only at drop off? Is she fine after you've gone?

IIRC separation anxiety can hit again at this age.

Original poster

tinypumpkin · 22/08/2013 20:46

Thanks MaryPoppingBag. Not just at drop off sadly, that would be marginally easier.

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InMyShreddies · 22/08/2013 21:18

My cm said it's easiest to settle kids pre ten months or post 3 yrs - the bit in the middle - ironically when lots of us begin using childcare - is the hardest time for toddlers to detach.

Can't you do two shorter sessions?

ChildrenAtHeart · 23/08/2013 23:50

As it sounds like you have a good cm who is willing to work with you I would persevere for a bit longer. I would leave quickly if you can(firmly but affectionately) as in my experience (13yrs) hanging around just prolongs the agony - your child has no idea if you are staying or going and when this might happen as they lack the maturity to understand and have poor sense of time. 1 day per week is not ideal but you've said the cm hasn't the space to increase this - is this for both chn or might she have space for just the one, even if just until settled? If necessary CM could grant herself an exception to increase her numbers under the EYFS 'exceptional circumstances' clause if she was willing and it fitted with the needs & safety of the children.
If however you decide to withdraw your child your plan of pay in lieu of notice is fine.
Best of luck whatever you decide

Original poster

tinypumpkin · 24/08/2013 17:38

Thanks ChildrenAt Heart. The CM is indeed lovely and I could not say a bad word about her if I wanted to. It's truly not about her. Perhaps it is more about me and not being ready to see DD3 that distressed when I don't officially 'need to'. Perhaps that sounds pathetic but we lost DD1 and that changes everything for me. It's hard to explain but I know it is also a factor.

I think I might give her a call on Sun (she is on leave at the moment) and be honest about things.

Thanks for the advice re notice too. I feel horrid about it and really don't mess people around lightly.

InMyShreddies, interesting about the best times for settling a child, that makes sense.

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MistyB · 24/08/2013 17:50

Do what is best for you and your DD and what feels right. She is young and she will settle when she is ready. It is a risk of child minding that people drop out and she is obviously fairly full if she can't offer more time slots.

DS was terrible (screaming for the whole journey and crying while he was there!) at 2 and a half going twice a week but after about 2 months was ok. At 3 and a half he walked in to a different setting like the coolest customer on the block!

And I doubt your DD2 is exaggerating, she may well be upset all day, even if not actually crying all day. Don't feel bad about making a decision that is right for you and your child right now, for whatever reason or for not making DD serve her notice, as long as you pay, that's fine!

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